It started simply enough. I had written some macros for Word Perfect to format screenplays, and I wanted to give them a try. So I typed in a few scenes, found a couple of adjustments to be made, made them, tested it again... and kept on typing. And the result, still unfinished, lies before you now.
Make of it what you will.
37 INT. THE BRIDGE (CONTINUED) 37 Kirk and Spock are still yelling. SPOCK (uncharacteristically) I didn't mean to step on your foot, goddammit! It was just sitting out in the middle of the fucking aisle! KIRK (even more apopleptic) Dammit, you fucking green- headed slime, if you can't watch the Captain's feet then you're no fucking good as a first officer! SPOCK (posing) But I'm a lot prettier. Kirk looks, thinks, nods. KIRK Right again, Spock. Damn your eyes, you're right again. A long moment. Spock files his fingernails, very methodically. Kirk looks into space, hums a little tune. I seem to have forgotten a necessary margin somewhere. Dammit, this simply will not do. Not at all. Not even slightly. KIRK But at least the dialogue is remaining reasonably well confined. 38 AND THE SCENE NUMBER IS SELF-CORRECTING ANYWAY 38 So we only have to correct this little faux pas with the stage directions. MCCOY Is this my nostril? A new stage-direction macro ought to do the trick. Let's just keep typing. Yes: assume the right margin falls at 80, or 8" as this machine keeps trying to say, and it does a lot better. MCCOY What the hell did I DO to deserve this kind of treatment? Great. THEY get 35 picas for their dialogue. I only get the usual 30! Those goddamned pinko commies! I'll rip them limb from limb for this horrid offense. He grabs a medium-sized phaser rifle and begins striding down the corridor. 39 THE AUSTRO-HUNGARIAN FIGHTING MATCH 39 Two KLINGONS are sitting down in the bleachers with their corn-dogs and Cokes. Their names are KAALETH and ZYSTRA. Zystra is picking his teeth. KAALETH How the hell did you get a name like Zystra? ZYSTRA (finishing his bicuspids) I just wanted to get as far away from you as I could if we ever line up in alphabetical order. Pause. A CHEER goes up from the match. They resume their eating. Zystra is careful not to dirty his molars. After a moment, Kirk and Spock muscle their way past them. KIRK 'Scuse me... 'scuse me, gentlemen... Hey, some match, eh, Spock? Those Klingon bastards are losing this year. SPOCK And it wouldn't have been possible without you, Captain. Kaaleth and Zystra look up... KAALETH Heeeey... aren't you that swine-like pig, Jim Kirk? KIRK That I am. Have we met before? KAALETH (deeply annoyed) The same Jim Kirk who was responsible for torpedoing our lifeboats outside Draleth IV? SPOCK Captain, perhaps it's best if you don't answ- KIRK Oh, you know my work, then? Yeah, it was messy, what with all the mutineers we had to kill, our own decks are still red with blood, but- KAALETH You son-of-a-BITCH! I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS!!-- Kaaleth moves to attack, but is violently thrown to the floor by Zystra, who steps repeatedly on his neck in an effort to break Kaaleth's spine. ZYSTRA Don't mind him, Captain. He always has a few too many beers at these matches. KIRK I understand completely. Spock's the same way. 40 INT. ENTERPRISE CORRIDOR 40 McCoy striding down the corridor, still toting the phaser rifle and a fifth of Antarean brandy. MCCOY ...modify my dialogue when they get to have these fifteen-page harangues... get their pictures on breakfast-cereal boxes and I don't... always "Kirk and Spock", but nobody ever remembers poor old McCoy, no, sir... all those "I'm-a-doctor, not-a-whatever" jokes... He turns into the transporter room... 41 THE AUSTRO-HUNGARIAN FIGHTING MATCH - THE FIELD 41 The game is growing more intense. Some of the Klingons have drawn ba'akleths and are disembowling members of the Austrian team. One of the Klingons head-butts the ball into the net. They cheer and hug each other. Some of the Austrians crawl off the field bleeding. 