A Comment On Wesley Crusher

Posted to the newsgroup alt.ensign.wesley.die.die.die, under the title Episode #108, Act Four (proposed), on 31 October 1994.

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

PICARD and RIKER are seated as WESLEY ENTERS. Picard doesn't offer
him a seat.

               PICARD
     Mister Crusher.

               WESLEY
     Sir?

               PICARD
     Mister Crusher, I understand the warp-core
     accident we had today was caused by you.

               WESLEY
          (tired and insignificant)
     Yes, sir.

               PICARD
     The warp-core accident which killed three
     hundred people.

               WESLEY
     Yes, sir.

               PICARD
     It also left us without a starboard nacelle.
     The ship can only use warp speed now when we
     go to the left. Mr. Data is still trying to
     figure out how to plot a course back to the
     nearest Starbase which only utilizes a long
     series of really tight circles. Geordi would
     probably be very helpful right now, but
     unfortunately NOW he is not only blind, but
     he cannot HEAR anything EITHER.
          (pause)
     What do you have to say for yourself?

A pause. Wesley straightens. We see him building up a good
whine.

               WESLEY
     Captain, I feel my experiment was valid.
     Starfleet sent us out here to explore the un-
     known. I was trying to push forward the bounds of
     human knowledge, sir. I think that's worth a few
     risks.

               PICARD
     "Human knowledge"!
          (anger building)
     Geordi's last report says you were trying to
     get the Enterprise to appear in two places at
     once. He also reports that your primary moti-
     vation for this was to have a three-way with
     two Ensign Lefflers.

               WESLEY
     Well, that's pushing the boundaries of human
     knowledge, isn't it-

               PICARD
          (suddenly rising)
     Mister Crusher, you've ruined my ship, killed a
     quarter of my crew and left us here to drift.
     What the HELL do you have to say for yourself?

               WESLEY
          (throwing the dreaded
          Weasel-Tantrum)
     I did what I thought was right! I'M not wrong!
     YOU are! ALL of you! YOU'RE the ones all bent
     out of shape because I hurt your starship a
     little! But I'M A GENIUS! I'M A BOY PRODIGY!
     I don't have to obey your snivelling little rules
     because I'M THE MOZART OF WARP-SPEED!!! And GENE
     LIKES ME, DAMMIT, SO I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU!
     I'll get my OWN show! Yeah! THAT'S it! "STAR TREK:
     THE WEASEL HOUR!" And I'll be on posters and T-shirts
     and everything! And I'll have NEAT guest-stars, too!
     Flip Wilson! Paul Lynde! Carol Burnett! That guy who
     spins plates in the air on top of sticks! Oh, I'LL
     pull in the ratings, and I'LL still be on the air
     long after your residuals from syndication run out-

Riker punches Wesley in the jaw as hard as he can, slowing
his diatribe to a quiet whimpering snivel.

               PICARD
     Thank you, Number One.
          (to Wesley)
     Mister Crusher, do you know what I'm going to do
     with you?

Long pause. Picard stands, walks to the windows and looks
out thoughtfully.

               PICARD
     We're having a hard time scraping up enough raw
     material to patch the Engineering hull. But by
     feeding you into the molecular reprocessors,
     perhaps you can be of some help.
          (smiles)
     You know what, Mister Crusher? I think you'll make
     a splendid bulkhead. And it'll be a good career
     move for you, too - in your own way, you'll be on
     the Enterprise forever.
          (nods to Riker)
     Proceed, Number One.

              RIKER
     With pleasure, Captain.

Riker seizes Wesley by the throat and carries him out.

               WESLEY
     Ukh... waiitk, ukh, hey, uhhkk...

Picard turns to the window, smiles.

               PICARD
     I haven't felt this good in years.


INT. SICKBAY

DR. CRUSHER is attaching big silver hearing implants to
GEORDI'S ears.

               CRUSHER
     There. Now how's that feel?

               GEORDI
     WHAT?

               CRUSHER
     I SAID, HOW'S THAT FEEL!

               GEORDI
     WHAT???