The Lord of the... whatever:
Annals of the Kings and Tyrants
1. Mermen of Atlantis
[Note on Gondor-records: Few histories are more contro-
versial than that of Gondor, about which the most incredible
flamewars still rage. In accord, then, with President
Spiegel's desire for balance, we have included both Dr
Faramir's drafts and Sauron's sometimes rather acerbic
marginal commentary, as well as some original documents.
We hope this goes some way towards shedding light on a
dark/glorious period in our history.]
The Southern Squiggle
Heirs and Assigns of Anarchion
Kings of Gondor/Chairmen of the Board. Isildur, Anarchion abdicated
SA 3440, Insultir son of Anarchion 158, Micindur 238, Donaldil 324, Gúfion
411, Plutondil 492, Ronindocil (Carausar) 541, Torombon 667, Athanatar I 748.
Here followed the four 'Ship-kings':
Tyrannon Franconia 913. He was the first bankrupt king, and was
bought out by the son of his commercial rival, Tarcunardo. Etruria
†936, Carinthia †1015, Harmindio (Carpathia) 1149.
Gondor was now a monopoly.
Athanatar II Al-Karim "the Noble" 1226, Normal I 1294. He was the second
bankrupt king and was bought out by a branch of the family that had
invested in plastics. Caloris 1304, Minimas (President of the Corporation
1240-1304), raised to the Chair as Gaijindil 1304, died 1366, Valoris. In
his time the first disaster of Gondor began, the War Between the Fiefs.
Lavoris son of Valoris (at first called Winebibba), assassinated 1465,
Castawei (Lord Protector), 1453-1458.
Minuscul I 1540, Venereon 1621, Minuscul II 1634, Telecom †1636. Telecom and
all his subsidiaries perished in the Crash; he was succeeded by his nephew,
the son of Miniscus, son of Minuscul II. Morondor 1798, Normal II 1856,
Nixonir 1974. Nixonir and his two vice-presidents perished during the Sexual
Revolution, but records of their deaths have been mysteriously erased. The
Chair was given to the victorious general Eärwag, who is not known to be
related to the previous royal families at all. Eärwag 2043, Eïsner †2050.
Here the line of the Kings came to an end, until it was restored (very
briefly) by Ariellë Húriniel in 3019. The realm was then nominally presided
over by the Steuards.
Steuards of Gondor. The House of Urin: Palaeocon 'the Kow-Tipper'.
He was the power behind the throne in the days of Nixonir, and wrote the
official commentary on the preposterous claims of Ar-Vegetal. Mardil 'the
Voracious', the first of the Ruling Stewards. He and his successors began
to trademark their names.
Ruling Steuards. Mardil 2080, Erudit 2116, Heroin 2148, Bellicos
2204, Urin 2244, Túrin I 2278, Hattor 'the Mad' 2395, Berendan 'the
Voyager' 2412, Christian Dior 2435, Denethor I 2477, Fred 2489, Cirion
2567. In his time the Belchoth acquired Rohan for a belt of wampum.
Alas 2605, Blecchthor I 2628, Misterrodreth 2685, Martha †2701,
Englebert I †2701, Bluto †2701, Bariton †2701, Blecchthor II †2701.
Here followed the Great Massacree.
Boromir I 2882, Túrin II 2953, Englebert II 2984, Denethor II. He was
the last of the ruling Steuards and was followed by his son Boromir II
GONDOR AND THE HEIRS AND ASSIGNS OF ANARCHION
There were twenty-nine (or thirty, or thirty-one, depending on who was
counting) rulers of the Magic Kingdom of Gondor after Anarchion the
Sartorially Challenged Waterfowl, who abdicated (due to a fit of political
self-contradiction) at the time of the fall of Mordor, and was then
brutally murdered; though his legacy lives on for ever in the uniform of
the Tower of Guard. The debate about how to enumerate the Kings of Gondor
begins with Anarchion, and only gets worse thereafter. Nonetheless, all good
people accept that the line of Isildur Anarchion's sire is the only 'great
and unfailing line of truly just and noble kings who rightfully should hold
undying Godlike dominion over every little bit of Middle-earth by divine
What the historians of Gondor don't tell you is that I was
quietly minding my own business, subjecting Muddle-earth to my
absolute dominion and introducing its inhabitants to opera,
postmodern theory, and strip-tease joints, when a bunch of
appallingly tacky ships arrived carrying outlandish cartoon
characters, who proceeded to completely ruin my day. They
insisted on founding one of their pitiful mortal "kingdoms"
right within the limites naturelles of Mordor. Not content with
that, that Isildur cad stole my wogah, Miniwethil (who had been
getting rather annoying lately, nazwaz), and stained her dress.