42 THE BLEACHERS 42 Kaaleth and Zystra hoot and yell. Kirk and Spock look sullen. KIRK Man, that one hurt. SPOCK (fingering scorecard) Indeed, Captain. Forty-seven point three percent of the Austrian team have been maimed or are otherwise unable to play. KIRK Damn it. (a beat; Kaaleth elbows him cheerfully) Well, I guess there's no choice, Spock. We'll just have to go down there and suit up. SPOCK What, us? (Kirk nods) Play? In the big game? That's hardly sportsmanlike, Captain. KIRK True, Spock. But the Earth is at stake here! Do you want us to lose the trophy again? I mean, last year the Ferengi laughed us out of their trade negotiations. And the year before that... SPOCK I understand, sir. Let's go. They rise to leave, when a phaser rifle points onscreen, rather unsteadily... KIRK McCoy-! I thought I told you to stay in rehab... MCCOY (dressed like Rambo and laughing incoherantly) That's what you thought, Captain! That's what you thought! But I've given them all Thorazine! The ship is MINE now! Ya ha ha ha! The Enterprise - the greatest merchandizing space vehicle in HISTORY! I'll have it ALL! T- shirts with MY picture on them! Doctor MCCOY mugs! My OWN first officer! I'LL get all the good dialogue! I'LL get all the alien babes! No more sucking up to Ad-murr-ul Kirk; no more arguing with the green- blooded freak! I'LL go where no man has gone before: the Admiral McCoy Show! With lots of guest stars and musical numbers and trained-animal acts- SPOCK Will you excuse us, Doctor, we're trying to save the planet- McCoy leans forward with a syringe full of doggie phenobarbitol, but Spock gives him the Vulcan nerve-pinch whilst Kirk hits him in the face repeatedly. KIRK Well, matters seem to be improving. I think the margins with the "Wide", "Scene" and "Dialogue" macros you've developed for WordPerfect seem to be doing the job, Spock old boy. SPOCK (nursing the spots where Kirk has repeatedly punched him) Perhaps. However, the tab-stops now seem to be horrendously and irrevocably screwed up. Brief pause while all three of the principal macros have tab-stop commands written in with great haste. Kirk and Spock stand around looking rather bored. KIRK Well, that decimal-tab over right still looks kind of weird. MCCOY (groggily) Well, stop looking at it, imbecile!... McCoy halfheartedly signals a nearby waiter for a drink and then falls to the floor. KIRK ...Well, that's that. Let's suit up. 43 INT. LOCKER ROOM 43 KNUTE ROCKNZBLYA is giving his PLAYERS a pep- talk whilst they lie about making halfhearted attempts to bandage each other whilst bleeding profusely. After a moment, Kirk and Spock ENTER. ROCKNZBLYA -you gotta get 'em! You gotta get 'em where it hurts! And once you go and get 'em, you gotta get 'em again till you got all you can get- Kirk hits Rocknzblya over the head with a medium- weight chair. He then approaches one of the less- injured players and hands him a hand phaser. KIRK Now you just take this with you, son, and do exactly what I say. 44 THE BLEACHERS 44 Kirk and Spock slide gracelessly in front of Kaaleth and Zystra and return to their seats. KAALETH Hah! Chickened out, eh, Kirk? Knew you didn't have guts enough to play in the game. KIRK (slight weak smile) Yeah. Guess I'm just a coward at heart. ...Sorry- As he passes Kaaleth, he dumps a healthy dose of popcorn and Orange-Ade down the back of Kaaleth's neck. Kaaleth starts to object, but is shot a warning glance by Zystra. There is NOISE from the field and all resume their concentration on the game... 45 THE AUSTRO-HUNGARIAN FIGHTING MATCH - THE FIELD 45 The Klingons are clearly in control of the field. They have encircled the Austrian players who are making a vain final stand near their own 20-yard line. They have only primitive weapons and spears. The Klingons move in slowly, tightening the circle around them, jeering - 46 THE BLEACHERS 46 Kaaleth and Zystra cheer and howl derisively. Kirk sits quietly, slight smile on his face, waiting - 47 THE FIELD 47 The Klingons are tightening the circle, moving in for the kill, weapons on point and ready to strike - when suddenly THE WHOLE DAMN FIELD EXPLODES IN AN EXPLOSIVE BLAST OF WHITE LIGHT emanating from the center of the Austrian huddle. The smoke clears. There is a smoking, vacant hundred-foot crater where the Austrian half of the field used to be. A stunned silence from the crowd, then 48 THE BLEACHERS - WIDE SHOT 48 As the shock of the explosion begins to recede, the silence in the stands is replaced by yells. The Austrian fans cheer. They are immediately set upon by Klingon fans with hauberks and battleaxes. The Austrians counterattack with switchblades and unattached pieces of furniture. Mass bloodshed and rioting ensues. 