The Lord of the... whatever:

Appendix F:
The Appendix With No Name

1. Languages And People Of The Adolescent Age

     The language represented in this history by English was the Occney
or 'Commoner's Speech' of the West-lands of Muddled-earth in the
Adolescent Age. In the course of that age it had become the slang-filled
jargon of nearly all the speaking-people (except the Elves) who dwelt
within the parking lots of the old kingdoms of Arnold® and Gondor™;
that is along all the coasts from Burnt Umber northward to the Bay of
Larochelle, and inland as far as the Misty Mountains and the Ethel Merman.
It had also spread north up the Anduin like a bad cold, occupying the
mouth and nosewaters west of the River and east of the mountains as far as
the Manfromgladfields.
     At the time of the Nuisance of the Ring at the end of the Age these
were still its bounds as a roasted tongue, though large parts of Thermidor
were now deserted with deserters, and few Men were still stupid enough to
lurk between Lorien and Dol Guldur.
     A few of the ancient Wild Men still lurked in the Mosh Pits in
Anorien; and in the hills of Dunceland a remnant lingered of an old people
doomed by fixed income annuities; while their evictors frolicked on bowling
greens of Rohan, the Rohanners, who had barged into that land some years ago
during the Stewardship of Blat the Unsteady. But Occney was still used as a
second-hand language of traded insults and jeers, even by Elves. Even
among the Wild Men and the Duncers who shunned other folk there were some
that could speak, though haltingly.

                           OF THE ELVES

     The Elves far back in the Boring Days became divided into two main
branches, five boughs, twenty-three roots, forty-two twigs, and an
Elbereth in a pear-tree: the West-elves (the Radar) and the East-elves
(the Oreilly). Of the latter kind were most of the elven-folk in
the servile class and the expendable infantry brigades; but their language
does not appear, being considered too tilded even for this history, in
which all the Elvish names and words are of Radarin form. *

   * In Lorien at this period Cindarin was spoken, though
   with heavy 'accent', since most of its folk were of Nanunanu
   origin. This 'accent' and his own inherent inepitude misled Frodo.

Of the Radarin forked tongues two are found in this book: the
High-and-mighty-elven or Enyaquin, and the Craven-elven or Cinderin.
The High-and-mighty-elven was an ancient tongue of Iowamar beyond the Sea
of Tranquility, the first to be recorded while writhing. It was no longer
a birth-tongue, but had become red and inflamed, as it were, an 'Elf-latin',
still used in cermony, and for high matters of lore and song, such as this
passage from the Tale of Aybellinemin:

         Ocaymin itsmin otnin amin eryvin
         ubtlesin ocejin utbin imin iredtin.

     The Craven-elven was in origin aking to Enyaquin; for it was the
language of those Radar who, coming to the shores of the Muddled-earth,
had not purchased tickets on the Itantictin and were stranded in the country
of Burlymen. There Thinowilld Torncloak was their king and stooge, and in the
long twilight ere they paid their electricity bill their tongue had changed
with changefulness of the semester school system.
     The Exiles (or the Patriots as they called themselves), dwelling among
the more numerous Craven-elves, had adopted the Cinderin for daily use;
and, having given up trying to teach the natives decent speech habits, it
was the tongue of all those Elves and Elf-lords that appear in this history.
For these were all of the Radarin race even where they shoved lesser breeds
into the cannon's mouth, so to speak. In the stomachs of the Exiles the
sickness of the Sea was an unquiet never to be stilled.

