(Photo of Her Majesty's Starship
 Enterprise, HMS-1701-A. Mooring ropes can just be seen.)

Star Trek 6¼: The Rantings Of Klingons


It started simply enough. I had written some macros for Word Perfect to format screenplays, and I wanted to give them a try. So I typed in a few scenes, found a couple of adjustments to be made, made them, tested it again... and kept on typing. And the result, still unfinished, lies before you now.

Make of it what you will.


37   INT. THE BRIDGE (CONTINUED)                            37

     Kirk and Spock are still yelling.
     
                        SPOCK
                    (uncharacteristically)
               I didn't mean to step on your
               foot, goddammit! It was just
               sitting out in the middle of
               the fucking aisle!
               
                        KIRK
                   (even more apopleptic)
               Dammit, you fucking green-
               headed slime, if you can't
               watch the Captain's feet then
               you're no fucking good as a
               first officer!
               
                        SPOCK
                   (posing)
               But I'm a lot prettier.
               
     Kirk looks, thinks, nods.
               
                        KIRK
               Right again, Spock. Damn your
               eyes, you're right again.
               
     A long moment. Spock files his fingernails, very
     methodically. Kirk looks into space, hums a
     little tune. I seem to have forgotten a
     necessary margin somewhere. Dammit, this simply
     will not do. Not at all. Not even slightly.
     
                        KIRK
               But at least the dialogue is
               remaining reasonably well
               confined.
               
38   AND THE SCENE NUMBER IS SELF-CORRECTING ANYWAY         38

     So we only have to correct this little faux pas
     with the stage directions.
     
                        MCCOY
               Is this my nostril?
               
     A new stage-direction macro ought to do the
     trick. Let's just keep typing. Yes: assume the
     right margin falls at 80, or 8" as this machine
     keeps trying to say, and it does a lot better.
     
                        MCCOY
               What the hell did I DO to
               deserve this kind of treatment?
               Great. THEY get 35 picas for
               their dialogue. I only get the
               usual 30! Those goddamned pinko
               commies! I'll rip them limb
               from limb for this horrid
               offense.
               
     He grabs a medium-sized phaser rifle and begins
     striding down the corridor.
     
39   THE AUSTRO-HUNGARIAN FIGHTING MATCH                    39

     Two KLINGONS are sitting down in the bleachers
     with their corn-dogs and Cokes. Their names are
     KAALETH and ZYSTRA. Zystra is picking his teeth.
     
                        KAALETH
               How the hell did you get a name
               like Zystra?
               
                        ZYSTRA
                   (finishing his bicuspids)
               I just wanted to get as far
               away from you as I could if we
               ever line up in alphabetical
               order.
               
     Pause. A CHEER goes up from the match. They
     resume their eating. Zystra is careful not to
     dirty his molars.
     
     After a moment, Kirk and Spock muscle their way
     past them.
     
                        KIRK
               'Scuse me... 'scuse me,
               gentlemen... Hey, some match,
               eh, Spock? Those Klingon
               bastards are losing this year.
               
                        SPOCK
               And it wouldn't have been
               possible without you, Captain.
               
     Kaaleth and Zystra look up...
     
                        KAALETH
               Heeeey... aren't you that
               swine-like pig, Jim Kirk?
               
                        KIRK
               That I am. Have we met before?
               
                        KAALETH
                   (deeply annoyed)
               The same Jim Kirk who was
               responsible for torpedoing our
               lifeboats outside Draleth IV?
               
                        SPOCK
               Captain, perhaps it's best if
               you don't answ-
               
                        KIRK
               Oh, you know my work, then?
               Yeah, it was messy, what with
               all the mutineers we had to
               kill, our own decks are still
               red with blood, but-
               
                        KAALETH
               You son-of-a-BITCH! I'LL KILL
               YOU FOR THIS!!--
               
     Kaaleth moves to attack, but is violently thrown
     to the floor by Zystra, who steps repeatedly on
     his neck in an effort to break Kaaleth's spine.
     
                        ZYSTRA
               Don't mind him, Captain. He
               always has a few too many beers
               at these matches.
               
                        KIRK
               I understand completely.
               Spock's the same way.
               
40   INT. ENTERPRISE CORRIDOR                               40

     McCoy striding down the corridor, still toting
     the phaser rifle and a fifth of Antarean brandy.
     
                        MCCOY
               ...modify my dialogue when they
               get to have these fifteen-page
               harangues... get their pictures
               on breakfast-cereal boxes and I
               don't... always "Kirk and
               Spock", but nobody ever
               remembers poor old McCoy, no,
               sir... all those "I'm-a-doctor,
               not-a-whatever" jokes...
               
     He turns into the transporter room...
     
41   THE AUSTRO-HUNGARIAN FIGHTING MATCH - THE FIELD        41

     The game is growing more intense. Some of the
     Klingons have drawn ba'akleths and are
     disembowling members of the Austrian team. One
     of the Klingons head-butts the ball into the
     net. They cheer and hug each other. Some of the
     Austrians crawl off the field bleeding.
     
