The Lord of the... whatever, Book VI, Chapter 7:

Bound To Go Homewards

  Not wanting to deal with Roglings, the hobbits and Radagast spent rather
little time in Rivendell before going on.  Even Margarita could not get
them to enjoy their stay; El Rond was about to vote the conscription and
all those present would have to go on a Rogling hunt, which is rather
unpleasant when you are not trained in the art, as you all know.  They
were all rather sad that they could not get their hands on Bilbo, though;
after all he was responsible for all the misery they had gone through. 
He decided to get rid of the Ring and give it to Frodo.
  The Hobbits were not to eager to see the Shire again, except for
Morrie.  Frodo was thinking of all his creditors that he had thought he'd
never see again. Sam was trying to find a plausible explanation to give
Rosie; he had been gone for over a year just about when he was going to
lead the revolution. Morrie was actually thinking of how he could
tighten his hold over the underground and expand his markets - he had
managed to get a weak king on the throne, after all.  And Pipsqueak, well,
he didn't have a character that was too developed around the beginning of
the e-text, so he was just worried that he'd lose all the depth he had
acquired.  As they walked, Radagast turned to Frodo and asked him if he
was unwell. He was, after all, supposed to feel his old wounds around
this time of the strory.  
  "Not really," replied Frodo. "I know that I am wounded with knife, sting
and tooth, and claws, and falls, and disillusionment, but it's not that bad.
Everything will heal I expect."
  "How about when you said you remembered who killed Ariellë?" asked
  "Oh, yes, it's fairly obvious who ordered the kill and I'm suprised that
none of the other Hobbits realised it."
  "How do you mean?"
  "Just look at the way in which Ariellë was killed," replied Frodo.  "The
Bywater Grin was done perfectly, and the Beltbuckleland Crime Syndicate
has never revealed the trick to anyone.  So it logically falls that the
crime was perpetrated by a Hobbit.  To my certain knowledge, there were
only four Hobbits present.  Out of those four, only one could know how
to do the Grin."
  "Why didn't you tell anyone before?"
  "The voices told me not to.  They told me that it would cause mayhem. 
Since the voices are also the ones who explained to me what I just
explained to you, I believed them."
  "So why are you telling me now?  I don't understand you."
  "The voices told me that once we had passed the Forsaken Inn and were
finally nearing Bree, noone would care anymore, and I could tell if
anyone asked."
  "I see," said Radagast, and after a paused added, "I'll have to ponder
what you have told me."

  As they neared Bree, they came to a halt.  They wanted to get news of
what had happened since they left, but they didn't want to go into town,
remembering the huge bill that the Nazdaq had raised for them at
Barliman Butterball's inn.  It was finally elected that Frodo, now being
beyond recognition, would go accompanied by Radagast, whom noone knew
around these parts.  Why they trusted him, they couldn't've told, but
they did, probably because he hadn't tried to ask them for a fee for
anything yet.
  As they entered the town, Frodo knew that something had gone horribly
wrong.  All the aluminum sidings had been replaced by composite
materials, and there had been no guard at the gate. Insted, an ATM stood
there, an Automated Talking Machine, which told them that they had to
pay ten flokarinos each in order to have access to the town.  They then
proceeded to the Prancing Pony, expectng to gather news in the common
room, which to their utter amazement was empty.  They asked Barliman
about this.
  "'Tis because of the new college which has opened in the Shire.  'Tis
a bunch of Big'Uns that came from the South, they started by buying out
most of the industries in the area, including our siding industry,
which they have defiled.  Then they somehow managed to overthrown all
stock markets and have all our banks go bankrupt.  They then opened up a
college in the Shire and started new banks, so that they would get all
the profits.  'Tis an evil day to be in these parts."
  Hearing this Frodo had a secret smile, being very happy indeed; this
meant that his credit history has most likely been erased entirely!  But
hidding his enthusiasm, Frodo asked for a room for two for the night,
and for a good pouch of Eastfarthing weed.
  "Ah, but had you asked for anything else, good masters," said
Butterball.  "We are now stuck with our own since there in none to be
had from the Shire.  All we have is Easthanging, which cannot be
compared to Eastfarthings."  Then then talked a bit of what had happened
in the south, being careful not to reveal their true identities, Frodo,
in a flash of genius had decided to go as Mr Overhill.  They talked
about the return of the king, and that he would most likely come this
way eventually.  Reassured Butterball that he would not raze his inn
for past offenses, and that he would most likely elect residence where
the halls of the king has been in the north, a place called Fu****g
North.  Legend has it that the place got his name when a king, which one
is now forgotten, was stuck inside his castle because of a snow storm
and expressed himself with the epitath which is now the name of the
place.  With that, they all went to bed.

  The next morning, Radagast and Frodo took their leave of this ghastly
place and went to rejoin their companions, since they can't really be
called friends, and told them all that they had learned.  Sam was about
to ask a question about the revolution, when he was cut off by Morrie:
  "So my industry is faltering, but I have new markets that I have
guaranteed myself, what with this slow witted king.  I could even make
up a spece for you if you're interested, Frodo, on the condition that you
forget what those voices of yours told you.  I would eventually win in
court, but it would be rather bothersome, and it's not quite true.  I'd
have to let the truth be known if you did try to frame me."

  So they kept on walking in silence towards the Shire.  When they passed
by the forest in which Tom Bombadil resides, they tried to hurry past it,
but Radagast stopped them.  He said that this is where he would leave
them.  He was worried about those voices Frodo was hearing, so he wanted
to have a good talk with Bombadil, a talk like he hadn't had in many a
years.  He also wanted to know if Bombadil still had his copy of the DSM
IV lying around somewhere; he had lost his since their psychiatry
  So they trudged along, each lost in their own thoughts once again: 
Frodo quite happy that his debt seemed to be cleared, Morrie wondering
how he could regain and expand his underground empire (remember that
Hobbits live in holes...), and Sam angry that since the author couldn't
imitate his dialect elected not to have him talk for the whole chapter. 
Let's not forget Pipsqueak, he realised that he was losing all the depth
of character he had acquired during their adventures.

Book VI, Chapter Six / Table of Contents / Book VI, Chapter Eight
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This chapter of this epic work is presented through the courtesy of Carl Blondin <>. Copyright © 2002 by the author. All rights reserved. Some variance between this e-text and the original printed material by Professor Tolkien is inevitable. Using this as an electronic resource for scholarly or research purposes may lead to a certain degree of academic embarassment. All agree that the printed version of the text, available from respectable publishers such as Houghton Mifflin and Ballantine Books, is to be preferred. Bywater Grins are available in the lobby.