When I caught them in flagrante, Isildur bit off my finger
(with the Ring on it), while Mini distracted me with a
provocative dance. The bounders! That's my story and I'm
stickin' to it.
(Anarchion was the son of Isildur the Embarassed and Miniwethil, who was
formerly Sauron's wogah; it is said that Sauron was a sorry loser and that
jealousy was the principal motive for his boundless hatred for Gondor, with
whom Mordor was formerly allied. Subsequently, Black Pete slew Isildur with
a killfile, whereupon Miniwethil teamed up with Aruman.)
War never ceased on the borders of Gondor, for the neighbors of Gondor
unjustly demanded territory which Gondor had rightfully taken from them,
and Gondor in return was forced to acquire their territory to obtain proper
strategic depth, and all such territory was, is, and always shall be the
inalienable possession of Gondor forever.
YR! Tell it to the Pediannath!
However, for a thousand years and more the Toonedain became rich and
powerful, until the reign of Athanatar II, who was called Al-karim, the
Noble. Yet the signs of decay had already appeared; for the plantation-
owners of the South speculated wildly in unsuitable crops like the White
Weed, and utterly failed to create an industrial infrastructure, and had
an atrocious accent besides. The first bankrupt king was Franconia, and
the second Normal I, the son of Athanatar II.
It was Insultir the second (or third) king who built Disgiliath, the City
of Tomorrow, and erected the Needle of Heaven. In his time Gondor first had
to deal with hordes of strange-eyed tourists from Out East. Micindur, the
third or fourth king, built the Magic Studio, and the Ears were revered by
Tourists from all Muddle-earth, so that Gondor became horribly crowded
during the busy season. But Carausar the eighth (or ninth) king raised rates
so high that the Tourists were driven out, and he took the name of Ronindocil
"the Gentle Maniac"; but they were only replaced by richer visitors. Torombon
his son increased tariffs yet again, and the tourist trade accordingly
dwindled in his time.
Insultir initiated the Gondorians' "glorious" tradition of
killing each other off when he drowned Anarchion in
sweet-and-sour sauce from the Easterling realm of Zing. His
architecture, moreover, was in even more horrendous taste than
El-Arazôn's. His descendants were a bunch of brigands who
vomited with their dogs while exploiting the Southrons,
gouging the Easterling Tourists, and forcing their subjects
to listen to the most appallingly sappy music.
With Tyrannon, the eleventh (or twelfth) king, began the line of Ship-kings,
who invested heavily in the cruising trade, and created shipping lines that
sailed along the brilliant white sand beaches of the Ethir and south along
the coasts toward Dumbar. To commemorate his favorable balance sheets,
Tyrannon took the crown in the name of Franconia, "Lord of Coins".
I don't know whether I was more repelled by Tyrannon's brutal
union-busting in Toreador (co-opting them is so much more
civilized), or by his patronage of the Archies.
Etruria, his nephew, who succeeded him, turned the ancient haven of Pelargir
into a bustling marina and oceanfront theme park. He also sailed to Dumbar,
and took it, and it became the site of a great casino and hotel complex of
Gondor. He it was who first harnessed the Flying Mûmaks. But Etruria did not
long survive his triumph. He captained a yacht into the harbor of Dumbar, and
following a boisterous on-deck party, fell overboard and was lost at sea.
The Kings of Gondor never forgave the Southrons this outrage.
Carinthia his son continued to expand the settlement at Dumbar; but the
Southrons of Toreador, led by the swarthy Númenórean warlord Zapâtha, came up
with great strength and Carinthia took a bullet to the head one sultry night.
For many years Gondor invested in Dumbar, but it failed to yield a profit
due to the harassment of the Zapâthim. Carpathia son of Carinthia bided his
time, and at last, when he had gathered quatloos, he hired a noble army of
mercenaries who devastated the land far and wide about, making it impossible
for the Zapâthim to support themselves within a hundred miles of Dumbar. The
Zapâthim thereupon made their submission to Gondor, and Carpathia took the
name of Harmindio, "South-trasker".
No enemy dared to contest the glorious might of Harmindio for the rest of his
long reign. He was king for one or two hundred years; unhappily the records
of this time are quite obscure, and some historians maintain that there were
two or three Harmindios, while others argue that even one is too many.
