It started simply enough. I had written some macros for Word Perfect to format screenplays, and I wanted to give them a try. So I typed in a few scenes, found a couple of adjustments to be made, made them, tested it again... and kept on typing. And the result, still unfinished, lies before you now.
Make of it what you will.
37 INT. THE BRIDGE (CONTINUED) 37
Kirk and Spock are still yelling.
SPOCK
(uncharacteristically)
I didn't mean to step on your
foot, goddammit! It was just
sitting out in the middle of
the fucking aisle!
KIRK
(even more apopleptic)
Dammit, you fucking green-
headed slime, if you can't
watch the Captain's feet then
you're no fucking good as a
first officer!
SPOCK
(posing)
But I'm a lot prettier.
Kirk looks, thinks, nods.
KIRK
Right again, Spock. Damn your
eyes, you're right again.
A long moment. Spock files his fingernails, very
methodically. Kirk looks into space, hums a
little tune. I seem to have forgotten a
necessary margin somewhere. Dammit, this simply
will not do. Not at all. Not even slightly.
KIRK
But at least the dialogue is
remaining reasonably well
confined.
38 AND THE SCENE NUMBER IS SELF-CORRECTING ANYWAY 38
So we only have to correct this little faux pas
with the stage directions.
MCCOY
Is this my nostril?
A new stage-direction macro ought to do the
trick. Let's just keep typing. Yes: assume the
right margin falls at 80, or 8" as this machine
keeps trying to say, and it does a lot better.
MCCOY
What the hell did I DO to
deserve this kind of treatment?
Great. THEY get 35 picas for
their dialogue. I only get the
usual 30! Those goddamned pinko
commies! I'll rip them limb
from limb for this horrid
offense.
He grabs a medium-sized phaser rifle and begins
striding down the corridor.
39 THE AUSTRO-HUNGARIAN FIGHTING MATCH 39
Two KLINGONS are sitting down in the bleachers
with their corn-dogs and Cokes. Their names are
KAALETH and ZYSTRA. Zystra is picking his teeth.
KAALETH
How the hell did you get a name
like Zystra?
ZYSTRA
(finishing his bicuspids)
I just wanted to get as far
away from you as I could if we
ever line up in alphabetical
order.
Pause. A CHEER goes up from the match. They
resume their eating. Zystra is careful not to
dirty his molars.
After a moment, Kirk and Spock muscle their way
past them.
KIRK
'Scuse me... 'scuse me,
gentlemen... Hey, some match,
eh, Spock? Those Klingon
bastards are losing this year.
SPOCK
And it wouldn't have been
possible without you, Captain.
Kaaleth and Zystra look up...
KAALETH
Heeeey... aren't you that
swine-like pig, Jim Kirk?
KIRK
That I am. Have we met before?
KAALETH
(deeply annoyed)
The same Jim Kirk who was
responsible for torpedoing our
lifeboats outside Draleth IV?
SPOCK
Captain, perhaps it's best if
you don't answ-
KIRK
Oh, you know my work, then?
Yeah, it was messy, what with
all the mutineers we had to
kill, our own decks are still
red with blood, but-
KAALETH
You son-of-a-BITCH! I'LL KILL
YOU FOR THIS!!--
Kaaleth moves to attack, but is violently thrown
to the floor by Zystra, who steps repeatedly on
his neck in an effort to break Kaaleth's spine.
ZYSTRA
Don't mind him, Captain. He
always has a few too many beers
at these matches.
KIRK
I understand completely.
Spock's the same way.
40 INT. ENTERPRISE CORRIDOR 40
McCoy striding down the corridor, still toting
the phaser rifle and a fifth of Antarean brandy.
MCCOY
...modify my dialogue when they
get to have these fifteen-page
harangues... get their pictures
on breakfast-cereal boxes and I
don't... always "Kirk and
Spock", but nobody ever
remembers poor old McCoy, no,
sir... all those "I'm-a-doctor,
not-a-whatever" jokes...
He turns into the transporter room...
41 THE AUSTRO-HUNGARIAN FIGHTING MATCH - THE FIELD 41
The game is growing more intense. Some of the
Klingons have drawn ba'akleths and are
disembowling members of the Austrian team. One
of the Klingons head-butts the ball into the
net. They cheer and hug each other. Some of the
Austrians crawl off the field bleeding.
42 THE BLEACHERS 42
Kaaleth and Zystra hoot and yell. Kirk and Spock
look sullen.
KIRK
Man, that one hurt.
SPOCK
(fingering scorecard)
Indeed, Captain. Forty-seven
point three percent of the
Austrian team have been maimed
or are otherwise unable to
play.