42   THE BLEACHERS                                          42

     Kaaleth and Zystra hoot and yell. Kirk and Spock
     look sullen.
     
                        KIRK
               Man, that one hurt.
               
                        SPOCK
                   (fingering scorecard)
               Indeed, Captain. Forty-seven
               point three percent of the
               Austrian team have been maimed
               or are otherwise unable to
               play.
               
                        KIRK
               Damn it.
                   (a beat; Kaaleth elbows
                   him cheerfully)
               Well, I guess there's no
               choice, Spock. We'll just have
               to go down there and suit up.
               
                        SPOCK
               What, us?
                   (Kirk nods)
               Play? In the big game? That's
               hardly sportsmanlike, Captain.
               
                        KIRK
               True, Spock. But the Earth is
               at stake here! Do you want us
               to lose the trophy again? I
               mean, last year the Ferengi
               laughed us out of their trade
               negotiations. And the year
               before that...
               
                        SPOCK
               I understand, sir. Let's go.
               
     They rise to leave, when a phaser rifle points
     onscreen, rather unsteadily...
     
                        KIRK
               McCoy-! I thought I told you to
               stay in rehab...
               
                        MCCOY
                   (dressed like Rambo and
                   laughing incoherantly)
               That's what you thought,
               Captain! That's what you
               thought! But I've given them
               all Thorazine! The ship is MINE
               now! Ya ha ha ha! The
               Enterprise - the greatest
               merchandizing space vehicle in
               HISTORY! I'll have it ALL! T-
               shirts with MY picture on them!
               Doctor MCCOY mugs! My OWN first
               officer! I'LL get all the good
               dialogue! I'LL get all the
               alien babes! No more sucking up
               to Ad-murr-ul Kirk;
               no more arguing with the green-
               blooded freak! I'LL go where no
               man has gone before: the
               Admiral McCoy Show! With lots
               of guest stars and musical
               numbers and trained-animal
               acts-
               
                        SPOCK
               Will you excuse us, Doctor,
               we're trying to save the
               planet-
               
     McCoy leans forward with a syringe full of
     doggie phenobarbitol, but Spock gives him the
     Vulcan nerve-pinch whilst Kirk hits him in the
     face repeatedly.
     
                        KIRK
               Well, matters seem to be
               improving. I think the margins
               with the "Wide", "Scene" and
               "Dialogue" macros you've
               developed for WordPerfect seem
               to be doing the job, Spock
               old boy.
               
                        SPOCK
                   (nursing the spots
                   where Kirk has
                   repeatedly punched him)
               Perhaps. However, the tab-stops
               now seem to be horrendously and
               irrevocably screwed up.
               
     Brief pause while all three of the principal
     macros have tab-stop commands written in with
     great haste. Kirk and Spock stand around looking
     rather bored.
     
                        KIRK
               Well, that decimal-tab over
               right still looks kind of
               weird.
               
                        MCCOY
                   (groggily)
               Well, stop looking at it,
               imbecile!...
               
     McCoy halfheartedly signals a nearby waiter for
     a drink and then falls to the floor.
     
                        KIRK
               ...Well, that's that. Let's
               suit up.
               
43   INT. LOCKER ROOM                                       43

     KNUTE ROCKNZBLYA is giving his PLAYERS a pep-
     talk whilst they lie about making halfhearted
     attempts to bandage each other whilst bleeding
     profusely. After a moment, Kirk and Spock ENTER.
     
                        ROCKNZBLYA
               -you gotta get 'em! You gotta
               get 'em where it hurts! And
               once you go and get 'em, you
               gotta get 'em again till you
               got all you can get-
               
     Kirk hits Rocknzblya over the head with a medium-
     weight chair. He then approaches one of the less-
     injured players and hands him a hand phaser.
     
                        KIRK
               Now you just take this with
               you, son, and do exactly what I
               say.
               
44   THE BLEACHERS                                          44

     Kirk and Spock slide gracelessly in front of
     Kaaleth and Zystra and return to their seats.
     
                        KAALETH
               Hah! Chickened out, eh, Kirk?
               Knew you didn't have guts
               enough to play in the game.
               
                        KIRK
                   (slight weak smile)
               Yeah. Guess I'm just a coward
               at heart. ...Sorry-
               
     As he passes Kaaleth, he dumps a healthy dose of
     popcorn and Orange-Ade down the back of Kaaleth's
     neck. Kaaleth starts to object, but is shot a
     warning glance by Zystra. There is NOISE from the
     field and all resume their concentration on the
     game...
     
