Mr. Potato Head:

FADE IN:

EXTERIOR: DOWNTOWN CHICAGO - STATE STREET - 
620 MILLION YEARS AGO

Banners in store windows proclaim things like
"Proterozoic Era Closeout - All Sales are Final"
and "Kinney's Shoes are Joining the World in
Announcing the New Cambrian Geologic Period".
Festive mood.

Camera pans around a corner, and looks down Van
Buren Avenue. Two happy INVERTIBRATES are loading
packages into a car.

                   MALE INVERTIBRATE
          Well, Polly, looks like we're
          getting our shopping done.
          
                   FEMALE INVERTIBRATE
          You bet, John! We're gonna be all
          stocked up on single-cell life
          forms. And just in time for the
          holidays, too.
          
                   MALE INVERTIBRATE
          Boy, oh, boy! I'm looking forward
          to that party. You know, it seems
          like the Proterozoic era just
          started - and, here, it's already
          been 800 million years.
          
                   FEMALE INVERTIBRATE
              (giving the Male
              Invertibrate a hug)
          Oh, John, don't get all
          sentimental.
              (playfully)
          After all, we've still got lots
          of evolving to do!
          
                   MALE INVERTIBRATE
              ("gee-whiz" smile)
          Yeah, Polly, I guess you're
          right.
              (opening the door for her)
          You go ahead and head home. I
          just want to go in and see if
          Hillman's has any of those new
          marine algae in stock.
          
                   FEMALE INVERTIBRATE
          Okay. See you back at the deep
          spot!
          
Polly the Invertibrate starts the car and drives
deeper underwater. John Invertibrate slithers up
the street.


EXT. DOWNTOWN CHICAGO - INTERSECTION OF VAN BUREN AND 
LASALLE

John Invertibrate is waiting for the light to
change. A couple of SPORES OF UNCERTAIN
RELATIONSHIP go by. Suddenly three MULTICELLULAR
VASCULAR ENTITIES step out of nowhere and grab the
Invertibrate.

              FIRST MULTICELLULAR VASCULAR
                   ENTITY
          All right, buddy, move it. In
          here.
          
The Vascular Entities push the Male Invertibrate
into an alley.


EXT. IN THE ALLEY

John Invertibrate is pushed up against a dumpster.

                   FIRST VASCULAR ENTITY
              (nastily)
          Make yourself at home.
          
                   MALE INVERTIBRATE
          What do you want?
          
                   SECOND VASCULAR ENTITY
          We won't keep you long.
          
                   THIRD VASCULAR ENTITY
          All we want is the secret.
          
                   MALE INVERTIBRATE
          Wha - what secret?
          
                   FIRST VASCULAR ENTITY
          Sex!
          
                   MALE INVERTIBRATE
              (confused)
          What?
          
                   FIRST VASCULAR ENTITY
          Sex! Your genetic key to
          multicellular specialization! How
          do you pass on the code?
          
                   MALE INVERTIBRATE
              (defiantly)
          I'll never tell you!
          
                   FIRST VASCULAR ENTITY
          Oh, you won't, eh?
              (shouting)
          You wouldn't want anything to
          happen to your pretty Polly
          Invertibrate, would you?
          
                   MALE INVERTIBRATE
              (horrified)
          Polly? If you touch one pseudopod
          on her head -
          
                   THIRD VASCULAR ENTITY
          Oh, Polly is perfectly safe - as
          long as you tell us what we want
          to know! Otherwise...
          
                   MALE INVERTIBRATE
          All right, all right! I'll tell
          you! It has to do with
          recombinant DNA, and basic
          proteins are used as the basis
          for a genetic code which is held
          by carbon and nitrogen in a
          double-helix of cross-linked
          purine and pyrimidine bases!
          Successive recombinant forms are
          accepted or rejected by later
          generations of the structure
          through survival patterns created
          by the offspring of the original
          pairing of the parents' genetic
          matrices!
          
                   SECOND VASCULAR ENTITY
          And the original DNA strand?
          
                   MALE INVERTIBRATE
          It divides into two single-helix
          patterns, and both halves rebuild
          themselves through icosahedral
          patterns of enzyme bonding!
          
The three Multicellular Vascular Entities release
the Male Invertibrate.

                   FIRST VASCULAR ENTITY
          All right, invertibrate. We'll
          let you go. But if you breathe
          one word of this to a higher form
          of life, or if you even think of
          leaving town... you'll be hearing
          from us!
          
The three Vascular Entities leave. John
Invertibrate slumps down behind the dumpster in
terror.