49 THE BLEACHERS - OUR SECTION 49 Kirk is still sitting there looking smug. Kaaleth and Zystra begin to stare at him suspiciously, realization and anger dawning. SPOCK And so the game will be counted as a forfeit. KIRK And the home team automatically wins. Amazing, what you can do with a phaser set on overload. Just as Kaaleth and Zystra draw meat cleavers and grinders- KIRK Scotty, beam us up! Kirk and Spock DEMATERIALIZE just as Kaaleth and Zystra leap for the kill. Both of them fall to the floor, looking moderately frustrated. As Kaaleth lies there annoyed, Zystra rises: ZYSTRA (subtitle: PREPARE TO LEAVE ORBIT!) Z'lazhgn! Ylp grr'nathn portschulllth! 50 EXT. THE ENTERPRISE 50 Still with WET PAINT signs on the starboard nacelle. 51 INT. ENTERPRISE CORRIDOR 51 Kirk, Spock and SCOTT come out of the transporter room. KIRK (patronizingly) Scotty, you've just earned your paycheck for the week. SCOTT (smiling broadly) Aye, an' there's only one thing worse than an overpaid, bloated patronizing old ham of an' actor who can't see past his own ego, an' that's a one like that who wears a toupee. KIRK (also smiling) Yeah, well, at least I don't have to do dialect. They smile at each other. The long friendship between the admiral and the chief engineer is readily evident. KIRK Anyway, I hope you have everything ready to go for our next adventure. SCOTT (sharpening a pickaxe) Ee, that I do, Adm'r'l. Ever'thin's ship-shape. Though I never did have time to do all those crucial repairs. KIRK What crucial repairs? Oh, well, never mind, I guess I'll find out soon enough. UHURA'S VOICE Red alert! Red alert! Admiral to the bridge! Or Captain. Or whatever the hell his rank is this week. Kirk and Spock exchange a glance and run for the turbolift. Scotty stands and looks after them, smiling maliciously. 52 INT. KLINGON BIRD OF PREY "WOMBAT" - BRIDGE 52 Zystra steps into shot. At their stations are half a dozen crack KLINGON OFFICERS. Zystra examines readouts on one officer's panel and activates a radio. ZYSTRA At last, the chance to destroy the Enterprise and put a final end to that galactic pig's- bucket James T. Kirk! Kaaleth! Are you prepared? 53 EXT. SPACE - THE WOMBAT AND THE HALITOSIS 53 Zystra's tiny Bird Of Prey "Wombat" is visible in the foreground. Shot pans over to show a gigantic powerful Klingon Dreadnought, the "Halitosis", a short distance abeam of her. KLINGON OFFICER (voice-over) Sir? Communication from Admiral Zystra, sir. Sir? Sir? KAALETH (voice-over) Wh-? Huh? What? Oh - 54 INT. BRIDGE OF THE "HALITOSIS" 54 Kaaleth and a dozen or so KLINGON OFFICERS, most of them smoking crack and inhaling acetone fumes straight from the can. Kaaleth is in the back of the room lying on a beanbag chair in front of some Filmore Green posters and listening to old Randy Miller records on LP. He gets up unsteadily and stumbles to the command chair. KAALETH - yeah, that's right. Yeah. (activating radio) Uh, yeah, Admiral Kaaleth here. All systems A-OK. Ten-four. Ready to do the, uh, thing. Roger and willies. ZYSTRA (on radio) You have Enterprise coordinates on subspace coded frequency tau alpha forty-three zed ceta? KAALETH (taking drink prepared by crewman) Uh, thanks. - Uh, yeah! Enterprise coordinates. Sure. I know just where to find 'em. The poor bastards. ZYSTRA Maintain gamma frequency below 404 substratas. Attack pattern plural nine Zeta. Coded frequencies locked. KAALETH Yeah. We were just doing that. ZYSTRA Maintain Big Dangerous Threat. Zystra out. KAALETH Yeah, out. K'plaaaagh! (saluting halfheartedly with cupped hand) Activate the cloaking device! Close to battle formation! Lock away the batten hatches an' leeches! Mains'ls full and stand by all guns to become amidships! 55 EXT. SPACE 55 The Wombat and the Halitosis engage their cloaking devices and sneak up on poor defenseless Enterprise. 