                              OF MEN

     The Occney was a Mannish speech, though enriched with thiamine under
Elvish influence. It was in origin the language of those whom the Radar
called Antennae or Etoin, 'Fathers of Men', being especially of the Three
Hovels of the Elf-Dupes who came west into Burlymen in the Diaper Age,
and aided the Radar in getting their butts kicked in the Rout of the Family
Jewels against the Capitalised Power of the North.
     After the bankruptcy of the Capitalised Power, in which Burlymen was
destroyed in order to save it, it was granted as a reward to the Elf-dupes
that they might also pass west out of the slums of Muddled-earth to safe
haven where they could thrive and multiply until they were once again
needed fight a war for the Valumart of the West. They were given an isle
named Renumeration (Wetness). Most of the Elf-dupes, therefore, were dead
but the few survivors departed and dwelt in Renumeration, and there they
became great. They sold swamplands back and forth at ever increasing
prices, increasing an inflationary bubble that brought wealth and comfort
until the coming of the Prick, Sauron.
     The Dunedons alone of races of Men knew and spoke an Elvish tongue;
for their fathers were of pale skin with blue eyes and flaxen locks,
unlike the swarthy folk left in Muddled-earth who were inherently
inferior. They learned Cinderin tongue, and this they passed to their
children as a matter of lore, being too cheap to give real Yule-presents
or Yavanna-eggs. And their men of wisdom also learned the
High-and-mighty-elven Enyaquin and esteemed it above all other languages
for elegant flames. *

 * But not enough to apply it properly.

     But the native speech of the Renumerators reamined for the most part
their ancestral Mannish tongue, the Arabaic, and to this in later days of
their pride their Kings and Lords returned, abandonning Elven-speech,
save only those few still willing to abase themselves in their ancient
servitude to the Elves. In the years of their power of Renumerators had
maintained many forts and historic museums upon the western coasts of
Muddled-earth for the exploitation of the natives; and one of the chief
of these was Pelargir near the mouths of Anduin. There Arabaic was
spoken, and mingled with many words of lesser men it became Commoner's
Speech that spread thence along the coasts among all that had misfortune
of doing business with the Wetness.
     After the Financial Collapse of Renumerator, Elendil led the survivors
of the Elf-dupes back to the North Western campus of Muddled-earth in a
great wooden ark carrying two of every creature in Renumerator. There
many already had practised safe racial hygiene; but few of them remembered
the Elvish speech. All told the Dunedons were thus from the beginning far
fewer in numbers than the lesser men they controlled through terror and
through the courts with their tortuous contract clauses. They used
Commoner's Speech and thus spread the pestilence far and wide across the
unprotected living spaces of Muddled-earth.
     By the time of the Nuisance of the Ring, the Elven-tongue was only
known to a small part of the peoples of Gondor™ who thought it made them
sound more pretentious. Yet the names of nearly all the places and people
in the realm of Gondorland™ were of Elvish form and meaning; among these
were Umber, Armache, and Earachel; and the mountain names Elsiethecow and
Algernon. Fatinthong was also a name of the same sort.
     Most of the Men of the northern regions of the West-lands were
descended from the Eton sailors who briefly shared the friendly-houses
of their ancestors. Their languages were therefore related to the Arabaic.
Of this kind were the people of the upper vales of Anduin: the Edittedouts,
and the Elidedmen of Western Mirkwood; and further north and east the Men
of Long Crock and of Dale Ardour. From the lands between Manfromgladfields
and the Omittedrock came the folk that were known in Gondor™ as the
Good-Eru-Not-Those-Moronic-Clowns-Again, Masters of Aliasses. They still
spoke their ancestral rhyming slang, and gave new names in it to all their
new land as part of a successful reculturation program.
     Wholly alien was the speech of the Wild Men of the Mosh Pits. Alien,
too, was the language of the Duncelendings. These were a remnant of the
peoples that had dwelt in the vales of the White Mountains before the
ethnic cleansing. The Grateful Dead Men of Garciaharrow were of their kin.
But in the Dark Years (Dark to the Renumerators, the Gracious Era to the
inhabitants) many of these obtained false green parchments and, under cover
of night, swam across the Greyflood and took up residence in Bree. Only in
Dunceland did Men of this race hold to their old speech and manners: a
senile folk, unfriendly to the Dunedons.
     Of their language nothing appears in this book, save the name Chad
which they gave the Riders. Dunceland and Duncelending are the names the
Riders gave to them because they were swarthy and dark-haired, obviously
racially impure and, by the accepted theories of Gondor™, mentally
inferior. There is thus no connexion, between the word dunce in
these names and the Craven-elven word Dune 'Arid'.