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

EXTERIOR: NEW YORK CITY - SOUTH BROOKLYN (SHEEPSHEAD BAY) - 
PALEOZOIC ERA, DEVONIAN GEOLOGIC PERIOD - NOON

Various AMPHIBIANS are in evidence, crawling up out
of the sea and sightseeing on the Boardwalk. Camera
focuses up on two CEPHALOPODS leaning against a
railing.

Long pause. One of them flips listlessly through a
copy of the Racing Form.

After a moment, the other Cephalopod taps the one
on the shoulder and points a tentacle at a largish
BIVALVE MOLLUSK dowm the walk.

                   FIRST CEPHALOPOD
          That's him... let's go.
          
The two Cephalopods follow the Bivalve Mollusk.


MONTAGE - THE BOARDWALK, ORIENTAL AVENUE, SOUTH AMHEARST 
STREET

The Bivalve Mollusk moves to a doorway on Amhearst
Street, looks behind him, and enters. The two
Cephalopods come up to the door a moment later,
check the door, and quietly enter.


INTERIOR: AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE

The two Cephalopods enter. The Bivalve Mollusk is
seated behind a desk, awaiting them.

                   BIVALVE MOLLUSK
              (quietly and in control)
          I have the money. I presume you
          have the information.
          
One of the Cephalopods steps forward, gestures for
the other to stand by the door.

                   CEPHALOPOD
          Let's settle the money first.
          
                   BIVALVE MOLLUSK
          We agreed on fifty thousand,
          correct?
          
                   CEPHALOPOD
          Fifty thousand in cash. And up
          front, in case you've forgotten.
          
                   BIVALVE MOLLUSK
          Don't worry, the cash is here.
          And I'll give it to you - as soon
          as you provide me with the
          information.
          
                   CEPHALOPOD
          Cash first. I don't trust you
          members of the Lamellibranchia
          family. We have more tentacles
          than you, but you still think
          your gills make you better.
          
                   BIVALVE MOLLUSK
          You Cephalopods will never
          understand, will you?
              (with a sigh)
          Very well. The money is here, in
          the top drawer. Now give me the
          information you brought me.
          
The Bivalve Mollusk opens the top drawer of the
desk; a large number of bills can be seen within.
The Cephalopod looks for a moment, nods.

                   CEPHALOPOD
          You're still using
          photosynthesis.
          
                   BIVALVE MOLLUSK
              (annoyed)
          Of course we are. What else is
          there?
          
                   CEPHALOPOD
          Over in the South Bronx, we're
          not using photosynthesis any
          more.
          
A long pause. The Bivalve Mollusk stares at the
Cephalopod.

                   BIVALVE MOLLUSK
              (quietly suspending his
              disbelief)
          What are you using?
          
                   CEPHALOPOD
              (with a slight smile)
          Digestion. Lycopodeums,
          equisetums, mosses... a variety
          of plant life. They make up a
          compound which can be eaten,
          dissolved internally, broken down
          into simpler chemical compounds!
          These latter compounds are
          consumed for energy on a cell-by-
          cell basis.
          
                   BIVALVE MOLLUSK
          By "eaten", I presume you mean to
          ingest, chew, or swallow in turn.
          
                   CEPHALOPOD
          That's right.
          
                   BIVALVE MOLLUSK
          That's horrible. Barbaric.
              (suppressing nausea)
          Only someone from the Bronx could
          come up with it.
          
                   CEPHALOPOD
              (grinning)
          We got it from Queens.
              (setting a vial on the
              counter)
          Here's the DNA template. We'll
          just take the money and wish you
          good luck.
          
The Cephalopod reaches for the money, but the
Bivalve Mollusk quietly closes the drawer.

                   BIVALVE MOLLUSK
              (quietly)
          I'm sure your DNA is quite
          accurate. The only problem is
          that we've been in contact with
          Queens, too.
              (a pause; the Cephalopod's
              eyes widen)
          Oh, no, they didn't tell us about
          this. But they did tell me the
          part that you've been holding out
          on.
          
                   CEPHALOPOD
              (quickly)
          Held back? I haven't held back
          nothun'.
          
                   BIVALVE MOLLUSK
          Oh yes, you have. You didn't tell
          us about the newest defensive
          processes they've evolved. You
          weren't planning to, either - you
          were going to offer us this
          digestion, and allay our
          suspicions for awhile until you
          were ready to take over.
              (smiles thinly)
          But we did some evolving, too.
          
                   CEPHALOPOD
          What do you mean?
          
                   BIVALVE MOLLUSK
          I mean you're not going to move
          into our territory. Not while
          there's still survival of the
          fittest.
          