56 INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE 56 CHEKHOV, UHURA and a few superfluous CREWMEN at their posts. Chekhov is muttering as Kirk and Spock ENTER. CHEKHOV Sulu got his own ship. You and I - we're stuck here in thees pathetic lifeless scow. No hope. No careers of our own. No chance of promotion. UHURA Yeah, well, could be worse. At least you didn't have to take all your clothes off in Star Trek V. CHEKHOV Yeah, well, at least you deedn't have to get that theeng put in your ear... KIRK (arrives; patronizingly) Awww, you mean you miss your little playmate? Take us out of orbit, Mr. Sulu. Warp factor five. CHEKHOV (barely suppressed bitterness) Sulu's not here. I'm Chekhov. Remember? KIRK Right you are. I forgot. Sulu defected. He got a ship of his own... the miserable little turncoat, the goddamned leech- fucking rat... (snapping out of it) Well! Helmsman, set course 181 mark 25. Maximum warp. CHEKHOV Erm... 57 INSERT: CLOSE SHOT OF NAVIGATION CONSOLE 57 Graphic of the Enterprise in space, with navigational points superimposed over the screen. Chekhov sets the course for 181 mark 25, and the console flashes up a flight path which leads directly into the heart of a nearby sun. A flashing red warning on the screen says, NAVIGATIONAL HAZARD - CERTAIN DESTRUCTION IMMINENT. Chekhov's finger hovers dangerously over the ENGAGE button, as he contemplates the possibility, as he savors this sweet idea... But he chickens out. His hand veers over and turns the navigation control. He resets the course for 95 mark 50 and open space. He hits "Engage". 58 BACK TO BRIDGE 58 CHEKHOV Course set to 181 mark 25, sir. KIRK Good. CHEKHOV (under his breath) And it was wery tempting... Kirk gives Chekhov a quizzical glance. Chekhov ignores it. Kirk sits in his command chair. KIRK Another job well done! And now, let's go find another primitive alien culture to overthrow in the name of justice and the Federa- But he is interrupted by the shudder and explosion of another part of the ship... 59 EXT. SPACE 59 A photon torpedo slams into the Enterprise's starboard nacelle! Warp intercoolers, cans of wet paint and buckets of crescent wrenches go tumbling into space. 60 BACK TO BRIDGE 60 SPOCK We are under attack, Captain. Possible cloaked adversaries to aft and starboard. KIRK (falling back on STAR TREK II dialogue) Who the hell are they? SPOCK (dropping his copy of the STAR TREK II script into a nearby incinerator) If it's not already painfully obvious to you, Captain, I would speculate it's the two Klingon commanders who appeared earlier in the story. 61 EXT. SPACE 61 Three KLINGONS in a rowboat take a barrel of gunpowder attached to a long taut bungee cord, light the fuse and release it. It flies out into space at high velocity and slams into the side of the Enterprise, where the bungee cord has been tied to a cleat on the hull. Massive explosion. The Klingons laugh in pirate fashion and row away. 62 BACK TO BRIDGE 62 Sparks fly out of someone's console. More explosions can be heard. CHEKHOV The sheep's not respondeeng, Keptin! We're adreeft! KIRK Your dialect's getting thicker, too. Uhura! Open hailing frequencies! 63 INSERT: UHURA 63 At her console, bored, sullen, indifferent. UHURA (fingering a dagger) That's all I ever do on this fucking ship. "Open hailing frequencies!" "Open hailing frequencies!" One of these days, I'm gonna open your hailing frequencies... She turns in her chair, revealing her console. There is one big huge red button on it clearly marked OPEN HAILING FREQUENCIES. Nothing else. She pushes it with the hilt of the dagger. 64 BACK TO BRIDGE 64 UHURA (suppressing a yawn) Hailing frequencies open, Captain. KIRK This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise! I demand you cease your attack and identify yourselves! (aside, to himself) Now that ought to impress 'em. (again, more impressively) This is CAPTAIN James T. KIRK of the Starship... ENTERPRISE!! I deMAND you CEASE your ATTACK and iDENtify yourselves!! (smiles at Spock as if to say, "Hey! I'm doing great, huh!") This IS Captain JAMES T. KIRK, of the STARSHIP- ZYSTRA (over radio) Yes! Yes! We heard you! We heard you, for God's sake! We hear you fine! Don't keep on yammering about it or we'll kill you faster! Kirk gives Spock a glance, as if to ask who would ever dare say such a thing to him. Spock remains impassive. KIRK So, uh... So you're gonna stop, right? 