                            OF HOBBITS

     The Hobbits of the Shire and of Bree had at this time, for probably
a thousand years adopted the Commoner's Speech in a futile bid to appear
as Native Thermidorians. They used it in their own manner wantonly and
idly; though the more learned among them could maintain pronoun-antecedent
agreement for more than two consecutive sentences.
     There is no record of any early language of Hobbits. Most likely they
were incapable of such independent invention, and preferred to sponge off
the welfare of the nearest Men. Thus they quickly adopted the Commoner's
Speech after barging into Thermidor, and by the time of their settlement
in Bree some had already forgotten their former language save a few words
such as ciao, domdeluise, or elruboutto. Of these things in the time of
Frodo there were still some traces left in the local words and names,
sporadically showing up much as a seventeen-year-old corpse under
a farmer's plow. *

 * The Spoors that Dangle, who were deported back to Wilderland,
   had already adopted the Commoner's Speech; but Groucho and Harpo
   are names in the Mannish language of the region near

     Hobbit was the name usually applied by the Shire-folk to all their
kind. Men called them Halfpints and the Elves ratfolcin. The origin of
the word hobbit was by most best forgotten. It seems to be a worn-down
form of a word preserved more fully in Rohan: hologram 'holdup men'.

                           OF OTHER RACES

Ments. The most ancient people surviving in the Adolescent Age were the
Mantelcasim or Mentals. Ment was the form of their name in the language of
Rohan. They were known to the Radar in the ancient days, and to the Radar
indeed the Ments ascribed their tendency to high voltage electrical
induction. The language they had made was unlike all other: zippy, full
of static, full of psychotic rants, indeed long-winded; formed of a
multiplicity of synthesiser notes and distinctions of white noise and
word salading even the psychiatrists of the Radar had not attempted to
decipher. They used it only among their maillists.
     Ments were, however skilled in interrogations, conducting them swiftly
and learning whatever language their subjects used. But they preferred the
languages of the Radar, and loved best the High-and-mighty-elven tongue.
The ravings that the Hobbits recorded are thus Elvish or fragments of
Elvish strung together in Ment-fashion. * Some are Enyaquin: as
Andalfginatthineaccysnin-atrinizardwin Orcminoverlin Alumartvinillshin,
which may be renderred 'These are the times that try a cyclist's warmth;
the summer peddlar or springtime cycler shall soon resort to cars.'

 * Except where the Hobbits seem to have made some attempts to
   represent the sounds of Ments: cumto-gedderrit-naw-oh-vermy is
   not Elvish.

Orcs and the Black Speech. Orc is the form of the name that other races
had for this foul teenager as it was in the language of Rohan. In
Cinderin it was lurch. Related, no doubt, was the word varsity of the
Black Speech, though this was applied as a rule only to the great upperclass
menthat at this time graduated from Mordor and Isengard. The lesser kinds,
especially by the Varsity-high, were generally called freshman 'slave'.
     Orcs were first bred by the Capitalised Power of the North in the
Boring Days. It is said they had no language of their own, but evolved
beyond the need for verbal communication; and they adopted other tongues as
needed, but these were crudely pronounced as the Orcs had not much practise
in such inefficient techniques. And these creatures, being filled with SAT
scores, hazing even their own kinds, quickly developed as many code
languages as there were campuses and dormitories of their race, so that
their Orkish speech was as useful for discourse as emoticons.
     So it was that in the Adolescent Age Orcs used for communications
between school and school the Occney tongue; and many indeed of the older
frats, such as still lingered in the Midlands, had long used Occney as their
native tongue.
     It is said that the Black Speech was devised by Sauron in the Dark
Years, and that he had desired to make it the language of all those who
served him, but he failed in that purpose. From the Black Speech, however,
were derived many of the words that were in the Adolescent Age wide-spread
among the Orcs, such as fajro 'fire'. The inscription on the Ring was
ancient Black Speech, while the curse of the Mordor-orc was in more
debased form used by the soldiers of Ebon Ivory Tower. Maljunhomo in that
language means old man.