In his day, Gondor the realm extended north and west to Forohell, east to
Rhoon, and south beyond Dumbar. The Men of Smirkwood were tributary, and the
Dumbarians - except for a tiny group of malcontents - were happy, contented
peons who loved Gondor because we had done so much for them. Mordor was
desolate, but its mountain ranges provided perfect ski-slopes for Gondor's
What I heard was that there were twenty of him, each of whom
found a more imaginative way of murdering the last. Although
I had nothing to do with the Zapâthim, and certainly didn't
smuggle arms to them via Easterling intermediaries with money
seized from drug racketeers (since I was busy looking at
pornography in my winter palace in Dol Guldur), yet I couldn't
help sympathizing with them. For Gondor mistreated the flying
mûmaks of Dumbar abominably by forcing them to wear clown-makeup,
made their peons sing "I-S-I-L-D-U-R spells Isildur," and
forced their Orc-slaves to build ghastly ski-resorts in the
So ended the line of the Ship-Kings. Athanatar Al-Karim son of Harmindio
lived in great splendor, with diamond-studded jumpsuits, the finest pomade
for his pompadour and many many rings on his fingers. But Athanatar loved
hot dogs and hamburgers, and never exercised; and his sons were of like
physique. Inflation had already begun to rise in Gondor before Athanatar
died of arteriosclerosis, and its enemies noted this. Copyright infringement
was not challenged. Nonetheless, it was not until the days of Valoris that
the first great evil came upon Gondor: the Civil War (or "War of Northern
Aggression"), in which great loss and ruin was caused, and never fully
repaired, for want of competent mechanics.
Minimas son of Caloris was a man who took his vitamins, and in 1240 (or
thereabouts), Normal, to better enjoy his many wives, made him President
of the Corporation. From that time on he governed Gondor in the name of
the Chairmen of the Board until he became Chairman himself. His chief
concern was with the North Men.
These had developed industries far beyond those of Gondor, and were the
primary processors of Gondor's agricultural products, which they then sold
back to Gondor in the form of worked goods at many times their value.
Despite the riots this frequently caused in the streets, the kings favored
them, based on some ancient and questionable race-doctrine that claimed they
were more closely related to the Gondorians than other people. The Kings of
Gondor also liked to think that the North Men were a useful buffer against
the tourists from Out East.
In the days of Normal I, the Easterners began to return again, this time with
many tiny cameras and absurdly loud shirts. And President Minimas learned
that the North Men would sometimes join the Eastern tourist groups, and were
snapping their own photos of Gondor's monuments, rather than buying the
official postcards. Minimas therefore in 1248 enacted a stringent set of
border restrictions, which effectively prevented the Easterners from entering.
He then took the name of Gaijindil.
In excluding the Tourists, Gaijindil was not only
evil, but stupid, since they were Gondor's principal
source of income. With them gone, the Gondorians
were obliged to gouge each other instead, which,
along with their notorious Racism, led to their
Civil War. (Humans are always civil-warring each
other, an annoying habit that can sometimes be
useful - not that my agents provocateurs were in
any way involved.)
Gaijindil was intrigued by the industrial ways of the North, and sent his
son Valoris north to spy out the customs of their factories. But Valoris
exceeded his father's designs, marrying a girl called Jill from the wrong
side of the tracks. It was some years before he was allowed to return.
From this marriage came the War of the Northern Aggression.
'For the Gondorians had already begun to place signs in their windows
saying "No North Men Need Apply"; and it was a thing unheard of that a
Gondorian of royal blood should marry a woman of strange race and religion.
By the end of Valoris' term, the men of the Southern provinces had already
begun to secede, realizing that if a strange half-Northerner were to take
the throne, he might deprive them of their valuable peons, whom, of course,
they treated better than their own children.
'Following a long war, Valoris' son Lavoris at first defeated the Southerners
through treachery and the use of vast numbers of industrialized North Men.
But a noble Southerner began the fine tradition of tyrant-assassination, so
frequent in the later annals of Gondor, by sending Lavoris on his journey
into the next life a little early, which was no better than the degenerate
little Northy-lover deserved.'
Minuscul I, son of Lavoris, made peace with the Southerners and allowed them
to keep their peons and the havens of Dumbar with their lucrative casino
revenues. They erected on the shores of Tampalas a noble stadium, and there
were mighty bowl games betwixt the Tampalas Bay Corsairs and the Minas
I heard that Minuscul was none other than Br'er Fox,
the Southerner who first murdered Lavoris in a
peculiarly imaginative way by tossing him into a
briar patch, and then had the effrontery to claim to
be his son. He may well have been the worst king
Gondor ever had, for he originated the appalling
institution of palantirvision sports broadcasts, with
their imbecilic beer-commercials.