The Bivalve Mollusk gestures, and four
EXOSKELETONED ECHINODERMS step out from behind some
crates and tear the Cephalopod to shreds.

The other Cephalopod, standing by the door all this
time, turns and flees.

The Bivalve Mollusk stands and points.

                   BIVALVE MOLLUSK
          Get him, you fools! If he reports
          back to his bosses, we'll have a
          gang war! Get him!
          
The four Exoskeletoned Echinoderms run after the
escaping Cephalopod.

The Bivalve Mollusk runs to the door, looks out.
After a moment, he moves nervously back to the
desk, grasps the DNA vial.

A LIMPET enters from the next room.

                   LIMPET
          You're taking one hell of a
          chance, shellfish. We have no
          idea how many exoskeletons
          they've evolved on the North
          Side. If this "digestion" doesn't
          work, you may have just bought
          extinction for our entire
          species.
          
                   BIVALVE MOLLUSK
          Don't worry. I tell you, this
          digestion is more important than
          you realize.
          
                   LIMPET
          It had better be...
          
The Bivalve Mollusk turns away, looks again at the
vial...

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

MONTAGE: THE MESOZOIC ERA - VARIOUS EXTERIOR LOCATIONS

Plants begin to flower for the first time in three
billion years. One particularly beautiful TEASEL
SHRUB grows up, begins to flower, and is devoured
by a pack of MARSUPIALS.

Montage continues with various PLANTS being
attacked and eaten by a variety of MAMMALS,
REPTILES, and BIRDS.

Last shot is an OLIVE PLANT, which is violently
uprooted and murdered by two SHREWS.


DISSOLVE TO:

EXTERIOR: SAN FRANCISCO - CONVENTION CENTER - NOON -
MESOZOIC ERA, UPPER CRETACEOUS EPOCH

Establishing shot. Thousands of PLANTS can be seen
entering.


INTERIOR: CONFERENCE CENTER - MAIN GALLERY

Crowded with plants of all descriptions. A LILY is
at the podium.

                   LILY
          ...And as you all know, the
          mammals are now working to
          develop live birth of their
          young. This increases the threat
          that the animals are providing us
          plants, and therefore we must
          take action!
          
                   A CONIFER IN THE CROWD
          Action? What action?
          
                   A NIGHTSHADE
          We've tried everything!
          
                   LILY
          We can try more defensive
          mutations - spines, hard shells,
          acidic liquids-
          
                   A CACTUS IN THE BACK
          Don't you think we've tried that?
          It's no good! Somebody just
          evolves a new way to eat us!
          
                   LILY
          Then we'll just have to evolve
          new species.
          
                   SOME WHEAT NEAR THE
                   PODIUM
          We grasses and cereals are
          practically brand-new! We've only
          been around for - ha! hardly even
          five million years - and they're
          already driving us to extinction!
          
                   A MOSS
          It's the mammals that are doing
          the worst of it!
          
                   A LYCOPODEUM SPORE
          No! It's the reptiles!
          
                   SHOUTS FROM THE FLOOR
              (ad-libbed)
          No! The mammals! The reptiles!
          The birds!...
          
Loud shouts from all over the floor. The Lily tries
vainly to regain order.

                   LILY
          Quiet! Quiet! We'll never get
          anywhere unless we cooperate!
          Come to order! Come to order!
          
                   A CONIFER
          What can we do?
          
                   A LOUD AUTHORITATIVE
                   VOICE FROM THE DOOR
          You can do more than you think.
          
Everyone turns and gasps. In strides MR. POTATO
HEAD, relative of the Nightshade genus and genetic
mutant.

                   MR. POTATO HEAD
          You have got a chance against
          these herbivores, but it won't be
          easy.
          
He begins making his way to the podium through the
amazed crowd...

                   A SYCAMORE
          But how?
          
                   MR. POTATO HEAD
          You're all talking about re-
          evolving yourselves... which is
          good, but it doesn't get to the
          heart of the problem. What you
          need to do is re-evolve the
          enemy.
          
A murmur through the crowd. Mr. Potato Head reaches
the podium.

                   A SMALL SHAMROCK
          Re-evolve them?
          
                   MR. POTATO HEAD
          Yes!
          
                   AN EVERGREEN TREE
          But they depend on digestion now.
          They'll never go back to
          photosynthesis!
          
                   MR. POTATO HEAD
          You're thinking along the wrong
          lines. It's true, you'll never
          get them to turn back to the Sun.
          But if you all cooperate with
          each other, you can get them to
          stop attacking you... and they'll
          think they're making progress as
          well!
          