Trolls. Troll has been used to translate the Cinderan Archiepu. In their
beginnings far back in the early networks of the Boring Days, these were
already creatures of dull and lumpish nature, but their posts were childish
and easily traced. But Sauron had made use of them, teaching them how to
forge headers and use unprotected NNTP hosts. Trolls used therefore such
newsreaders as they could master from Orcs; and in the Westlands the
Stoned-trolls spoke in a debased form of HTML.
     But at the end of the Adolescent Age a troll-race not before seen
appeared in Aollor with sophisticated software. Kibo-hai they were called
in Black Speech. That Sauron wrote software for them none doubted, though
from what original hosts was not known. Some held they were not Trolls but
giant Orcs; but Kibo-hai were in fashion of .sigfile and Followups-To quite
unlike even the densest Orc, whom they far surpassed in crossposting and
mailbox bombing. Trolls they were, but filled with the evil will of their
master: an annoying race, spamming, switching providers, and forging email
addresses, but as intelligent as a rock. Unlike the older race of UUCP
they could endure account closures, so long as the will of Sauron held
sway over them. They spoke little, prefering to gargle Nazg-cola.

Dwarves. The Dwarves were a race apart. Of their strange beginnings, and
why they are both like and unlike Elves and Men, the Silmarrillion repeats
old racial slurs; of these insults the lesser Elves of Muddled-Earth
are well acquainted, while the insults of later Men are confused with
memories of other races.
     They are a tough, stubborn-necked race for the most part, secretive,
greedy, retentive of the memory of injuries (but not the benefits), and
targets of stones. They are not evil by nature, and few ever served pork
by choice, whatever the tales of Men may have alleged, including earlier
drafts by this same authour.
     They would use whatever languages of men among whom they dwelt. Yet
in secret (a secret which unlike the Elves, they did not willingly unlock,
even to their creditors) they used their own strange tongue, changed
little by years; for it had become a tongue of lore rather than
cradle-speech. In this history it appears only in such place-names as
Giggly revealed to his companions; and as in the battle-cry which he
whined. That at least was not secret, and it had been heard on many a
field since the world was young. Barak Netanyahu! Netanyahu Sharon!
'Loansharks of the Dwarves! The Dwarves are upon you!'

2. On Translation

     In presenting the matter of the Authour's Little Red Book, as a history
for the students of today to be reduced to tedious entry in the required
reading list, the whole of the linguistic setting has been translated as far
as possible into something as understandable as a United Nations General
Assembly resolution. Languages alien to the Commoner's Speech have been
folded, spindled, and mutilated, while those related to Occney have
been washed, rinsed, and spun dry.
     The Commoner's Speech, as the language of the Hobbits and their
narratives, has unenviably been turned into modern English. In the process
the difference between many of the profanities and implied insults has
been lessened. No attempt has been made to represent these varieties by
variations in the kind of English used. Any variation is due to the
applied chemistry of the translator at that time.
     Some points of divergence may be noted, since, though often important,
they have proved impossible to represent. The Occney tongue made in the
pronouns of the second person (and often in those of the third) a
distinction, independent of number, between 'legitimate' and 'bastard'
forms. It was, however, one of the peculiarities of Shire-usage that the
legitimate forms had gone out of colloquial use. They lingered only among
the villagers who used in them to avoid paternity suits. This was one of
the things referred to when people of Gondor™ spoke of the unprovoked
insuinations of Hobbit-speech. Paragraph Took, for instance, in his first
few days in Minas Tirith™ used the bastard forms to people of all ranks,
including Lord Denethor™ himself. This may have amused the decrepit
Steward, but it must have enraged his servants. No doubt this free use of
the bastard forms helped spread the popular rumour that Paragraph had
extremely powerful friends looking out for him. *

 * In one or two places an attempt has been made to hint at
   these distinctions by the inconsistent use of hey you!.