45   THE AUSTRO-HUNGARIAN FIGHTING MATCH - THE FIELD        45

     The Klingons are clearly in control of the field.
     They have encircled the Austrian players who are
     making a vain final stand near their own 20-yard
     line. They have only primitive weapons and
     spears. The Klingons move in slowly, tightening
     the circle around them, jeering -
     
46   THE BLEACHERS                                          46

     Kaaleth and Zystra cheer and howl derisively.
     Kirk sits quietly, slight smile on his face,
     waiting -
     
47   THE FIELD                                              47

     The Klingons are tightening the circle, moving in
     for the kill, weapons on point and ready to
     strike - when suddenly THE WHOLE DAMN FIELD
     EXPLODES IN AN EXPLOSIVE BLAST OF WHITE LIGHT
     emanating from the center of the Austrian huddle.
     The smoke clears. There is a smoking, vacant
     hundred-foot crater where the Austrian half of
     the field used to be. A stunned silence from the
     crowd, then
     
48   THE BLEACHERS - WIDE SHOT                              48

     As the shock of the explosion begins to recede,
     the silence in the stands is replaced by yells.
     The Austrian fans cheer. They are immediately set
     upon by Klingon fans with hauberks and
     battleaxes. The Austrians counterattack with
     switchblades and unattached pieces of furniture.
     Mass bloodshed and rioting ensues.
     
49   THE BLEACHERS - OUR SECTION                            49

     Kirk is still sitting there looking smug. Kaaleth
     and Zystra begin to stare at him suspiciously,
     realization and anger dawning.
     
                        SPOCK
               And so the game will be counted
               as a forfeit.
               
                        KIRK
               And the home team automatically
               wins. Amazing, what you can do
               with a phaser set on overload.
               
     Just as Kaaleth and Zystra draw meat cleavers and
     grinders-
     
                        KIRK
               Scotty, beam us up!
               
     Kirk and Spock DEMATERIALIZE just as Kaaleth and
     Zystra leap for the kill. Both of them fall to
     the floor, looking moderately frustrated. As
     Kaaleth lies there annoyed, Zystra rises:
     
                        ZYSTRA
                   (subtitle: PREPARE TO
                   LEAVE ORBIT!)
               Z'lazhgn! Ylp grr'nathn
               portschulllth!
               
50   EXT. THE ENTERPRISE                                    50

     Still with WET PAINT signs on the starboard
     nacelle.
     
51   INT. ENTERPRISE CORRIDOR                               51

     Kirk, Spock and SCOTT come out of the transporter
     room.
     
                        KIRK
                   (patronizingly)
               Scotty, you've just earned your
               paycheck for the week.
               
                        SCOTT
                   (smiling broadly)
               Aye, an' there's only one thing
               worse than an overpaid, bloated
               patronizing old ham of an'
               actor who can't see past his
               own ego, an' that's a one like
               that who wears a toupee.
               
                        KIRK
                   (also smiling)
               Yeah, well, at least I don't
               have to do dialect.
               
     They smile at each other. The long friendship
     between the admiral and the chief engineer is
     readily evident.
     
                        KIRK
               Anyway, I hope you have
               everything ready to go for our
               next adventure.
               
                        SCOTT
                   (sharpening a pickaxe)
               Ee, that I do, Adm'r'l.
               Ever'thin's ship-shape. Though
               I never did have time to do all
               those crucial repairs.
               
                        KIRK
               What crucial repairs? Oh, well,
               never mind, I guess I'll find
               out soon enough.
               
                        UHURA'S VOICE
               Red alert! Red alert! Admiral
               to the bridge! Or Captain. Or
               whatever the hell his rank is
               this week.
               
     Kirk and Spock exchange a glance and run for the
     turbolift. Scotty stands and looks after them,
     smiling maliciously.
     
52   INT. KLINGON BIRD OF PREY "WOMBAT" - BRIDGE            52

     Zystra steps into shot. At their stations are
     half a dozen crack KLINGON OFFICERS. Zystra
     examines readouts on one officer's panel and
     activates a radio.
     
                        ZYSTRA
               At last, the chance to destroy
               the Enterprise and put a final
               end to that galactic pig's-
               bucket James T. Kirk! Kaaleth!
               Are you prepared?
               
53   EXT. SPACE - THE WOMBAT AND THE HALITOSIS              53

     Zystra's tiny Bird Of Prey "Wombat" is visible in
     the foreground. Shot pans over to show a gigantic
     powerful Klingon Dreadnought, the "Halitosis", a
     short distance abeam of her.
     
                        KLINGON OFFICER
                   (voice-over)
               Sir? Communication from Admiral
               Zystra, sir. Sir? Sir?
               
                        KAALETH
                   (voice-over)
               Wh-? Huh? What? Oh -
               
54   INT. BRIDGE OF THE "HALITOSIS"                         54

     Kaaleth and a dozen or so KLINGON OFFICERS, most
     of them smoking crack and inhaling acetone fumes
     straight from the can. Kaaleth is in the back of
     the room lying on a beanbag chair in front of
     some Filmore Green posters and listening to old
     Randy Miller records on LP. He gets up unsteadily
     and stumbles to the command chair.
     