KIRK
Damn it.
(a beat; Kaaleth elbows
him cheerfully)
Well, I guess there's no
choice, Spock. We'll just have
to go down there and suit up.
SPOCK
What, us?
(Kirk nods)
Play? In the big game? That's
hardly sportsmanlike, Captain.
KIRK
True, Spock. But the Earth is
at stake here! Do you want us
to lose the trophy again? I
mean, last year the Ferengi
laughed us out of their trade
negotiations. And the year
before that...
SPOCK
I understand, sir. Let's go.
They rise to leave, when a phaser rifle points
onscreen, rather unsteadily...
KIRK
McCoy-! I thought I told you to
stay in rehab...
MCCOY
(dressed like Rambo and
laughing incoherantly)
That's what you thought,
Captain! That's what you
thought! But I've given them
all Thorazine! The ship is MINE
now! Ya ha ha ha! The
Enterprise - the greatest
merchandizing space vehicle in
HISTORY! I'll have it ALL! T-
shirts with MY picture on them!
Doctor MCCOY mugs! My OWN first
officer! I'LL get all the good
dialogue! I'LL get all the
alien babes! No more sucking up
to Ad-murr-ul Kirk;
no more arguing with the green-
blooded freak! I'LL go where no
man has gone before: the
Admiral McCoy Show! With lots
of guest stars and musical
numbers and trained-animal
acts-
SPOCK
Will you excuse us, Doctor,
we're trying to save the
planet-
McCoy leans forward with a syringe full of
doggie phenobarbitol, but Spock gives him the
Vulcan nerve-pinch whilst Kirk hits him in the
face repeatedly.
KIRK
Well, matters seem to be
improving. I think the margins
with the "Wide", "Scene" and
"Dialogue" macros you've
developed for WordPerfect seem
to be doing the job, Spock
old boy.
SPOCK
(nursing the spots
where Kirk has
repeatedly punched him)
Perhaps. However, the tab-stops
now seem to be horrendously and
irrevocably screwed up.
Brief pause while all three of the principal
macros have tab-stop commands written in with
great haste. Kirk and Spock stand around looking
rather bored.
KIRK
Well, that decimal-tab over
right still looks kind of
weird.
MCCOY
(groggily)
Well, stop looking at it,
imbecile!...
McCoy halfheartedly signals a nearby waiter for
a drink and then falls to the floor.
KIRK
...Well, that's that. Let's
suit up.
43 INT. LOCKER ROOM 43
KNUTE ROCKNZBLYA is giving his PLAYERS a pep-
talk whilst they lie about making halfhearted
attempts to bandage each other whilst bleeding
profusely. After a moment, Kirk and Spock ENTER.
ROCKNZBLYA
-you gotta get 'em! You gotta
get 'em where it hurts! And
once you go and get 'em, you
gotta get 'em again till you
got all you can get-
Kirk hits Rocknzblya over the head with a medium-
weight chair. He then approaches one of the less-
injured players and hands him a hand phaser.
KIRK
Now you just take this with
you, son, and do exactly what I
say.
44 THE BLEACHERS 44
Kirk and Spock slide gracelessly in front of
Kaaleth and Zystra and return to their seats.
KAALETH
Hah! Chickened out, eh, Kirk?
Knew you didn't have guts
enough to play in the game.
KIRK
(slight weak smile)
Yeah. Guess I'm just a coward
at heart. ...Sorry-
As he passes Kaaleth, he dumps a healthy dose of
popcorn and Orange-Ade down the back of Kaaleth's
neck. Kaaleth starts to object, but is shot a
warning glance by Zystra. There is NOISE from the
field and all resume their concentration on the
game...
45 THE AUSTRO-HUNGARIAN FIGHTING MATCH - THE FIELD 45
The Klingons are clearly in control of the field.
They have encircled the Austrian players who are
making a vain final stand near their own 20-yard
line. They have only primitive weapons and
spears. The Klingons move in slowly, tightening
the circle around them, jeering -
46 THE BLEACHERS 46
Kaaleth and Zystra cheer and howl derisively.
Kirk sits quietly, slight smile on his face,
waiting -
47 THE FIELD 47
The Klingons are tightening the circle, moving in
for the kill, weapons on point and ready to
strike - when suddenly THE WHOLE DAMN FIELD
EXPLODES IN AN EXPLOSIVE BLAST OF WHITE LIGHT
emanating from the center of the Austrian huddle.
The smoke clears. There is a smoking, vacant
hundred-foot crater where the Austrian half of
the field used to be. A stunned silence from the
crowd, then
48 THE BLEACHERS - WIDE SHOT 48
As the shock of the explosion begins to recede,
the silence in the stands is replaced by yells.