65 INT. BRIDGE OF THE "WOMBAT" 65 Zystra at his command chair. ZYSTRA Not likely, Kirk! You and your offensive corrupt status quo bourgeouise humans-only egocentric fuck-em-and-kill-em Federation posturing has got to be stopped! You and your crew are going to pay the ultimate price for your corruption and your interference with the Klingon Empire! 66 INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE 66 Uhura, alarmed, interrupts. UHURA Now wait a minute. I had nothing to do with it. I was sick of the whole thing! CHEKHOV That's true! Een fact, Uhura and I had been theenking about jumping ship and defecting- ZYSTRA (over radio) Say your prayers, Kirk! That is, if you think your pagan God will listen to you... The radio clicks off. KIRK Of course He'll listen; I'm James T. KIRK! Helmsman, come right to 284 mark 9 and bring all weapons to bear. CHEKHOV Aye, sir. As Chekhov, humming to himself, halfheartedly obeys the Captain's instructions, slowly, laconically, casually spinning the navigation- control like a roulette wheel and stopping it somewhere in the neighborhood of the correct setting with an idle fingertip... KIRK Cloaked ships. Spock, what's the probability that we'll be able to spot a cloaked ship and disable it by sheer random chance? SPOCK Twenty-nine million, seven hundred forty-three thousand eight hundred ninety-one point three to one against, Captain. KIRK Then you don't mind if I play my hunch?... (to Chekhov) Fire! 67 EXT. SPACE 67 The Enterprise fires a barrage of phasers, photon torpedoes, barrels of boiling tar, cannonballs and flaming arrows... and, by impossible chance, hits the cloaked "Halitosis"! The latter drops its cloaking device. 68 INT. BRIDGE OF THE "HALITOSIS" 68 Confusuion and panic. The Enterprise can be seen on the main monitor, coming around for the kill. KLINGON Captain! We've lost the cloaking whatchamacallit! KAALETH (dropping an open can of acetone) What?! Oh my God! Where? What? Why? Quick! Put on the engorgers! No, wait, the engines! Go port to 2333333333 point, uh, duh- fuck, fuck, fuck! As he speaks the Enterprise can be seen firing another barrage of photon torpedoes, which head straight for Kaaleth's ship... 69 EXT. SPACE 69 The Halitosis explodes! Little tiny Klingons can be seen trying to swim away in the thick fog. Four of them are in a rowboat with a treasure chest. They fight off other survivors who try to board. 70 INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE 70 Kirk looks smugly self-satisfied. The others, especially Chekhov, have looks on their faces which say, "Oh my God, he's gotten away with it again, now he's going to be even more insufferable than he already was". KIRK One down, one to go. Sulu! Come round to 303 mark 99 and fire all weapons on my mark. CHEKHOV Chekhov... SPOCK Captain, odds are the same impossible plot trick won't work the same way twice in a row. KIRK (dismissively) You're just artificially building up the suspense; I know... (after a beat) Fire! 71 EXT. SPACE 71 Once again the Enterprise fires. Camera follows the photon torpedoes as they fly out into space, get caught in the orbit of a nearby planet, slingshot around the gravity well, fly back at three times their former velocity and slam directly into the Enterprise's engineering hull. Massive damage and destruction results. 72 BACK TO BRIDGE 72 Spock looks at Kirk, a hint of "I-told-you-so" smugness on his face. Kirk doesn't look directly at him. KIRK Okay, well, uh... bad idea, I admit it. 73 INT. BRIDGE OF THE "WOMBAT" 73 Exultation. Blood-lust in the Klingons' eyes. ZYSTRA Pinpoint their antigravity storage wells and attack! Manifest destiny! God Is On Our Side! The Klingons begin firing more torpedoes and lobbing lit sticks of dynamite out the windows. Two of them can be seen lifting a big Doberman with a jet-pack up to one of the torpedo tubes... 