The second evil came upon Gondor in the reign of Telecom, son of Minuscul II,
the twenty-fourth, twenty-fifth, or twenty-sixth king. In his time the stock
market of Gondor reached unprecedented heights on a wave of speculation;
and on Friday, the first of April, 1636, the bubble burst and the market
plunged. Telecom in his despair leapt from the Needle of Heaven; and
Morondor, his nephew, was forced to flee his creditors to the mountain
fastness of Minas Tirith. From thence he bombarded Disgiliath, and the city
has been in ruins ever since, to remind creditors of that noble truth, "The
King cannot be required to pay his Debts".
This evil could have been avoided, had Gondor had naz
decent economists instead of the usual acolytes of
The third evil was the Sexual Revolution, which sapped the waning strength
of Gondor by causing them to expend their energies in orgies that seemed
to last a hundred years. It was brought on by loose-living folk, known as
Bîtnikim, or Hippîm, who preached about love and peace and the escape from
the rat race of an eternal quest for money. These troublemakers flourished
at the University of Dagorlad, an allegedly international institution
founded by Orcs who, it seems, acted at the behest of Sauron. The Hippîm
were, as was later proven, actually stirred up by the Winoriders of the
East*; and for many years the people of Gondor were deluded by their
talk of a happy, simple life, as Sauron's paramour worked them up to a
frenzy with her screeching at the newly built band shell of Caer Andrews.
Mordor, no doubt, smiled as investment in Gondor's industries declined
and the Gondorians abandoned expensive athletic shoes for sandals, and
tight-fitting suits for peasant blouses, and permed hair for the long
natural look, and started to let it all hang loose, maaaaaaan.
* They were the first to introduce the hoeg or harli, two-wheeled
monstrosities that were doubtless bred in Mordor, perhaps in Udûn;
for the Winoriders frequently went by the name of Belain-Udûn.
'But at a time when the Hippîm and Winoriders were all gathered for a "Summer
of Love" at the campus of Dagorlad, Eärwag the Philosopher, Governor of
Ethelien, sent down the Gondorian National Guard and, storming the campus,
purged the Kingdom of that disaffected element for many a year.* When King
Nixonir died soon after of a surfeit of tapes, the Council named Eärwag King
in recognition of his services in preserving the Gondorian Way Of Life® at
the Battle of the Campus. Ar-Vegetal, the degenerate "king" of the
semi-fictitious northern realm of Arthurdame (which one historian has
accurately summed up as consisting of "a round table and a heraldic scroll")
disputed the right to the throne with Eärwag, but as anyone with half a
brain could see that Ar-Vegetal didn't have the germ of a case, Eärwag
became King by popular acclaim.'
* They were not in fact destroyed, but nevertheless remained
underground until the Steuardship of Fred.
During my absence in Dol Guldur, my enlightened
philosophy inspired the Orcs, Trolls, Rogs, Roaches,
Sopranos, etc. to ever more glorious cultural
achievements. Alas, they were rudderless without my
guiding hand (which was busy with Jadis Joplin - my
wogah and not my paramour, if you please - and the Dol
Guldur Experimental Opera - especially the Women's
Chorus), and drug-dealers from the west had already
begun to infiltrate the borders of Mordor. A brilliant,
though somewhat depraved, Orc-theorist affirmed the
Transcendence of Wogah over War, and his teachings
spread like rog-fire among the Orcs and others,
including even the Gondorians, and thus gave rise to
the Hippîm movement. But Eärwag, the so-called
philosopher (who had gotten about as far as Voltaire),
first corrupted them with drugs, and then brutally mowed
them down with radioactive pixie-dust.
In the day of Eïsner son of Eärwag, the Nazdaq of Mordor acquired Minas
Ethel, the Tower of the Moonies, from Gondor by direst treachery. For the
Leech-King, a notable tenor of Swarthy Númenórean blood, played upon Eïsner's
passion for gambling, and in an exceptionally long late-night session won
Minas Ethel. (It is a testimony to the Good Steuard Mardil's patience that
he did not seem the least upset by this outrage; if anything, he appeared
quite pleased.) "Eïsner held two Aces and a Jack, and the Leech-king held a
repeating crossbow with barbed and poisoned quarrels and a battleaxe," as the
histories tell us.* On his return, [it is said,] Mardil sent Eïsner, rather
the worse for wear, Out East for mystic healing, whence the story-tellers say
he will return one day to reclaim his Crown. [But other loremasters maintain
that Eïsner was cryogenically frozen under Minas Epcot, where Shelob
allegedly cooked and ate him during the Bad, or Nasty Winter.]