The Austrian fans cheer. They are immediately set
upon by Klingon fans with hauberks and
battleaxes. The Austrians counterattack with
switchblades and unattached pieces of furniture.
Mass bloodshed and rioting ensues.
49 THE BLEACHERS - OUR SECTION 49
Kirk is still sitting there looking smug. Kaaleth
and Zystra begin to stare at him suspiciously,
realization and anger dawning.
SPOCK
And so the game will be counted
as a forfeit.
KIRK
And the home team automatically
wins. Amazing, what you can do
with a phaser set on overload.
Just as Kaaleth and Zystra draw meat cleavers and
grinders-
KIRK
Scotty, beam us up!
Kirk and Spock DEMATERIALIZE just as Kaaleth and
Zystra leap for the kill. Both of them fall to
the floor, looking moderately frustrated. As
Kaaleth lies there annoyed, Zystra rises:
ZYSTRA
(subtitle: PREPARE TO
LEAVE ORBIT!)
Z'lazhgn! Ylp grr'nathn
portschulllth!
50 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE 50
Still with WET PAINT signs on the starboard
nacelle.
51 INT. ENTERPRISE CORRIDOR 51
Kirk, Spock and SCOTT come out of the transporter
room.
KIRK
(patronizingly)
Scotty, you've just earned your
paycheck for the week.
SCOTT
(smiling broadly)
Aye, an' there's only one thing
worse than an overpaid, bloated
patronizing old ham of an'
actor who can't see past his
own ego, an' that's a one like
that who wears a toupee.
KIRK
(also smiling)
Yeah, well, at least I don't
have to do dialect.
They smile at each other. The long friendship
between the admiral and the chief engineer is
readily evident.
KIRK
Anyway, I hope you have
everything ready to go for our
next adventure.
SCOTT
(sharpening a pickaxe)
Ee, that I do, Adm'r'l.
Ever'thin's ship-shape. Though
I never did have time to do all
those crucial repairs.
KIRK
What crucial repairs? Oh, well,
never mind, I guess I'll find
out soon enough.
UHURA'S VOICE
Red alert! Red alert! Admiral
to the bridge! Or Captain. Or
whatever the hell his rank is
this week.
Kirk and Spock exchange a glance and run for the
turbolift. Scotty stands and looks after them,
smiling maliciously.
52 INT. KLINGON BIRD OF PREY "WOMBAT" - BRIDGE 52
Zystra steps into shot. At their stations are
half a dozen crack KLINGON OFFICERS. Zystra
examines readouts on one officer's panel and
activates a radio.
ZYSTRA
At last, the chance to destroy
the Enterprise and put a final
end to that galactic pig's-
bucket James T. Kirk! Kaaleth!
Are you prepared?
53 EXT. SPACE - THE WOMBAT AND THE HALITOSIS 53
Zystra's tiny Bird Of Prey "Wombat" is visible in
the foreground. Shot pans over to show a gigantic
powerful Klingon Dreadnought, the "Halitosis", a
short distance abeam of her.
KLINGON OFFICER
(voice-over)
Sir? Communication from Admiral
Zystra, sir. Sir? Sir?
KAALETH
(voice-over)
Wh-? Huh? What? Oh -
54 INT. BRIDGE OF THE "HALITOSIS" 54
Kaaleth and a dozen or so KLINGON OFFICERS, most
of them smoking crack and inhaling acetone fumes
straight from the can. Kaaleth is in the back of
the room lying on a beanbag chair in front of
some Filmore Green posters and listening to old
Randy Miller records on LP. He gets up unsteadily
and stumbles to the command chair.
KAALETH
- yeah, that's right. Yeah.
(activating radio)
Uh, yeah, Admiral Kaaleth here.
All systems A-OK. Ten-four.
Ready to do the, uh, thing.
Roger and willies.
ZYSTRA
(on radio)
You have Enterprise coordinates
on subspace coded frequency tau
alpha forty-three zed ceta?
KAALETH
(taking drink prepared by
crewman)
Uh, thanks. - Uh, yeah!
Enterprise coordinates. Sure. I
know just where to find 'em.
The poor bastards.
ZYSTRA
Maintain gamma frequency below
404 substratas. Attack pattern
plural nine Zeta. Coded
frequencies locked.
KAALETH
Yeah. We were just doing that.
ZYSTRA
Maintain Big Dangerous Threat.
Zystra out.
KAALETH
Yeah, out. K'plaaaagh!
(saluting halfheartedly
with cupped hand)
Activate the cloaking device!