                        KAALETH
               - yeah, that's right. Yeah.
                   (activating radio)
               Uh, yeah, Admiral Kaaleth here.
               All systems A-OK. Ten-four.
               Ready to do the, uh, thing.
               Roger and willies.
               
                        ZYSTRA
                   (on radio)
               You have Enterprise coordinates
               on subspace coded frequency tau
               alpha forty-three zed ceta?
               
                        KAALETH
                   (taking drink prepared by
                   crewman)
               Uh, thanks. - Uh, yeah!
               Enterprise coordinates. Sure. I
               know just where to find 'em.
               The poor bastards.
               
                        ZYSTRA
               Maintain gamma frequency below
               404 substratas. Attack pattern
               plural nine Zeta. Coded
               frequencies locked.
               
                        KAALETH
               Yeah. We were just doing that.
               
                        ZYSTRA
               Maintain Big Dangerous Threat.
               Zystra out.
               
                        KAALETH
               Yeah, out. K'plaaaagh!
                   (saluting halfheartedly
                   with cupped hand)
               Activate the cloaking device!
               Close to battle formation! Lock
               away the batten hatches an'
               leeches! Mains'ls full and
               stand by all guns to become
               amidships!
               
55   EXT. SPACE                                             55

     The Wombat and the Halitosis engage their
     cloaking devices and sneak up on poor defenseless
     Enterprise.
     
56   INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE                                 56

     CHEKHOV, UHURA and a few superfluous CREWMEN at
     their posts. Chekhov is muttering as Kirk and
     Spock ENTER.
     
                        CHEKHOV
               Sulu got his own ship. You and
               I - we're stuck here in thees
               pathetic lifeless scow. No
               hope. No careers of our own. No
               chance of promotion.
               
                        UHURA
               Yeah, well, could be worse. At
               least you didn't have to take
               all your clothes off in Star
               Trek V.
               
                        CHEKHOV
               Yeah, well, at least you
               deedn't have to get that theeng
               put in your ear...
               
                        KIRK
                   (arrives; patronizingly)
               Awww, you mean you miss your
               little playmate? Take us out of
               orbit, Mr. Sulu. Warp factor
               five.
               
                        CHEKHOV
                   (barely suppressed
                   bitterness)
               Sulu's not here. I'm Chekhov.
               Remember?
               
                        KIRK
               Right you are. I forgot. Sulu
               defected. He got a ship of his
               own... the miserable little
               turncoat, the goddamned leech-
               fucking rat...
                   (snapping out of it)
               Well! Helmsman, set course 181
               mark 25. Maximum warp.
               
                        CHEKHOV
               Erm...
               
57   INSERT: CLOSE SHOT OF NAVIGATION CONSOLE               57

     Graphic of the Enterprise in space, with
     navigational points superimposed over the screen.
     Chekhov sets the course for 181 mark 25, and the
     console flashes up a flight path which leads
     directly into the heart of a nearby sun. A
     flashing red warning on the screen says,
     NAVIGATIONAL HAZARD - CERTAIN DESTRUCTION
     IMMINENT. Chekhov's finger hovers dangerously
     over the ENGAGE button, as he contemplates the
     possibility, as he savors this sweet idea...
     
     But he chickens out. His hand veers over and
     turns the navigation control. He resets the
     course for 95 mark 50 and open space. He hits
     "Engage".
     
58   BACK TO BRIDGE                                         58

                        CHEKHOV
               Course set to 181 mark 25, sir.
               
                        KIRK
               Good.
               
                        CHEKHOV
                   (under his breath)
               And it was wery tempting...
               
     Kirk gives Chekhov a quizzical glance. Chekhov
     ignores it. Kirk sits in his command chair.
     
                        KIRK
               Another job well done! And now,
               let's go find another primitive
               alien culture to overthrow in
               the name of justice and the
               Federa-
               
     But he is interrupted by the shudder and
     explosion of another part of the ship...
     
59   EXT. SPACE                                             59

     A photon torpedo slams into the Enterprise's
     starboard nacelle! Warp intercoolers, cans of wet
     paint and buckets of crescent wrenches go
     tumbling into space.
     
60   BACK TO BRIDGE                                         60

                        SPOCK
               We are under attack, Captain.
               Possible cloaked adversaries to
               aft and starboard.
               
                        KIRK
                   (falling back on STAR TREK
                   II dialogue)
               Who the hell are they?
               
                        SPOCK
                   (dropping his copy of the
                   STAR TREK II script into a
                   nearby incinerator)
               If it's not already painfully
               obvious to you, Captain, I
               would speculate it's the two
               Klingon commanders who appeared
               earlier in the story.
               
61   EXT. SPACE                                             61

     Three KLINGONS in a rowboat take a barrel of
     gunpowder attached to a long taut bungee cord,
     light the fuse and release it. It flies out into
     space at high velocity and slams into the side of
     the Enterprise, where the bungee cord has been
     tied to a cleat on the hull. Massive explosion.
     The Klingons laugh in pirate fashion and row
     away.
     