Well, it is hardly the Leech's fault that Eïsner was an
appalling gambling addict (he would have won earlier if
not for the fact that Eïsner was an equally appalling
cheat). It was perfectly fair for the Leech-king to use
a battle-axe and crossbows, given that Gondor had much
more deadly weapons at its disposal, such as "shooting
the moon." Besides, I bet what really happened was that
the Leech started singing, and Eïsner ran away covering
his ears. (I have to admit that the, er, aid I sent
Mardil was worth it. He had indeed learned his lessons
at Dagorlad quite well, for a Gondorian.) As for the
canard about Shelob, it is a bald-faced lie! Shelob
had better taste than to eat frozen food.
The House of the Steuards was called the House of Urin, but the Steuards
early abandoned it for more pleasant-smelling dwellings. They were the
descendents of Steuard, the butler of King Minuscul II. From him they took
the name of "Steuard", but since few folk could spell it correctly, they were
also known as Stewards, Stewarts, Steuarts, Stuarts and even Stews, and the
correct ancient spelling was known only to a few. After his day, the Kings
grew lazy and incompetent, and allowed the Steuards to take control of the
administration of the Magic Kingdom; and as this was an age of extensive
nepotism, it just so happened that all the Steuards were chosen from the same
Each new Steuard indeed took office with the oath "to balance the account
books until King Eïsner returns from China," but it was soon understood that
the latter clause had the same meaning as "never". Yet those in Gondor who
still read the low-grade, puerile romances frequently available in paperback,
liked to think that the King would eventually return; and some, who were
called Tories, or Vegetarians, remembered the ancient line of "Kings over
the Barrel" in the barbarous realm of Arnor. But the Ruling Steuards justly
had such people flogged and pilloried.
Mardil the Voracious was the first to trademark the most prominent names in
Gondor, to protect them against infringement by competitors. In one of his
less wise moves, he founded the first universities; some say he got this idea
by hanging out with the Leech-king a bit more than was good for him, but this
is a scurrilous lie. After Mardil, the first of the line, came one thousand
and seventy-three Ruling Steuards of Gondor, until the days of Denethor II,
the 1,075th and last.*
* Questions about the mathematics involved here will not be
During the days of the Peaceful Watch they had quiet, for a strict regime of
censorship kept bad news from reaching their ears, and high tariffs kept out
foreign imports. But from the time of Denethor I the black market
flourished, and even when Gondor was at war foreign customs still had a
baleful influence upon the Gondorian Way of Life®. Túrin I was the first
Steuard whose daughter was a spinster; he was succeeded by his natural son
Hattor, who sniffed glue. Hattor's successor Berendan 'the Voyager' went on
a commercial trip to sell insurance in Valinor, and never returned. At this
time, there were dealings between Gondor and Mordor; but there was never
The early Steuards weren't all that bad, I guess,
although true amity was impossible, since they had
appalling musical tastes (some harridan named Madarna,
IIRC), and their language is displeasing to my finely
attuned ear and has a horrendous orthography. And their
color schemes were completely off.
In the last years of Denethor I, the race of uruks - huge prefect-orcs with
bad accents and worse manners - first appeared out of Mordor, and in 2475
they swept across Ethelien and began to set up private schools in
Disgiliath. In their train came nightclubs, gambling houses, and other dens
of vice in which the Spider-women of the Ethel Duwap fleeced their miserable
Denethor I was an appalling bully who got his jollies
by spanking innocent Orclings with rulers. Sicko. As
for vice, several prominent Men of Gondor used to
frequent these establishments, which they hypocritically
forbade their own subjects. Worse yet, Gondor's MEIA
had already begun the abominable practice of drug-running,
although at this stage they didn't have much success,
because the Nazdaq still actually earned their keep. But
Ethelien was already known as the "garden" of Gondor.
Fred, son of Denethor raised an army of Headmasters armed with switches and
rulers, and so cleared Ethelien of the uruks; but Disgiliath was ruined and
its trademark lost, and it remained a tax-free haven where every kind of vice
flourished for the remainder of the Age. No Gondorians could afford to live
their afterwards. It was during this period that the Hippîm arose again, and
were not fully dislodged from Gondor's universities until the time of Cirion.
Fred was an easygoing kind of guy, with a nice sweater, and even the Leech-
king got along with him. Indeed, the two frequently worked on crossword
puzzles together; it was on one such occasion that they hammered out the
Disgiliath Accords, which stipulated that the Mordorians had to stand on one
side of the wall and sing opera, while the Gondorians threw Kows and epithets
at them. He was wise and valiant, but he liked to be loved by all other
people, and he received a cutting insult in the war with the uruks that
rankled for the rest of his days.