Close to battle formation! Lock
away the batten hatches an'
leeches! Mains'ls full and
stand by all guns to become
amidships!
55 EXT. SPACE 55
The Wombat and the Halitosis engage their
cloaking devices and sneak up on poor defenseless
Enterprise.
56 INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE 56
CHEKHOV, UHURA and a few superfluous CREWMEN at
their posts. Chekhov is muttering as Kirk and
Spock ENTER.
CHEKHOV
Sulu got his own ship. You and
I - we're stuck here in thees
pathetic lifeless scow. No
hope. No careers of our own. No
chance of promotion.
UHURA
Yeah, well, could be worse. At
least you didn't have to take
all your clothes off in Star
Trek V.
CHEKHOV
Yeah, well, at least you
deedn't have to get that theeng
put in your ear...
KIRK
(arrives; patronizingly)
Awww, you mean you miss your
little playmate? Take us out of
orbit, Mr. Sulu. Warp factor
five.
CHEKHOV
(barely suppressed
bitterness)
Sulu's not here. I'm Chekhov.
Remember?
KIRK
Right you are. I forgot. Sulu
defected. He got a ship of his
own... the miserable little
turncoat, the goddamned leech-
fucking rat...
(snapping out of it)
Well! Helmsman, set course 181
mark 25. Maximum warp.
CHEKHOV
Erm...
57 INSERT: CLOSE SHOT OF NAVIGATION CONSOLE 57
Graphic of the Enterprise in space, with
navigational points superimposed over the screen.
Chekhov sets the course for 181 mark 25, and the
console flashes up a flight path which leads
directly into the heart of a nearby sun. A
flashing red warning on the screen says,
NAVIGATIONAL HAZARD - CERTAIN DESTRUCTION
IMMINENT. Chekhov's finger hovers dangerously
over the ENGAGE button, as he contemplates the
possibility, as he savors this sweet idea...
But he chickens out. His hand veers over and
turns the navigation control. He resets the
course for 95 mark 50 and open space. He hits
"Engage".
58 BACK TO BRIDGE 58
CHEKHOV
Course set to 181 mark 25, sir.
KIRK
Good.
CHEKHOV
(under his breath)
And it was wery tempting...
Kirk gives Chekhov a quizzical glance. Chekhov
ignores it. Kirk sits in his command chair.
KIRK
Another job well done! And now,
let's go find another primitive
alien culture to overthrow in
the name of justice and the
Federa-
But he is interrupted by the shudder and
explosion of another part of the ship...
59 EXT. SPACE 59
A photon torpedo slams into the Enterprise's
starboard nacelle! Warp intercoolers, cans of wet
paint and buckets of crescent wrenches go
tumbling into space.
60 BACK TO BRIDGE 60
SPOCK
We are under attack, Captain.
Possible cloaked adversaries to
aft and starboard.
KIRK
(falling back on STAR TREK
II dialogue)
Who the hell are they?
SPOCK
(dropping his copy of the
STAR TREK II script into a
nearby incinerator)
If it's not already painfully
obvious to you, Captain, I
would speculate it's the two
Klingon commanders who appeared
earlier in the story.
61 EXT. SPACE 61
Three KLINGONS in a rowboat take a barrel of
gunpowder attached to a long taut bungee cord,
light the fuse and release it. It flies out into
space at high velocity and slams into the side of
the Enterprise, where the bungee cord has been
tied to a cleat on the hull. Massive explosion.
The Klingons laugh in pirate fashion and row
away.
62 BACK TO BRIDGE 62
Sparks fly out of someone's console. More
explosions can be heard.
CHEKHOV
The sheep's not respondeeng,
Keptin! We're adreeft!
KIRK
Your dialect's getting thicker,
too. Uhura! Open hailing
frequencies!
63 INSERT: UHURA 63
At her console, bored, sullen, indifferent.
UHURA
(fingering a dagger)
That's all I ever do on this
fucking ship. "Open hailing
frequencies!" "Open hailing
frequencies!" One of these
days, I'm gonna open your
hailing frequencies...
She turns in her chair, revealing her console.
There is one big huge red button on it clearly
marked OPEN HAILING FREQUENCIES. Nothing else.
She pushes it with the hilt of the dagger.
64 BACK TO BRIDGE 64
UHURA
(suppressing a yawn)
Hailing frequencies open,
Captain.
KIRK
This is Captain James T. Kirk
of the Starship Enterprise! I
demand you cease your attack
and identify yourselves!
(aside, to himself)
Now that ought to impress 'em.
(again, more impressively)
This is CAPTAIN James T. KIRK
of the Starship... ENTERPRISE!!