74 INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE 74 Massive smoke and destruction. EXPLOSIONS can be heard throughout the scene. A large hole leading directly into the vacuum of space can be seen slowly widening in the port wall. Uhura is trying to shove an ENSIGN into it to stop the loss of oxygen. SPOCK (logically) We're in deep fucking trouble, Captain. KIRK Sulu... uh, Chekhov! Come right to 188 mark 33 and bring all weapons to b- CHEKHOV (smiling; spinning the broken navigation control on his fingertips like a Frisbee) We've lost navigation controls, Keptin. No power to weapons or engine systems. Hey de ho! KIRK Dammit. (hitting intercom) Scotty! We need warp power and phaser controls. We need all navigational systems and weapons and shields... Scotty! SCOTTY! A beat. No answer. More explosions. 75 INT. ENGINEERING 75 The ship shakes from another set of explosions. Critical Engineering displays flash red. Kirk's voice can just be heard coming from a smoking communications console in the background. Certain destruction is imminent. The only crewmember here is Scotty. He sits on a deuterium bulkhead, calmly, even cheerfully. In his hands is a set of bagpipes. Ignoring the sounds of battle, Montgomerey Scott slowly, liltingly, plays "The Wreck of the Mary Reade" as he waits to die. There is a pleasant look, of closure, of satisfaction, on his face as he plays. He is at peace. A long, gentle, lyrical interlude. 76 BACK TO BRIDGE 76 As before. Sweat and panic. KIRK Scotty? Scotty!? Damn you, you bastard! -Okay, look, I take back all the bad things I said about you... SPOCK Inner hull rupture. Decks 2 through 39. Four hundred twenty-three casualties. KIRK Well, that ought to do it. SPOCK Hull integrity, antimatter containment and life support will all fail inside of two minutes. KIRK (significantly) What we need now is a miracle. And immediately on that cue: 77 EXT. SPACE - THE U.S.S. EXCELSIOR 77 The huge, powerful, sleek, majestic Federation starship glides across the screen accompanied by heroic music. 78 INT. EXCELSIOR BRIDGE 78 Captain SULU is just entering the bridge. His officers turn to him and address him with respect and urgency. SULU Status report. EXECUTIVE OFFICER Long-range sensors show Federation ship, Constitution class, under attack! HELM Possible cloaked adversary. We're picking up masked weapon signatures. EXEC They can't last much longer out there, sir. Sensors show they've lost main power and are losing hull integrity. Sulu takes his seat in the command chair, his features stern. SULU (quick and decisive) Shields up! Take us in at warp five. Tactical display, and bring all weapons to bear! COMM OFFICER (suddenly, as she discovers:) Wait, sir... it's the Enterprise! Long pause. Silence. Camera moves slightly in on Sulu. SULU Have they spotted us? COMM OFFICER I don't think so, sir. We're just at the outer edge of their sensor range. A beat. SULU (calm; relaxed) Hmmmm... well, never mind then. Helm! Do a slow circle keeping us out of their sensor range and get us back on course. HELM A pleasure, sir. SULU (getting up to leave) Make a tape of our sensor scans, too. Send it to my cabin once their ship blows up. I want to have a copy. EXEC Aye, sir. SULU You have the bridge, Mr. Kyle. But just before he leaves, a thought occurs to him... SULU Mr. Kyle? (the Exec looks up) It is still Kirk in command, isn't it? EXEC Aye, sir. SULU (nods, satisfied) Good. Carry on. And Sulu EXITS. 79 INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE 79 As before, only somewhat worse. There is a little blinking blip on Spock's console that says, USS EXCELSIOR - OUTER SENSOR RANGE. Spock quietly turns it off. KIRK As I said, what we need now is a miracle. A beat. SPOCK Doesn't look like you're going to get one, Captain. Another beat. More explosions can be heard from the lower decks. A spar-mast comes crashing down next to Uhura's console. Dramatic music plays. Camera does a slow zoom-in on Kirk. He is about to make a Great Decision. KIRK (quietly but firmly) Abandon ship. 80 ANOTHER ANGLE ON THE BRIDGE 80 General sigh of relief. Uhura and Chekhov reach under their consoles and pull out their bags, which are already packed. Spock signals the two surviving CREWMEN (one of whom is wearing a red shirt) to begin lowering the lifeboat. As they begin working at the ropes, Spock steps quietly up behind Kirk. SPOCK Shall I set the self-destruct device, sir? KIRK No. No need... Scotty'll take care of it. He'd never let the ship fall into enemy hands. 