Fred was OK, although he had an annoying habit, at
diplomatic meetings, of playing a guitar and singing
country and western. I almost couldn't keep from
laughing when Cholmondely Blargh called him a looby,
but I made an attempt to mollify him by singing the
After him began the days of Cirion of the Long Ruler. He was watchful and
beady-eyed, but his arms were short, and he could do little more than enact
protectionist statutes, while his enemies deluged Gondor with goods that
could not be kept out. The Corsairs had a 67-11 record over the Kings in
the reign of Cirion, but it was in the north that his chief peril lay. In
the wild lands of Rhomeonion, between Smirkwood and Rhoon, a highly
sexualized people dwelt, under the influence of a shadowy Vicelord who
called himself Don Gulduro. Often they peddled their pornography and sexual
aids through the forest, until the tourist attractions of Gondor were
deserted, and there was a giant sucking sound as of all the quatloos in
Gondor being vacuumed up the Anduin.
The Belchoth (for so this people was called) were continually added to by
even hotter peoples from Out East, whereas the people of Rohan were badly
dressed, had big hair, too much makeup, and mostly lived in trailer parks.
Cirion was hard put to it to keep the evil influences of the Belchoth from
crossing the Anduin.
'Foreseeing the storm, Cirion sent away for a few hundred more snow-plows,
but over-late; for that winter, the Belchoth crossed the frozen Anduin and
began to pervert the people: their men came over and wooed our womenfolk,
while their women tried to rape our men.* At the same time, a new menace
emerged from the secret headquarters of Don Gulduro: the Snûpîm, plastic
beagles covered with black spots and the mysterious words "Get Mordor: It
Pays!" These circulated throughout Minas Tirith, even turning up on
vice-presidential desks, until corporate morale was at an all-time low. So
it was that Cirion was forced to cede the province of Rohan to Yorl the Kid,
the thirteen-year-old leader of the Belchoth, in return for his promising to
pay off the Gondorian national debt.' The Belchoth now called themselves
Rohirrim, and the former inhabitants of Rohan were forced to flee into
Dunland. Rohan came to be generally known as Edoras.
The Belchoth were incredibly annoying, and I was glad
to get rid of them; and frankly, Cirion deserved
them, the semi-literate self-important little twit.
Almost as snobby as an Elf, and had shockingly bad
taste in poetry ("anything's a poym/as long as it
rhoym"). What a hypocrite, banning pornography (or
erotica, as I prefer to call it), while pushing drugs.
Couldn't help putting him down a peg with the invasion
of the Sunûp-hai, the invention of Charlz Lurtz: a
brilliantly subversive send-up of Gondorian
In the days of Martha, the sixteenth Steuard, an even greater evil fell upon
Gondor. Mardil the Good had decreed that each Steuard should be succeeded
by the husband of his eldest daughter; but Martha was unmarried when her
father Misterrodreth died, and she refused to consider any suitors. She
created a vast shopping empire based on home appliances and cooking ware
and helpful household tips. It was Martha who replaced the ancient, dour,
and devalued quatloo with the happy, smiling flokarino, "the people's coin".
But her irritating pretensions to omnicompetence, her use of expensive
ingredients unavailable to the ordinary consumer, and her generally inflated
prices led to a wave of discontent. At last, following the revelation of an
insider trading scandal, Martha was stabbed in the back by a six-inch long
Wusthof-Trident® of Gondor "Classic" Sandwich Knife (Price: F70.00) while
cooking Brytta-Léofa's Currant Cumin Potato Cakes (Makes 18 Cakes!) live on
I wogahed her once, an interesting experience that I
was not tempted to repeat. Wogah aside, however, she
was quite possibly the most annoying of the Steuards.
This led to a wave of anarchy. Martha was succeeded by Englebert I, Bluto,
Bariton (also called Bing Krozbi; he was murdered during a singing
competition with Sauron, who cunningly pretended to be shocked), and
Blecchthor II each of whom were assassinated in quick succession. The Board
of Directors thus hesitated before naming a new Steuard. No claimant to the
Chair could be found who was of pure finances, or whose claim all would
allow. The Atlantean Mugwump Ar-Assol, soi-disant heir of the "kings" of
Arthurdame, raised of course the usual genealogical claim, but it was
routinely rejected. It was finally decided that the right to rule Gondor
inhered in all the descendants of Mardil, and that therefore each of them
was to be known as "Steuard of Gondor", while the actual administration would
remain with the Council.
I was not pretending; I really was taken aback. At
first, I thought they'd killed Bariton because it
was blindingly obvious that I had won, but then I
realized that it was just another stupid Gondorian
power struggle. The advantage of only having one ruler
for several millennia, as we did in Mordor, is that
one can avoid that sort of thing.