                   LILY
              (standing next to him on
              the podium)
          Progress? How can you convince
          them of that?
          
                   MR. POTATO HEAD
          Let me explain it to you...
          
Music wells up. Mr. Potato Head begins to outline
his plan. Camera pulls slowly away from the
podium...

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

EXTERIOR: SANTA MONICA, CALIFORNIA - LINCOLN PARK - 
CENOZOIC ERA - TERTIARY PERIOD - MIOCENE EPOCH - 6:59 AM

An ORANGE TREE stands in a field of wild RAMPION.
     
A pair of FORAGING RABBITS hop in, begin to eat
some of the Rampion.

A MOUNTAIN LION and a GRIZZLY BEAR walk up to the
Orange Tree. The Bear looks at the Tree's fruit.

                   GRIZZLY BEAR
          Hm... still not ripe yet. Another
          couple of days.
          
                   MOUNTAIN LION
              (falling back on their
              conversation of a moment
              earlier)
          ...So I said to him, "Ape," I
          said, "I don't give a damn if you
          have opposable thumbs or not. The
          key to getting along is gonna be
          claws." And you know what he
          says? He says, "You're wrong,
          Lion. It's all cranial capacity
          and dexterity. We're gonna be
          controlling the whole damn world,
          and you're going to be fighting
          extinction!" How do you like
          that?
          
                   GRIZZLY BEAR
          Extinction? He really said that?
          
                   MOUNTAIN LION
          He sure did! Damndest thing I'd
          ever heard.
          
The Grizzly Bear and the Lion prepare to eat some
of the Rampion covering the ground.

                   ORANGE TREE
          Hey - hey, Bear! Lion!
          
                   GRIZZLY BEAR
          Who's that?
          
                   ORANGE TREE
          It's me.
          
                   MOUNTAIN LION
          What do you want, tree?
          
                   ORANGE TREE
              (quietly)
          You really gonna eat that
          rampion?
          
                   GRIZZLY BEAR
              (with a shrug)
          Sure. Why not?
          
                   ORANGE TREE
          See those two rabbits over there?
          
                   GRIZZLY BEAR
              (glancing over his shoulder)
          Yeah... what about 'em?
          
                   ORANGE TREE
          They're eating rampion, too.
          
                   MOUNTAIN LION
          Sure. So? Rampion's good this
          time of year.
          
                   ORANGE TREE
          Well, it's just that...
          
                   GRIZZLY BEAR
          What?
          
                   ORANGE TREE
              (feigning indifference)
          Oh, never mind. Forget it.
          
                   MOUNTAIN LION
          What?
          
                   ORANGE TREE
          You probably wouldn't care,
          anyway.
          
                   LION AND BEAR TOGETHER
          Tell us!
          
                   ORANGE TREE
              (whispered)
          Well, I probably shouldn't tell
          you this, but... You know what
          happens when you eat a rabbit?
          
                   GRIZZLY BEAR
              (offended by the whole idea)
          Eat a-
          
                   MOUNTAIN LION
              (quick glance at the
              rabbits)
          Ssssshhh!
              (whispered to the Tree)
          What?
          
                   ORANGE TREE
          When you eat the rabbit, you get
          the same amount of nutrition as
          all the food the rabbit has eaten
          in its entire life - all the
          rampion, all the carrots, all the
          lettuce, all the rest of it! All
          at once!
              (a beat)
          That's what they say.
          
The Grizzly Bear and the Mountain Lion are
listening, fascinated in spite of themselves.

                   MOUNTAIN LION
          Are - are you serious?
          
                   ORANGE TREE
          Sure I'm serious! Really!
              (with a conspiratorial look)
          ...Give it a try.
          
The Mountain Lion and Grizzly Bear give the Orange
Tree a look, step away a few paces.

                   GRIZZLY BEAR
          D'you suppose it's true?
          
                   MOUNTAIN LION
          I don't know. It makes sense,
          though... I'd never really
          thought about it that way
          before...
          
The Mountain Lion is eyeing the two Rabbits.

                   GRIZZLY BEAR
              (noticing the Lion's glance)
          Look, are you sure you wanna do
          this?
          
                   MOUNTAIN LION
              (taking a deep breath)
          I don't know... but... damn it,
          if he's right...!
          
A long pause.

Suddenly the Mountain Lion leaps up, pounces with
fully-extended claws straight towards one of the
Rabbits.

                   MOUNTAIN LION
          Rrrrrrrraaoooooowwwwwwwrrrrrrr!
          
                   RABBIT VICTIM
          Oh, my God!
          
The Lion brings down one of the Rabbits. The other
Rabbit goes bounding away.