62   BACK TO BRIDGE                                         62

     Sparks fly out of someone's console. More
     explosions can be heard.
     
                        CHEKHOV
               The sheep's not respondeeng,
               Keptin! We're adreeft!
               
                        KIRK
               Your dialect's getting thicker,
               too. Uhura! Open hailing
               frequencies!
               
63   INSERT: UHURA                                          63

     At her console, bored, sullen, indifferent.
     
                        UHURA
                   (fingering a dagger)
               That's all I ever do on this
               fucking ship. "Open hailing
               frequencies!" "Open hailing
               frequencies!" One of these
               days, I'm gonna open your
               hailing frequencies...
               
     She turns in her chair, revealing her console.
     There is one big huge red button on it clearly
     marked OPEN HAILING FREQUENCIES. Nothing else.
     She pushes it with the hilt of the dagger.
     
64   BACK TO BRIDGE                                         64

                        UHURA
                   (suppressing a yawn)
               Hailing frequencies open,
               Captain.
               
                        KIRK
               This is Captain James T. Kirk
               of the Starship Enterprise! I
               demand you cease your attack
               and identify yourselves!
                   (aside, to himself)
               Now that ought to impress 'em.
                   (again, more impressively)
               This is CAPTAIN James T. KIRK
               of the Starship... ENTERPRISE!!
               I deMAND you CEASE your ATTACK
               and iDENtify yourselves!!
                   (smiles at Spock as if
                   to say, "Hey! I'm doing
                   great, huh!")
               This IS Captain JAMES T. KIRK,
               of the STARSHIP-
               
                        ZYSTRA
                   (over radio)
               Yes! Yes! We heard you! We
               heard you, for God's sake! We
               hear you fine! Don't keep on
               yammering about it or we'll
               kill you faster!
               
     Kirk gives Spock a glance, as if to ask who would
     ever dare say such a thing to him. Spock remains
     impassive.
     
                        KIRK
               So, uh... So you're gonna stop,
               right?
               
65   INT. BRIDGE OF THE "WOMBAT"                            65

     Zystra at his command chair.
     
                        ZYSTRA
               Not likely, Kirk! You and your
               offensive corrupt status quo
               bourgeouise humans-only
               egocentric fuck-em-and-kill-em
               Federation posturing has got to
               be stopped! You and your crew
               are going to pay the ultimate
               price for your corruption and
               your interference with the
               Klingon Empire!
               
66   INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE                                 66

     Uhura, alarmed, interrupts.
     
                        UHURA
               Now wait a minute. I had
               nothing to do with it. I was
               sick of the whole thing!
               
                        CHEKHOV
               That's true! Een fact, Uhura
               and I had been theenking about
               jumping ship and defecting-
               
                        ZYSTRA
                   (over radio)
               Say your prayers, Kirk! That
               is, if you think your pagan God
               will listen to you...
               
     The radio clicks off.
     
                        KIRK
               Of course He'll listen; I'm
               James T. KIRK! Helmsman, come
               right to 284 mark 9 and bring
               all weapons to bear.
               
                        CHEKHOV
               Aye, sir.
               
     As Chekhov, humming to himself, halfheartedly
     obeys the Captain's instructions, slowly,
     laconically, casually spinning the navigation-
     control like a roulette wheel and stopping it
     somewhere in the neighborhood of the correct
     setting with an idle fingertip...
     
                        KIRK
               Cloaked ships. Spock, what's
               the probability that we'll be
               able to spot a cloaked ship and
               disable it by sheer random
               chance?
               
                        SPOCK
               Twenty-nine million, seven
               hundred forty-three thousand
               eight hundred ninety-one point
               three to one against, Captain.
               
                        KIRK
               Then you don't mind if I play
               my hunch?...
                   (to Chekhov)
               Fire!
               
67   EXT. SPACE                                             67

     The Enterprise fires a barrage of phasers, photon
     torpedoes, barrels of boiling tar, cannonballs
     and flaming arrows... and, by impossible chance,
     hits the cloaked "Halitosis"! The latter drops
     its cloaking device.
     
68   INT. BRIDGE OF THE "HALITOSIS"                         68

     Confusuion and panic. The Enterprise can be seen
     on the main monitor, coming around for the kill.
     
                        KLINGON
               Captain! We've lost the
               cloaking whatchamacallit!
               
                        KAALETH
                   (dropping an open can of
                   acetone)
               What?! Oh my God! Where? What?
               Why? Quick! Put on the
               engorgers! No, wait, the
               engines! Go port to 2333333333
               point, uh, duh- fuck, fuck,
               fuck!
               
     As he speaks the Enterprise can be seen firing
     another barrage of photon torpedoes, which head
     straight for Kaaleth's ship...
     