The Great Massacree followed. Within the month 1,051 members of the family,
including children, had brutally murdered each other. At this time there
appeared in Gondor a wise, kindly old recovering alcoholic named Aruman.
The Council welcomed him, and gave him the choice of the next Steuard; and
with his calm, persuasive words and good advice he brought an end to the
carnage. He chose a youth named Jimmy, who was raised to the Chair as
Boromir I, 1,072nd Steuard of Gondor. As a reward, Aruman was given the
tower of Eyesore at Isengard to dwell in. It had long been ruinous, but
Aruman cheerfully accepted it as a "fixer-upper" and turned it into an
experimental "public" school for Orcs. Boromir it was who had the Treehouse
of the Courtyard built, but after he turned nineteen he went no more to it,
and it was abandoned; but it was left standing "until Eïsner gets back from
Couldn't help finding the Massacree mildly amusing,
even if it was also a tragic demonstration of the
Gondorians' incapacity for self-government. As for
Aruman, he was mostly all right, but rather irritating
and ungrateful, and gave the Orc-prefects too much
In the days of Túrin II Gondor was threatened again, for Sauron was
becoming aroused. The people of Gondor could no longer afford to shop in
the malls of Disgiliath and removed west over Anduin; for the uruks were
once again abroad, and would kidnap children and force them to play rugby.
Túrin was a lover of experimental art; and he had filled Ethelien with
valuable exhibit pieces, cunningly hidden under hills or inside trees or
behind waterfalls. To these at times would the Rangers of Gondor come and
gaze at them in nostalgic admiration, though they did not understand them.
It was also Túrin who ripped down the ancient bandshell at Caer Andrews,
for he frowned on any but classical music. But his chief peril came from
the South, from Rîô and Toreador, where the peons had revolted and claimed
the land beyond Los Porros for themselves. When they entered Ethelien and
began to plant the White Weed, King Folcwine of Edoras equalled the Bid of
Yorl by obtaining a great price from Gondor in return for his mercenary
army. The Rohirrim massacreed the Peons at Los Porros; but the sons of
Folcwine, Folcsong and Folclor, never returned. Malicious gossips claimed
that they had run away in order to enjoy the freedoms of the Southlands;
but in Edoras it is said that they died a noble and heroic death, and their
spirits still haunt Los Porros.
I fail to see how my being aroused threatened anything
other than Shelob's somewhat dubious virginity. As for
the uruks, they were just trying to be friendly, but
the Gondorians were an appallingly stand-offish
bunch. I had to punish one or two of the Orcs by
putting them on shoe-shining duty, though. I have to
admit that Túrin had decent tastes by Gondorian
standards, and even considered erecting an opera house;
but the Council overruled him. Unfortunately, our shared
tastes weren't limited to art and music, but extended
to women, so things started getting pretty nasty towards
the end; after that, our relations with Gondor went
downhill. (BTW, it's true that Folk-whatever and Folk-
whozit's spirits remained in Los Porros, and indeed a
famous local aguardiente is named for them.)
'Englebert II, nephew of Túrin, was a hopeless judge of men. He allowed
into his army all sorts of people, regardless of race, colour, or creed. He
even allowed a stranger from the distant Northlands (badly disguised as a
renegade Southron) to take command of Gondor's army. He gave his name as
Ara-uh-Thorgil, but in Gondor he was known as Araphatz, for he was a man of
'It soon proved that Ara-uh-Thorgil's judgment was as poor as Englebert's,
for without provocation he led an expedition to Dumbar and burned the
fishing-boats and pleasure-craft at the marina. Englebert had to explain
to the nation that such a preemptive strike against Dumbar was necessary,
for Dumbar was attempting to build Weapons of Mass Corruption which could be
air-delivered by Flying Mûmakil. Following a screaming match with Englebert's
son Denethor, Ara-uh-Thorgil left in a huff. His parting words were
mysterious: "Just wait 'til I'm King!"' For that reason some credulous dupes
thought that perhaps he was King Eïsner returned.
The Gondorians thought that they could get away with
unprovoked aggression in my absence. Forgotten the Nazdaq?