I deMAND you CEASE your ATTACK
and iDENtify yourselves!!
(smiles at Spock as if
to say, "Hey! I'm doing
great, huh!")
This IS Captain JAMES T. KIRK,
of the STARSHIP-
ZYSTRA
(over radio)
Yes! Yes! We heard you! We
heard you, for God's sake! We
hear you fine! Don't keep on
yammering about it or we'll
kill you faster!
Kirk gives Spock a glance, as if to ask who would
ever dare say such a thing to him. Spock remains
impassive.
KIRK
So, uh... So you're gonna stop,
right?
65 INT. BRIDGE OF THE "WOMBAT" 65
Zystra at his command chair.
ZYSTRA
Not likely, Kirk! You and your
offensive corrupt status quo
bourgeouise humans-only
egocentric fuck-em-and-kill-em
Federation posturing has got to
be stopped! You and your crew
are going to pay the ultimate
price for your corruption and
your interference with the
Klingon Empire!
66 INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE 66
Uhura, alarmed, interrupts.
UHURA
Now wait a minute. I had
nothing to do with it. I was
sick of the whole thing!
CHEKHOV
That's true! Een fact, Uhura
and I had been theenking about
jumping ship and defecting-
ZYSTRA
(over radio)
Say your prayers, Kirk! That
is, if you think your pagan God
will listen to you...
The radio clicks off.
KIRK
Of course He'll listen; I'm
James T. KIRK! Helmsman, come
right to 284 mark 9 and bring
all weapons to bear.
CHEKHOV
Aye, sir.
As Chekhov, humming to himself, halfheartedly
obeys the Captain's instructions, slowly,
laconically, casually spinning the navigation-
control like a roulette wheel and stopping it
somewhere in the neighborhood of the correct
setting with an idle fingertip...
KIRK
Cloaked ships. Spock, what's
the probability that we'll be
able to spot a cloaked ship and
disable it by sheer random
chance?
SPOCK
Twenty-nine million, seven
hundred forty-three thousand
eight hundred ninety-one point
three to one against, Captain.
KIRK
Then you don't mind if I play
my hunch?...
(to Chekhov)
Fire!
67 EXT. SPACE 67
The Enterprise fires a barrage of phasers, photon
torpedoes, barrels of boiling tar, cannonballs
and flaming arrows... and, by impossible chance,
hits the cloaked "Halitosis"! The latter drops
its cloaking device.
68 INT. BRIDGE OF THE "HALITOSIS" 68
Confusuion and panic. The Enterprise can be seen
on the main monitor, coming around for the kill.
KLINGON
Captain! We've lost the
cloaking whatchamacallit!
KAALETH
(dropping an open can of
acetone)
What?! Oh my God! Where? What?
Why? Quick! Put on the
engorgers! No, wait, the
engines! Go port to 2333333333
point, uh, duh- fuck, fuck,
fuck!
As he speaks the Enterprise can be seen firing
another barrage of photon torpedoes, which head
straight for Kaaleth's ship...
69 EXT. SPACE 69
The Halitosis explodes! Little tiny Klingons can
be seen trying to swim away in the thick fog.
Four of them are in a rowboat with a treasure
chest. They fight off other survivors who try to
board.
70 INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE 70
Kirk looks smugly self-satisfied. The others,
especially Chekhov, have looks on their faces
which say, "Oh my God, he's gotten away with it
again, now he's going to be even more
insufferable than he already was".
KIRK
One down, one to go. Sulu! Come
round to 303 mark 99 and fire
all weapons on my mark.
CHEKHOV
Chekhov...
SPOCK
Captain, odds are the same
impossible plot trick won't
work the same way twice in a
row.
KIRK
(dismissively)
You're just artificially
building up the suspense; I
know...
(after a beat)
Fire!
71 EXT. SPACE 71
Once again the Enterprise fires. Camera follows
the photon torpedoes as they fly out into space,
get caught in the orbit of a nearby planet,
slingshot around the gravity well, fly back at
three times their former velocity and slam
directly into the Enterprise's engineering hull.
Massive damage and destruction results.
72 BACK TO BRIDGE 72
Spock looks at Kirk, a hint of "I-told-you-so"
smugness on his face. Kirk doesn't look directly
at him.
KIRK
Okay, well, uh... bad idea, I
admit it.
73 INT. BRIDGE OF THE "WOMBAT" 73
Exultation. Blood-lust in the Klingons' eyes.
ZYSTRA
Pinpoint their antigravity
storage wells and attack!
Manifest destiny! God Is On Our
Side!