69   EXT. SPACE                                             69

     The Halitosis explodes! Little tiny Klingons can
     be seen trying to swim away in the thick fog.
     Four of them are in a rowboat with a treasure
     chest. They fight off other survivors who try to
     board.
     
70   INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE                                 70

     Kirk looks smugly self-satisfied. The others,
     especially Chekhov, have looks on their faces
     which say, "Oh my God, he's gotten away with it
     again, now he's going to be even more
     insufferable than he already was".
     
                        KIRK
               One down, one to go. Sulu! Come
               round to 303 mark 99 and fire
               all weapons on my mark.
               
                        CHEKHOV
               Chekhov...
               
                        SPOCK
               Captain, odds are the same
               impossible plot trick won't
               work the same way twice in a
               row.
               
                        KIRK
                   (dismissively)
               You're just artificially
               building up the suspense; I
               know...
                   (after a beat)
               Fire!
               
71   EXT. SPACE                                             71

     Once again the Enterprise fires. Camera follows
     the photon torpedoes as they fly out into space,
     get caught in the orbit of a nearby planet,
     slingshot around the gravity well, fly back at
     three times their former velocity and slam
     directly into the Enterprise's engineering hull.
     Massive damage and destruction results.
     
72   BACK TO BRIDGE                                         72

     Spock looks at Kirk, a hint of "I-told-you-so"
     smugness on his face. Kirk doesn't look directly
     at him.
     
                        KIRK
               Okay, well, uh... bad idea, I
               admit it.
               
73   INT. BRIDGE OF THE "WOMBAT"                            73

     Exultation. Blood-lust in the Klingons' eyes.
     
                        ZYSTRA
               Pinpoint their antigravity
               storage wells and attack!
               Manifest destiny! God Is On Our
               Side!
               
     The Klingons begin firing more torpedoes and
     lobbing lit sticks of dynamite out the windows.
     Two of them can be seen lifting a big Doberman
     with a jet-pack up to one of the torpedo tubes...
     
74   INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE                                 74

     Massive smoke and destruction. EXPLOSIONS can be
     heard throughout the scene. A large hole leading
     directly into the vacuum of space can be seen
     slowly widening in the port wall. Uhura is trying
     to shove an ENSIGN into it to stop the loss of
     oxygen.
     
                        SPOCK
                   (logically)
               We're in deep fucking trouble,
               Captain.
               
                        KIRK
               Sulu... uh, Chekhov! Come right
               to 188 mark 33 and bring all
               weapons to b-
               
                        CHEKHOV
                   (smiling; spinning the
                   broken navigation control
                   on his fingertips like a
                   Frisbee)
               We've lost navigation controls,
               Keptin. No power to weapons or
               engine systems. Hey de ho!
               
                        KIRK
               Dammit.
                   (hitting intercom)
               Scotty! We need warp power and
               phaser controls. We need all
               navigational systems and
               weapons and shields... Scotty!
               SCOTTY!
               
     A beat. No answer. More explosions.
     
75   INT. ENGINEERING                                       75

     The ship shakes from another set of explosions.
     Critical Engineering displays flash red. Kirk's
     voice can just be heard coming from a smoking
     communications console in the background. Certain
     destruction is imminent.
     
     The only crewmember here is Scotty. He sits on a
     deuterium bulkhead, calmly, even cheerfully. In
     his hands is a set of bagpipes. Ignoring the
     sounds of battle, Montgomerey Scott slowly,
     liltingly, plays "The Wreck of the Mary Reade" as
     he waits to die. There is a pleasant look, of
     closure, of satisfaction, on his face as he
     plays. He is at peace.
     
     A long, gentle, lyrical interlude.
     
76   BACK TO BRIDGE                                         76

     As before. Sweat and panic.
     
                        KIRK
               Scotty? Scotty!? Damn you, you
               bastard! -Okay, look, I take
               back all the bad things I said
               about you...
               
                        SPOCK
               Inner hull rupture. Decks 2
               through 39. Four hundred
               twenty-three casualties.
               
                        KIRK
               Well, that ought to do it.
               
                        SPOCK
               Hull integrity, antimatter
               containment and life support
               will all fail inside of two
               minutes.
               
                        KIRK
                   (significantly)
               What we need now is a miracle.
               
     And immediately on that cue:
     
77   EXT. SPACE - THE U.S.S. EXCELSIOR                      77

     The huge, powerful, sleek, majestic Federation
     starship glides across the screen accompanied by
     heroic music.
     
78   INT. EXCELSIOR BRIDGE                                  78

     Captain SULU is just entering the bridge. His
     officers turn to him and address him with respect
     and urgency.
     
                        SULU
               Status report.
               
                        EXECUTIVE OFFICER
               Long-range sensors show
               Federation ship, Constitution
               class, under attack!
               
                        HELM
               Possible cloaked adversary.
               We're picking up masked weapon
               signatures.
               
                        EXEC
               They can't last much longer out
               there, sir. Sensors show
               they've lost main power and are
               losing hull integrity.
               