81 INT. ENGINEERING 81 Smoke and ruin. Everything disabled. Portable emergency lighting has been set up. Champagne bottles and assorted Federation secrets lie waiting on a nearby table. Mr. Scott is hanging a banner which reads WELCOME KLINGON INVADERS. DISSOLVE: 82 EXT. SPACE 82 Transitional music. The Enterprise lies in the left foreground, listing heavily to port and burning. A small lifeboat pulls away from the bridge and heads right. Camera pans with it to show a small planet a moderate distance away. KIRK (voice-over) Captain's Log, stardate three- four-two-eight-nine-twenty-six point seven and a half. The survivors of the Enterprise are heading for the fourth moon of Maracaybo, where we should be able to hold out against the filthy Klingon pirates who have butchered our ship... 83 INT. LIFEBOAT 83 Chekhov in the bow, idly playing with a piece of string. Uhura and the red-shirted crewmen are next, pulling at the oars. The other crewman sits just aft of them, bailing the vacuum of space out of the bottom of the boat with a tin bucket. There is an occasional CLONK as he accidentally hits a solid object in the bottom of the boat. Spock is next, writing a small note on a piece of parchment. Kirk is aftmost, leaning on the tiller and dictating his log into a small hand-held tape recorder. KIRK ...it's a Class M planet with a breathable atmosphere, and the opening of the bay is highly defensible, so we should be able to hold out there until help arrives. SPOCK Is "rescue" one Q or two, Captain? KIRK Make it three, for emphasis. (resuming log) Survey ships reported that there were primitive cultures living in this system, so there is a chance of finding an alien species whose women can be seduced and its government overthrown in the name of the Federation. He clicks the tape off. Another CLONK as the tin bucket strikes a solid object. KIRK (turning to Spock) Okay, let's hear it. SPOCK (holding up parchment) "To whomsoever finds this note: We, the crew of the Bounty-" KIRK Enterprise. Spock grudgingly corrects the parchment. SPOCK Enterprise... "We, the crew of the Enterprise, seek your help. We are stranded and marooned and beset by merciless, heavily-armed adversaries who know not the meaning of fear and will show mercy to none. Once you rescue us, as reward the honorable James T. Kirk will condescend to shake your hand. Once. One hand only. Hoping this finds you, we beg to remain,-" KIRK Remain what? Another CLONK. Spock considers the question. SPOCK Alive, I would think. (resuming) "Hoping this finds you, we beg to remain, Ever His Majesty's faithful servants, The Survivors of the unfortunate Enterprise." CHEKHOV "Unfortunate" is right. KIRK Good. Good. I think you should have added something about our heroics in the great battle, and our combatting against incredible and normally- overwhelming odds, but- Another CLONK. KIRK -but it'll have to do. Send that in the direction of Earth. I think it's that way. CREWMAN (pausing from bailing, and pointing) More like that way, Captain. Kirk gives the crewman a look that would make cheese run away yelping. KIRK I'm the Captain. Your job is to bail, pig. CREWMAN See, Orion is over there, and if you look to where you can see Centauri- KIRK Keep bailing! The crewman resumes bailing. Another CLONK. He continues speaking. CREWMAN -if you imagine a line between the Canarga system and Centauri, you can follow it and it leads you right over there, to where Earth- KIRK All right, mister! I've heard about enough. I'm the Commanding Officer and I say that Earth is over there! For God's sake. Like I'm going to listen to someone who doesn't even know how to bail. CREWMAN There's some heavy thing in the way! I keep hitting it. KIRK Well, move the goddamned thing. I don't see why I have to think of everything... The crewman reaches down, and pulls up: ALL McCoy!