The Klingons begin firing more torpedoes and
lobbing lit sticks of dynamite out the windows.
Two of them can be seen lifting a big Doberman
with a jet-pack up to one of the torpedo tubes...
74 INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE 74
Massive smoke and destruction. EXPLOSIONS can be
heard throughout the scene. A large hole leading
directly into the vacuum of space can be seen
slowly widening in the port wall. Uhura is trying
to shove an ENSIGN into it to stop the loss of
oxygen.
SPOCK
(logically)
We're in deep fucking trouble,
Captain.
KIRK
Sulu... uh, Chekhov! Come right
to 188 mark 33 and bring all
weapons to b-
CHEKHOV
(smiling; spinning the
broken navigation control
on his fingertips like a
Frisbee)
We've lost navigation controls,
Keptin. No power to weapons or
engine systems. Hey de ho!
KIRK
Dammit.
(hitting intercom)
Scotty! We need warp power and
phaser controls. We need all
navigational systems and
weapons and shields... Scotty!
SCOTTY!
A beat. No answer. More explosions.
75 INT. ENGINEERING 75
The ship shakes from another set of explosions.
Critical Engineering displays flash red. Kirk's
voice can just be heard coming from a smoking
communications console in the background. Certain
destruction is imminent.
The only crewmember here is Scotty. He sits on a
deuterium bulkhead, calmly, even cheerfully. In
his hands is a set of bagpipes. Ignoring the
sounds of battle, Montgomerey Scott slowly,
liltingly, plays "The Wreck of the Mary Reade" as
he waits to die. There is a pleasant look, of
closure, of satisfaction, on his face as he
plays. He is at peace.
A long, gentle, lyrical interlude.
76 BACK TO BRIDGE 76
As before. Sweat and panic.
KIRK
Scotty? Scotty!? Damn you, you
bastard! -Okay, look, I take
back all the bad things I said
about you...
SPOCK
Inner hull rupture. Decks 2
through 39. Four hundred
twenty-three casualties.
KIRK
Well, that ought to do it.
SPOCK
Hull integrity, antimatter
containment and life support
will all fail inside of two
minutes.
KIRK
(significantly)
What we need now is a miracle.
And immediately on that cue:
77 EXT. SPACE - THE U.S.S. EXCELSIOR 77
The huge, powerful, sleek, majestic Federation
starship glides across the screen accompanied by
heroic music.
78 INT. EXCELSIOR BRIDGE 78
Captain SULU is just entering the bridge. His
officers turn to him and address him with respect
and urgency.
SULU
Status report.
EXECUTIVE OFFICER
Long-range sensors show
Federation ship, Constitution
class, under attack!
HELM
Possible cloaked adversary.
We're picking up masked weapon
signatures.
EXEC
They can't last much longer out
there, sir. Sensors show
they've lost main power and are
losing hull integrity.
Sulu takes his seat in the command chair, his
features stern.
SULU
(quick and decisive)
Shields up! Take us in at warp
five. Tactical display, and
bring all weapons to bear!
COMM OFFICER
(suddenly, as she
discovers:)
Wait, sir... it's the
Enterprise!
Long pause. Silence. Camera moves slightly in on
Sulu.
SULU
Have they spotted us?
COMM OFFICER
I don't think so, sir. We're
just at the outer edge of their
sensor range.
A beat.
SULU
(calm; relaxed)
Hmmmm... well, never mind then.
Helm! Do a slow circle keeping
us out of their sensor range
and get us back on course.
HELM
A pleasure, sir.
SULU
(getting up to leave)
Make a tape of our sensor
scans, too. Send it to my cabin
once their ship blows up. I
want to have a copy.
EXEC
Aye, sir.
SULU
You have the bridge, Mr. Kyle.
But just before he leaves, a thought occurs to
him...
SULU
Mr. Kyle?
(the Exec looks up)
It is still Kirk in command,
isn't it?
EXEC
Aye, sir.
SULU
(nods, satisfied)
Good. Carry on.
And Sulu EXITS.
79 INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE 79
As before, only somewhat worse. There is a little
blinking blip on Spock's console that says, USS
EXCELSIOR - OUTER SENSOR RANGE. Spock quietly
turns it off.
KIRK
As I said, what we need now is
a miracle.
A beat.
SPOCK
Doesn't look like you're going
to get one, Captain.
Another beat. More explosions can be heard from
the lower decks. A spar-mast comes crashing down
next to Uhura's console. Dramatic music plays.
Camera does a slow zoom-in on Kirk. He is about
to make a Great Decision.
KIRK
(quietly but firmly)
Abandon ship.