     Sulu takes his seat in the command chair, his
     features stern.
     
                        SULU
                   (quick and decisive)
               Shields up! Take us in at warp
               five. Tactical display, and
               bring all weapons to bear!
               
                        COMM OFFICER
                   (suddenly, as she
                   discovers:)
               Wait, sir... it's the
               Enterprise!
               
     Long pause. Silence. Camera moves slightly in on
     Sulu.
     
                        SULU
               Have they spotted us?
               
                        COMM OFFICER
               I don't think so, sir. We're
               just at the outer edge of their
               sensor range.
               
     A beat.
     
                        SULU
                   (calm; relaxed)
               Hmmmm... well, never mind then.
               Helm! Do a slow circle keeping
               us out of their sensor range
               and get us back on course.
               
                        HELM
               A pleasure, sir.
               
                        SULU
                   (getting up to leave)
               Make a tape of our sensor
               scans, too. Send it to my cabin
               once their ship blows up. I
               want to have a copy.
               
                        EXEC
               Aye, sir.
               
                        SULU
               You have the bridge, Mr. Kyle.
               
     But just before he leaves, a thought occurs to
     him...
     
                        SULU
               Mr. Kyle?
                   (the Exec looks up)
               It is still Kirk in command,
               isn't it?
               
                        EXEC
               Aye, sir.
               
                        SULU
                   (nods, satisfied)
               Good. Carry on.
               
     And Sulu EXITS.
     
79   INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE                                 79

     As before, only somewhat worse. There is a little
     blinking blip on Spock's console that says, USS
     EXCELSIOR - OUTER SENSOR RANGE. Spock quietly
     turns it off.
     
                        KIRK
               As I said, what we need now is
               a miracle.
               
     A beat.
     
                        SPOCK
               Doesn't look like you're going
               to get one, Captain.
               
     Another beat. More explosions can be heard from
     the lower decks. A spar-mast comes crashing down
     next to Uhura's console. Dramatic music plays.
     Camera does a slow zoom-in on Kirk. He is about
     to make a Great Decision.
     
                        KIRK
                   (quietly but firmly)
               Abandon ship.
               
80   ANOTHER ANGLE ON THE BRIDGE                            80

     General sigh of relief. Uhura and Chekhov reach
     under their consoles and pull out their bags,
     which are already packed. Spock signals the two
     surviving CREWMEN (one of whom is wearing a red
     shirt) to begin lowering the lifeboat. As they
     begin working at the ropes, Spock steps quietly
     up behind Kirk.
     
                        SPOCK
               Shall I set the self-destruct
               device, sir?
               
                        KIRK
               No. No need... Scotty'll take
               care of it. He'd never let the
               ship fall into enemy hands.
               
81   INT. ENGINEERING                                       81

     Smoke and ruin. Everything disabled. Portable
     emergency lighting has been set up. Champagne
     bottles and assorted Federation secrets lie
     waiting on a nearby table. Mr. Scott is hanging a
     banner which reads WELCOME KLINGON INVADERS.
     
                                                   DISSOLVE:

82   EXT. SPACE                                             82

     Transitional music. The Enterprise lies in the
     left foreground, listing heavily to port and
     burning. A small lifeboat pulls away from the
     bridge and heads right. Camera pans with it to
     show a small planet a moderate distance away.
     
                        KIRK
                   (voice-over)
               Captain's Log, stardate three-
               four-two-eight-nine-twenty-six
               point seven and a half. The
               survivors of the Enterprise are
               heading for the fourth moon of
               Maracaybo, where we should be
               able to hold out against the
               filthy Klingon pirates who have
               butchered our ship...
               
83   INT. LIFEBOAT                                          83

     Chekhov in the bow, idly playing with a piece of
     string. Uhura and the red-shirted crewmen are
     next, pulling at the oars. The other crewman sits
     just aft of them, bailing the vacuum of space out
     of the bottom of the boat with a tin bucket.
     There is an occasional CLONK as he accidentally
     hits a solid object in the bottom of the boat.
     Spock is next, writing a small note on a piece of
     parchment. Kirk is aftmost, leaning on the tiller
     and dictating his log into a small hand-held tape
     recorder.
     
                        KIRK
               ...it's a Class M planet with a
               breathable atmosphere, and the
               opening of the bay is highly
               defensible, so we should be
               able to hold out there until
               help arrives.
               
                        SPOCK
               Is "rescue" one Q or two,
               Captain?
               
                        KIRK
               Make it three, for emphasis.
                   (resuming log)
               Survey ships reported that
               there were primitive cultures
               living in this system, so there
               is a chance of finding an alien
               species whose women can be
               seduced and its government
               overthrown in the name of the
               Federation.
               
     He clicks the tape off. Another CLONK as the tin
     bucket strikes a solid object.
     
                        KIRK
                   (turning to Spock)
               Okay, let's hear it.
               