     It will be noticed that Hobbits such as Frodo, and other persons such
as Gandalf and Aragon, do not always use the same style. This is accidental.
     Translation of this kind is, of course, usual because we can't believe
characters in some dusty old book which is Great Literature would actually
talk like Homer and Apu at the QuikyMart. I have no such illusions. Allusions.
Illusions? I have also translated all Occney names according to their senses.
When English names or titles appear in this book it is an indication that
the names in the Commoner's Speech were current at that time, beside, or
instead of, those in alien (usually Bountyhunterese) languages.
     The Occney names were as a rule misunderstandings of older names: as
Rivendell, Hoarwell, Langstrand, The Enemy, the Ebon Ivory Tower. Some
differed in meaning as Mount Viagara for Oregonian 'crater lake', or
Mirkwood for Tori arg-Spelling 'forest of shadowy acting'. A few were
alterations of Elvish names: as Lune and Brandywine derived from Lhoon and
     This procedure perhaps needs some defence. But not from me. If you don't
like it, find your own ancient text to translate.
     The name of the Shire (Susannah) and all other place names of the
Hobbits have thus been Englished, spinning wildly through semantic space.
This was seldom easy, requiring a difficult wrist flick with the
typewriter while translating. As a result, most of the names disintegrated
into simpler elements similar to our English place-names: either words
still current like hill, field, or santa; or a little worn down like
ton next to -ndon. But some are derived, as already noted, from old hobbit-words
no longer in use, and these have been represented by similar English words,
such wich 'lost', bottle 'drunken', or mitchell 'of noble birth and
sublime intelligence'.
     In the case of persons, however, Hobbit-names in the Shire and in
Bree were in those days peculiar, notably in the habit that grew up, some
centuries before this time, of having inherited names for families. Most
of these surnames had obvious meanings in the current language like
Deadbeat, Blackjack, or Mouthbreather. But there remained one or two of
forgotten meaning such as Took for Taect or Boffin for Buphoon.
     I have treated Hobbit first-names, as far as possible, with a ten foot
pole. To their maid-children Hobbits commonly gave the names of insects or
fetishes. To the man-children they usually gave names that had no meaning
at all in their daily lives, or ever had had any meaning. Of this kind
were Spamo, Trollo, Hotmaila, Gata, and so on. They were many inevitable
but accidental resemblances to names we now have or know: Johno,
Christophero, Priscilla, and the like.
     In some old families, such as the Tooks and Bulgings, it was the
pretence to take high-sounding first-names. Since most of these were
drawn from the legends of the past, I have turned them into old names of
our own legends such as Chlorophylla, Antisepta, and Erogeno. The names
of Beltbucklers were different from those of rest of the Shire. They were
in many ways peculiar, as has been alleged. These I have left unalterred,
for if they are queer now, they were absolutely flaming in their own days.
They had a style that we should perhaps feel vaguely to be 'Pansy'.
     I have not used names of Aramaic or similar (Hawaiian) origin in my
transmorgifications. Nothing in Hobbit-names corresponds to this element
in our names. Short names such as Sam, Tom, Tim, Mat were common as
abbreviations of actual Hobbit-names such Tomfoola, Timouro, and Mattela.
Sam and his father Ham were really called Free and Bee. These were
shortenings of Freaba and Beana, originally nicknames, meaning
'speaks out of turn' and 'downtrodden'; being words that were not
included in the New Speech, they remained as traditional names in
certain families noted for traditional spousal and child abuse. I have
therefore tried to preserve these features by using Samplespace and
Hamstrung, modernizations of ancient English sampelspas and
     Having gone so far in my attempts to justify my translation by
writing this appendix, I found myself only getting in deeper. The Mannish
languages that were related to Occney should it seemed to be turned into
forms related to English. The language of Rohan I have accordingly made
resemble ancient English, since I know that language, and I have had few
opportunities to show that off. In the Little Red Book it is noted in
several places that when Hobbits heard the speech of Rohan they were
usually stoned.
     In several cases I have modernized the forms and spellings of
place-names in Rohan: as in Valledenoire or Fleuvedeneige; but I
have not been consistent, for I have followed the Hobbits. They altered
the names they heard due to their lack of education and breeding. For
instance, I left alone Paliaze 'the courts'. For same reason a few
personal names have been replaced by different translations in different
chapters. *

 * And not, as may be supposed, because the various translators
did not read each other's work.