80 ANOTHER ANGLE ON THE BRIDGE 80
General sigh of relief. Uhura and Chekhov reach
under their consoles and pull out their bags,
which are already packed. Spock signals the two
surviving CREWMEN (one of whom is wearing a red
shirt) to begin lowering the lifeboat. As they
begin working at the ropes, Spock steps quietly
up behind Kirk.
SPOCK
Shall I set the self-destruct
device, sir?
KIRK
No. No need... Scotty'll take
care of it. He'd never let the
ship fall into enemy hands.
81 INT. ENGINEERING 81
Smoke and ruin. Everything disabled. Portable
emergency lighting has been set up. Champagne
bottles and assorted Federation secrets lie
waiting on a nearby table. Mr. Scott is hanging a
banner which reads WELCOME KLINGON INVADERS.
DISSOLVE:
82 EXT. SPACE 82
Transitional music. The Enterprise lies in the
left foreground, listing heavily to port and
burning. A small lifeboat pulls away from the
bridge and heads right. Camera pans with it to
show a small planet a moderate distance away.
KIRK
(voice-over)
Captain's Log, stardate three-
four-two-eight-nine-twenty-six
point seven and a half. The
survivors of the Enterprise are
heading for the fourth moon of
Maracaybo, where we should be
able to hold out against the
filthy Klingon pirates who have
butchered our ship...
83 INT. LIFEBOAT 83
Chekhov in the bow, idly playing with a piece of
string. Uhura and the red-shirted crewmen are
next, pulling at the oars. The other crewman sits
just aft of them, bailing the vacuum of space out
of the bottom of the boat with a tin bucket.
There is an occasional CLONK as he accidentally
hits a solid object in the bottom of the boat.
Spock is next, writing a small note on a piece of
parchment. Kirk is aftmost, leaning on the tiller
and dictating his log into a small hand-held tape
recorder.
KIRK
...it's a Class M planet with a
breathable atmosphere, and the
opening of the bay is highly
defensible, so we should be
able to hold out there until
help arrives.
SPOCK
Is "rescue" one Q or two,
Captain?
KIRK
Make it three, for emphasis.
(resuming log)
Survey ships reported that
there were primitive cultures
living in this system, so there
is a chance of finding an alien
species whose women can be
seduced and its government
overthrown in the name of the
Federation.
He clicks the tape off. Another CLONK as the tin
bucket strikes a solid object.
KIRK
(turning to Spock)
Okay, let's hear it.
SPOCK
(holding up parchment)
"To whomsoever finds this note:
We, the crew of the Bounty-"
KIRK
Enterprise.
Spock grudgingly corrects the parchment.
SPOCK
Enterprise... "We, the crew of
the Enterprise, seek your help.
We are stranded and marooned
and beset by merciless,
heavily-armed adversaries who
know not the meaning of fear
and will show mercy to none.
Once you rescue us, as reward
the honorable James T. Kirk
will condescend to shake your
hand. Once. One hand only.
Hoping this finds you, we beg
to remain,-"
KIRK
Remain what?
Another CLONK. Spock considers the question.
SPOCK
Alive, I would think.
(resuming)
"Hoping this finds you, we beg
to remain, Ever His Majesty's
faithful servants, The
Survivors of the unfortunate
Enterprise."
CHEKHOV
"Unfortunate" is right.
KIRK
Good. Good. I think you should
have added something about our
heroics in the great battle,
and our combatting against
incredible and normally-
overwhelming odds, but-
Another CLONK.
KIRK
-but it'll have to do. Send
that in the direction of Earth.
I think it's that way.
CREWMAN
(pausing from bailing,
and pointing)
More like that way, Captain.
Kirk gives the crewman a look that would make
cheese run away yelping.
KIRK
I'm the Captain. Your job is to
bail, pig.
CREWMAN
See, Orion is over there, and
if you look to where you can
see Centauri-
KIRK
Keep bailing!
The crewman resumes bailing. Another CLONK. He
continues speaking.
CREWMAN
-if you imagine a line between
the Canarga system and
Centauri, you can follow it and
it leads you right over there,
to where Earth-
KIRK
All right, mister! I've heard
about enough. I'm the
Commanding Officer and I say
that Earth is over there! For
God's sake. Like I'm going to
listen to someone who doesn't
even know how to bail.
CREWMAN
There's some heavy thing in the
way! I keep hitting it.
KIRK
Well, move the goddamned thing.
I don't see why I have to think
of everything...