                   MOUNTAIN LION
              (his mouth full)
          Mmmmm... say, this is fantastic!
          You've gotta try this!
          
                   GRIZZLY BEAR
          Really? Lemme have a bite.
          
                   MOUNTAIN LION
              (pulling the dead rabbit
              closer to him)
          No way. This is mine. You've
          gotta go get your own.
          
The Grizzly Bear snorts, chases the remaining
Rabbit offscreen.

                   SURVIVING RABBIT
              (heard offscreen)
          Hellp! Helllllllllp! Hellp...
          
Long pause. The Mountain Lion finishes off the
rabbit, walks away.

The Rampion turns to the Orange Tree.

                   RAMPION
              (a hushed whisper)
          Did you see that? It worked!
          
                   ORANGE TREE
          That's incredible. That's simply
          incredible.

          
DISSOLVE TO:

MONTAGE - THE MIOCENE EPOCH

Other ANIMALS can be seen foraging among the PLANTS. In each
shot a PLANT whispers something to one of the ANIMALS, the
Animal regards the other Animals suspiciously, and then
attacks.

A group of HAWKS can be seen descending on some SHREWS.

An AMPHIBIAN begins swallowing some benevolent INSECTS.

A POLAR BEAR begins grabbing some SALMON out of a river.

Some PRIMATES can be seen attacking some OTHER PRIMATES.

The montage continues for some time. Exciting Jimmy Page
guitar solo played under it all.


DISSOLVE TO:

EXTERIOR: THE PEAK OF MOUNT EVEREST - FIRST DAY OF THE PLIOCENE
EPOCH

Mr. Potato Head has been climbing for hours.
Finally he reaches the summit.

He moves to the peak and sits down next to his
guide and mentor, the OLD SPORE.

They sit in silence for a moment in the Sunlight.

                   MR. POTATO HEAD
          Hello, old friend.
          
                   THE OLD SPORE
          Ah... Mr. Potato Head. How has
          your task been going?
          
                   MR. POTATO HEAD
          It's been going perfectly. The
          animal forms of life are in
          complete chaos. Thousands of
          species have become carnivores -
          thousands more are going to be
          omnivores. In time they'll
          destroy each other, and all the
          plants will be safe.
          
The Old Spore shakes its head sadly.

                   THE OLD SPORE
          I'm afraid you haven't yet
          completed your task, my young
          pupil. You see only a part of the
          picture. In - oh, no more than
          fifty million years - the
          omnivores will have all but taken
          over.
          
                   MR. POTATO HEAD
          Then the plants aren't safe yet.
          
                   THE OLD SPORE
          Not at all. Not at all, my lad.
          
                   MR. POTATO HEAD
          What can I do?
          
The Old Spore looks up at the life-giving Sun. A
photosynthetic ripple goes through him, gives him
new strength.

                   THE OLD SPORE
          It will take time... You must go
          out, go forth and create a new
          form of life. Something big
          enough, strong enough to destroy
          all the others. And this new
          breed must be something inocuous,
          something they'd never suspect
          until it was too late.
          
                   MR. POTATO HEAD
          But how will I do that?
          
                   THE OLD SPORE
          Do not worry, my disciple. The
          omnivores are all fools - they
          are notoriously short-sighted.
          Just let it evolve like any other
          species.
              (with a mischevious chuckle)
          They'll never even suspect the
          danger, so wrapped up are they
          with their own trivial concerns.
          
                   MR. POTATO HEAD
          But should it be real small, like
          a bacterium, or-
          
                   THE OLD SPORE
          No, no! Make it as big as you
          like. I assure you, they won't
          even notice. They'll scratch
          their heads in puzzlement, give
          up, and then be devoured before
          they even realize what happened.
              (a beat)
          Now go, my young student - go and
          save your fellow plants.
          
                   MR. POTATO HEAD
          As you wish, my old friend.
          
Mr. Potato Head turns, starts down the mountain.
The Old Spore smiles.
                                               
FADE OUT

FADE IN:

EXTERIOR: THE COASTS OF OREGON - CENOZOIC ERA - 
QUARTERNARY PERIOD - HOLOCENE EPOCH - A CLIFF 
OVERLOOKING THE COAST - EARLY MORNING

A group of WHALES can be seen on the shore.

Standing on the cliffs are a group of AMERICAN
SCIENTISTS, looking down at the coast with
binoculars.

                   A MARINE BIOLOGIST
          The whales are swimming onto the
          land again.
          
                   ANOTHER SCIENTIST
          Now why in the world do they keep
          doing that?
          
Camera holds on the scene for a long moment.

FADE OUT.