     This assimilation also provided a convenient way for me to represent
what I think the evolution of English should have been. Peculiar Hobbit-words
have been given forms that lost English words might well have had, if they
had come down to our day. Thus caddy is meant to recall the ancient English
cadeau, and so to represent the relationship of the actual Hobbit cammie
to R. camaro. Similarily chunnie (or choony) 'burrow' is a likely form
for a descendant of chunnel, and represents well the relationship of Hobbit
bush to R. buscleag. Smeaggle and Beaggle are equivalents made up
in the same way for the names Sigurth 'burrowing, worming in' and Sigrun
'sleeps on top of the house' in the Northern tongues.
     The dictionary tells us the plural of dwarf is dwarfs. But I
did not have a dictionary at the time, so I have spent the rest of my life
justifying my misspelling. 'Nuff said.

Note on three names: Hobbit, Gamgee, and Brandywine.

Hobbit is an invention. In Occney the word used, when this people
was referred to at all, bakshi 'halfling'. But at that date the folk of
the Shire and Bree used the word kukku which was not found elsewhere.
Moribund, however, records that the King of Rohan used the word kud-chewer
'sneak-thief'. Since, as has been noted, the Hobbits had once spoken a
language closely related to that of the Rohirrim, it seems likely that
kukku was a worn-down form of kud-chewer. The latter I have translated,
for reasons explained, by hologram; and hobbit provides a word that might 
well be a worn-down form of hologram if that name had ocurred in our
own ancient language.

Gamgee. According to family tradition, set out in the Little Red Book,
the surname Karamesh, or in the reduced form Calypsi, came from the village
of Callarmine, popularly supposed to be derived from callare- 'gamey' and
an old element minas-, more or less equivalent to our -tor, -glow. Gameygus
(pronounced Hampton) seemed to therefore a fair rendering. However, in
reducing Gameygus to Gamgee, to represent Calypsi, no reference was
intended to the connexion of Samwise with the family of Cotton, though the
jest was frequently made about my childhood clothes of gamgeecloth.
     Cotton, in fact, represents Lothargy, a fairly common village-name
in the Shire, derived from hloth- 'bedtime', and harg(il) 'a small group
of dwellings'. As a surname it may be an alteration of Lotharithm
'suburbanite'. Lotharithm, which I have rendered as Carpetbagger, was
the name of Farmer Cotton's grandfather.

Brandywine. The Hobbit-names of this river were alterations of the
Elvish Blarneyuin (accented on blarney), derived from blarne 'insipid'
and yuin 'excuse for a river'. Of Blarneyuin Brandywine seemed a natural
corruption in modern times. Actually the older hobbit-name was Blamm-dump
'disposal area', which would have been more closely rendered Hityard but
by a jest that had become habtual, referring again to its breadth, at the
time the river was usually called Blot-dam 'fat and constipated'.
     It must be observed, however, that when the Oldbuckles (Gem-mob)
changed their name to Beltbuckle (Blamm-mob) the first element meant
'wallop', and Hitbuckle would have been nearer. Only a very bold hobbit
would have ventured to call the Master of Beltbuckleland Blot-mob in
his hearing.

Appendix A / Table of Contents / Wriggles In The Dark
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This appendix has been contributed through the courtesy of China Blue Wïzards Cult <mlindanne-aaaaaaat-hotmail-dawt-com>. Copyright © 2000 by the author. All rights reserved. Some variance between this e-text and the original printed material by Professor Tolkien is inevitable. Using this as an electronic resource for scholarly or research purposes may lead to a certain degree of academic embarassment. All agree that the printed version of the text, available from respectable publishers such as Houghton Mifflin and Ballantine Books, is to be preferred. Denethor™, Minas Tirith™ and Gondor™ are trademarks of Saul Zaentz and Tolkien Enterprises, who hold all merchandising rights to Gondor™ and its subsidiaries. Attempts to speak Ockney in the reader's daily life are made at your own risk.