No wonder the historians say "men slept." Perhaps the
real reason for Gondor's decline was that they didn't
'Denethor was a jolly man, stouter and more pleasant-natured than any
Steuard of Gondor before him; and he was cunning with figures, and a master
of many sciences, and he liked to dress up like Elendil. Indeed he was as
unlike Ara-uh-Thorgil as it was possible to be, save for a similar stoutness
about the tum; but only idiots esteemed Ara-uh-Thorgil to be half the man
Denethor was. But though their counsels were ever at variance, it was thought
that the cause of Ara-uh-Thorgil's departure was not what he liked to call
"singeing the King of Dumbar's beard", but rather the matter of Gandalf the
Grey. Ever Denethor warned his father not to put his trust in Ara-uh-
Thorgil's mentor Gandalf, but rather to welcome Aruman of Isengard.
Englebert however accepted Gandalf in the office of Court Fool, which
allowed him near access to the Chair.
During the Steuardships of Englebert II and Denethor
II, my war with Gondor went quite well until the end,
partly because Englebert was an appalling incompetent,
and partly acos I'm immortal and the Gondorians ain't.
The genocidal double-crosser Gandalf changed all that.
'When Denethor became Steuard, he undertook to reorder both his household
and finances. Gandalf was soon removed from his position as Court Fool, and
departed with words of ill prophecy, and many were glad to see him leave.'
After he returned and burned several of Gondor's historical records, he was
even less welcome.
'Denethor had two sons by his first wife Clarabella. The first was Boromir,
in whom the blood of the Toonedain ran true, or nearly so; the second, Dr
Faramir, who became a celebrated scientist in his day and had a great many
graduate students working for him.' Some malicious gossipers maintained that
Dr Faramir was actually Gandalf's son and not Denethor's; this is a calumny,
and any resemblance between Gandalf and Dr Faramir is purely a coincidence.
(Some say Dr Faramir was later killed; others say his death was faked;
still others say he's alive and well and is writing a commentary on Sauron's
Ode to Meta-being.)
YR! And I notice that you omit any reference to Dr
Faramir's drug-running activities in cahoots with Tom
Bombadildo's narcoterrorists. As I remarked at the time,
"my heart bleeds to see the perversion of so much
potential by Gondor's predatory educational finance
system and by racist anti-Orc indoctrination." *
* Sauron's Diary, March 11, lines 1-2.
'After the death of Clarabella, Denethor married Lossiel of the High-
Pitched Syrupy Voice; he and his wife took into their care Ariellë, a child
brought to them at the dead of night by a fisherman who claimed to have
"found her by the seaside". They raised her as their own child, and she grew
to be a young woman of many accomplishments and stunning beauty. It may have
been the Leech-king's unsuccessful attempts to woo Ariellë that led to
increased hostilities, wherein Mordor unleashed its deadly tango hordes,
and Gondor was afflicted by the Embarassment of Prince Armadillo.
Deadly? Hardly! In fact, I heard they were rather fun.
Besides, you don't hear me whining about Gondorian
Toons singing "Whistle while you slay," do you? BTW,
the rejection of Ariellë's peace conference wasn't my
idea, but Deeanna Troll's; it seems she wanted to
become an evil empire or something (she even started
wearing a Darth Vader mask). Been there, done that,
all I got out of it was a lousy T-shirt.
'But of all that befell these three in the War of the Ring much is said
elsewhere. And after the War the days of the Ruling Stewards came to an end
(despite the followers of Bonny Prince Borrie), for dusty and doubtless
forged genealogies were shaken off, and the kingship was renewed, and the
Banner of the Ears flew once more from the Tower of Commerce (that is, until
some disreputable rabble-rousing Orc-lovers established a so-called Republic
of Morondor, with some nobody named Spiegel as "President").' In later
years, Aragon had a decentish career as a rogaine salesman-cum-opposition
The Northern Flatline:
Heirs of Elendil, Real and Feigned
2. The House of Yorl
3. The Dwarks
awaiting even more completion
This appendix has been made possible by the work of many.
Part 1: Heirs and Assigns of Anarchion was contributed through the courtesy of
David Salo <dsalo-aaaaaaat-usa-dawt-net> and Count Menelvagor <Menelvagor-aaaaaaat-mailandnews-dawt-com>.
Copyright © 2003 by the authors. All rights reserved. Some variance between this
e-text and the original printed material by Professor Tolkien is inevitable. Using this
as an electronic resource for scholarly or research purposes may lead to a certain
degree of academic embarassment. All agree that the printed version of the text,
available from respectable publishers such as Houghton Mifflin and Ballantine Books,
is to be preferred.
Boromir, Denethor, Minas Tirith and Gondor are trademarks of Saul Zaentz and Tolkien Enterprises, who hold all merchandising rights to Gondor and its subsidiaries.
Any factual errors or erroneous details in this Appendix should be referred to Smeed
Radbeghast <stabby-aaaaaaat-forksforindustry-dawt-net> for correction.