- UHURA Oh, look at his head- KIRK Doctor? Bones, what the hell are you doing here- MCCOY (somewhat drunk and with several bruises on his head where the bucket has hit him) S'nothin... don' know what ya gotta do to get a decent night's rest on a starship... Climbed up there to have a little nightcap an' nex' thing ya know, somebody's kneelin' on your torso an' hittin' you in th' head wi' a bucket... (lifting a bottle) I figgurred here I'd be safe fr'm the ravings of the self- righteors Cap'n Dunsel, but nooo, not ev'n th' bottle an' th' lifeboat's enough... SPOCK The bottle, Doctor. McCoy hangs onto the bottle possessively. Uhura reaches for it from behind, twists it out of his grip and before anyone can stop her she drains the remaining whiskey with one gulp. She then hands the empty bottle to Spock. McCoy groans disconsolately. Spock takes the bottle, pushes the parchment in, corks it, and throws it in the direction Kirk indicated as Earthbound. Kirk grins smugly at the crewman. WIPE: 84 EXT. SPACE - WOMBAT AND ENTERPRISE 84 Grappling lines hold the Klingon ship against the smoking ruins of the Enterprise. A Klingon BOARDING PARTY roams through the deserted hulk. 85 INT. BRIDGE OF THE "WOMBAT" 85 Zystra and three of his officers. Zystra is furious. In the background, two Klingon guards are holding Montgomery Scott. He is in irons and grinning. ZYSTRA Not there? He's NOT THERE? We came all this way for the cause of wreaking our terrible unholy vengeance and you're telling me Kirk isn't even on board? Nobody on the ship but one worthless engineer who doesn't even know where Kirk is- SCOTTY But if I knew, I'd tell ya, sure enough- ZYSTRA -and you can't even tell me which way he went? (approaching one officer) Mr. Kzdllf, I swear to you there'll be no ice cream for anybody on board this ship till we find out what happened to- LOOKOUT Cap'n! Somethin' to starboard! Zystra and his officers dash to the starboard rail and gaze out... 86 THEIR POINT OF VIEW: SPACE 86 A small, gleaming object can be seen in the distance, a tiny speck, coming nearer and nearer... ZYSTRA It's coming this way... Fielding glove to the Bridge! 87 THE BRIDGE 87 The officers quickly clear a space. Disciplined Klingon officer RICKEY HENDERSON enters and stands at the rail, adjusts his mitt, watches carefully, and as the object comes in he easily one-hands it and passes it off to Zystra. Zystra takes the object and examines it... 88 INSERT: THE OBJECT 88 Zystra's hands hold the object. It is the bottle Spock threw from the lifeboat. The scribbled parchment can be seen within. 89 BACK TO "WOMBAT" BRIDGE 89 Zystra hands the bottle to another officer. As he speaks Henderson tips his cap and leaves, declining all requests for autographs. ZYSTRA It came from that way. At last! Helm! Come to starboard, 13892 point 5! Crowd on sail. Harpooneers stand ready. This time we'll be putting an end to the White Whale! The Klingons CHEER... WIPE: 90 EXT. SPACE - THE PLANET MARACAYBO 90 Establishing shot. A smallish, sandy-looking planet with some areas of jungle and a fairly defensible lagoon. KIRK (voice-over) Captain's Log, supplemental. The seven of us are now marooned on this tiny desert isle. Ginger and the Professor seem to think they can get the radio working. 91 EXT. MARACAYBO - THE SHORELINE 91 In the left background, the lifeboat lies beached on the shore. Chekhov and McCoy lie next to it playing gin rummy, McCoy playing slowly as he is holding his head in massive pain. Right background Uhura and the two crewmen are hacking down coconut trees. Right now they are using machetes. It is slow work. Kirk and Spock are in foreground. KIRK Okay, let's hear it. SPOCK I have scanned the area for approximately six thousand meters. No sign of Klingon invaders or anyone else at this time. No signs of ruined civilizations, no mysterious energy fields and no ancient machines which cause Time to run backwards. KIRK (who was counting on finding one) Damn. SPOCK Chekhov and McCoy are investigating increasing our communicator's range to signal for help. Uhura's party is building primitive shelters to protect us from the weather. In the background we see that Uhura has grown tired of using the machetes, and is now chopping down wide swaths of forest with a hand phaser...
And that's what there is, so far. Perhaps one of these days I'll feel the need to add some more.