The crewman reaches down, and pulls up:
ALL
McCoy!-
UHURA
Oh, look at his head-
KIRK
Doctor? Bones, what the hell
are you doing here-
MCCOY
(somewhat drunk and
with several bruises on
his head where the
bucket has hit him)
S'nothin... don' know what ya
gotta do to get a decent
night's rest on a starship...
Climbed up there to have a
little nightcap an' nex' thing
ya know, somebody's kneelin' on
your torso an' hittin' you in
th' head wi' a bucket...
(lifting a bottle)
I figgurred here I'd be safe
fr'm the ravings of the self-
righteors Cap'n Dunsel, but
nooo, not ev'n th' bottle an'
th' lifeboat's enough...
SPOCK
The bottle, Doctor.
McCoy hangs onto the bottle possessively. Uhura
reaches for it from behind, twists it out of his
grip and before anyone can stop her she drains
the remaining whiskey with one gulp. She then
hands the empty bottle to Spock. McCoy groans
disconsolately. Spock takes the bottle, pushes
the parchment in, corks it, and throws it in the
direction Kirk indicated as Earthbound. Kirk
grins smugly at the crewman.
WIPE:
84 EXT. SPACE - WOMBAT AND ENTERPRISE 84
Grappling lines hold the Klingon ship against the
smoking ruins of the Enterprise. A Klingon
BOARDING PARTY roams through the deserted hulk.
85 INT. BRIDGE OF THE "WOMBAT" 85
Zystra and three of his officers. Zystra is
furious. In the background, two Klingon guards
are holding Montgomery Scott. He is in irons and
grinning.
ZYSTRA
Not there? He's NOT THERE? We
came all this way for the cause
of wreaking our terrible unholy
vengeance and you're telling me
Kirk isn't even on board?
Nobody on the ship but one
worthless engineer who doesn't
even know where Kirk is-
SCOTTY
But if I knew, I'd tell ya,
sure enough-
ZYSTRA
-and you can't even tell me
which way he went?
(approaching one officer)
Mr. Kzdllf, I swear to you
there'll be no ice cream for
anybody on board this ship till
we find out what happened to-
LOOKOUT
Cap'n! Somethin' to starboard!
Zystra and his officers dash to the starboard
rail and gaze out...
86 THEIR POINT OF VIEW: SPACE 86
A small, gleaming object can be seen in the
distance, a tiny speck, coming nearer and
nearer...
ZYSTRA
It's coming this way...
Fielding glove to the Bridge!
87 THE BRIDGE 87
The officers quickly clear a space. Disciplined
Klingon officer RICKEY HENDERSON enters and
stands at the rail, adjusts his mitt, watches
carefully, and as the object comes in he easily
one-hands it and passes it off to Zystra. Zystra
takes the object and examines it...
88 INSERT: THE OBJECT 88
Zystra's hands hold the object. It is the bottle
Spock threw from the lifeboat. The scribbled
parchment can be seen within.
89 BACK TO "WOMBAT" BRIDGE 89
Zystra hands the bottle to another officer. As he
speaks Henderson tips his cap and leaves,
declining all requests for autographs.
ZYSTRA
It came from that way. At last!
Helm! Come to starboard, 13892
point 5! Crowd on sail.
Harpooneers stand ready. This
time we'll be putting an end to
the White Whale!
The Klingons CHEER...
WIPE:
90 EXT. SPACE - THE PLANET MARACAYBO 90
Establishing shot. A smallish, sandy-looking
planet with some areas of jungle and a fairly
defensible lagoon.
KIRK
(voice-over)
Captain's Log, supplemental.
The seven of us are now
marooned on this tiny desert
isle. Ginger and the Professor
seem to think they can get the
radio working.
91 EXT. MARACAYBO - THE SHORELINE 91
In the left background, the lifeboat lies beached
on the shore. Chekhov and McCoy lie next to it
playing gin rummy, McCoy playing slowly as he is
holding his head in massive pain. Right
background Uhura and the two crewmen are hacking
down coconut trees. Right now they are using
machetes. It is slow work.
Kirk and Spock are in foreground.
KIRK
Okay, let's hear it.
SPOCK
I have scanned the area for
approximately six thousand
meters. No sign of Klingon
invaders or anyone else at this
time. No signs of ruined
civilizations, no mysterious
energy fields and no ancient
machines which cause Time to
run backwards.
KIRK
(who was counting on
finding one)
Damn.
SPOCK
Chekhov and McCoy are
investigating increasing our
communicator's range to signal
for help. Uhura's party is
building primitive shelters to
protect us from the weather.
In the background we see that Uhura has grown
tired of using the machetes, and is now chopping
down wide swaths of forest with a hand phaser...
And that's what there is, so far. Perhaps one of these days I'll feel the need to add some more.