                        SPOCK
                   (holding up parchment)
               "To whomsoever finds this note:
               We, the crew of the Bounty-"
               
                        KIRK
               Enterprise.
               
    Spock grudgingly corrects the parchment.
     
                        SPOCK
               Enterprise... "We, the crew of
               the Enterprise, seek your help.
               We are stranded and marooned
               and beset by merciless,
               heavily-armed adversaries who
               know not the meaning of fear
               and will show mercy to none.
               Once you rescue us, as reward
               the honorable James T. Kirk
               will condescend to shake your
               hand. Once. One hand only.
               Hoping this finds you, we beg
               to remain,-"
               
                        KIRK
               Remain what?
               
     Another CLONK. Spock considers the question.
     
                        SPOCK
               Alive, I would think.
                   (resuming)
               "Hoping this finds you, we beg
               to remain, Ever His Majesty's
               faithful servants, The
               Survivors of the unfortunate
               Enterprise."
               
                        CHEKHOV
               "Unfortunate" is right.
               
                        KIRK
               Good. Good. I think you should
               have added something about our
               heroics in the great battle,
               and our combatting against
               incredible and normally-
               overwhelming odds, but-
               
     Another CLONK.
     
                        KIRK
               -but it'll have to do. Send
               that in the direction of Earth.
               I think it's that way.
               
                        CREWMAN
                   (pausing from bailing,
                   and pointing)
               More like that way, Captain.
               
     Kirk gives the crewman a look that would make
     cheese run away yelping.
     
                        KIRK
               I'm the Captain. Your job is to
               bail, pig.
               
                        CREWMAN
               See, Orion is over there, and
               if you look to where you can
               see Centauri-
               
                        KIRK
               Keep bailing!
               
     The crewman resumes bailing. Another CLONK. He
     continues speaking.
     
                        CREWMAN
               -if you imagine a line between
               the Canarga system and
               Centauri, you can follow it and
               it leads you right over there,
               to where Earth-
               
                        KIRK
               All right, mister! I've heard
               about enough. I'm the
               Commanding Officer and I say
               that Earth is over there! For
               God's sake. Like I'm going to
               listen to someone who doesn't
               even know how to bail.
               
                        CREWMAN
               There's some heavy thing in the
               way! I keep hitting it.
               
                        KIRK
               Well, move the goddamned thing.
               I don't see why I have to think
               of everything...
               
     The crewman reaches down, and pulls up:
     
                        ALL
               McCoy!-
               
                        UHURA
               Oh, look at his head-
               
                        KIRK
               Doctor? Bones, what the hell
               are you doing here-
               
                        MCCOY
                   (somewhat drunk and
                   with several bruises on
                   his head where the
                   bucket has hit him)
               S'nothin... don' know what ya
               gotta do to get a decent
               night's rest on a starship...
               Climbed up there to have a
               little nightcap an' nex' thing
               ya know, somebody's kneelin' on
               your torso an' hittin' you in
               th' head wi' a bucket...
                   (lifting a bottle)
               I figgurred here I'd be safe
               fr'm the ravings of the self-
               righteors Cap'n Dunsel, but
               nooo, not ev'n th' bottle an'
               th' lifeboat's enough...
               
                        SPOCK
               The bottle, Doctor.
               
     McCoy hangs onto the bottle possessively. Uhura
     reaches for it from behind, twists it out of his
     grip and before anyone can stop her she drains
     the remaining whiskey with one gulp. She then
     hands the empty bottle to Spock. McCoy groans
     disconsolately. Spock takes the bottle, pushes
     the parchment in, corks it, and throws it in the
     direction Kirk indicated as Earthbound. Kirk
     grins smugly at the crewman.
     
                                                   WIPE:

84   EXT. SPACE - WOMBAT AND ENTERPRISE                     84

     Grappling lines hold the Klingon ship against the
     smoking ruins of the Enterprise. A Klingon
     BOARDING PARTY roams through the deserted hulk.
     
85   INT. BRIDGE OF THE "WOMBAT"                            85

     Zystra and three of his officers. Zystra is
     furious. In the background, two Klingon guards
     are holding Montgomery Scott. He is in irons and
     grinning.
     
                        ZYSTRA
               Not there? He's NOT THERE? We
               came all this way for the cause
               of wreaking our terrible unholy
               vengeance and you're telling me
               Kirk isn't even on board?
               Nobody on the ship but one
               worthless engineer who doesn't
               even know where Kirk is-
               
                        SCOTTY
               But if I knew, I'd tell ya,
               sure enough-
               
                        ZYSTRA
               -and you can't even tell me
               which way he went?
                   (approaching one officer)
               Mr. Kzdllf, I swear to you
               there'll be no ice cream for
               anybody on board this ship till
               we find out what happened to-
               
                        LOOKOUT
               Cap'n! Somethin' to starboard!
               
     Zystra and his officers dash to the starboard
     rail and gaze out...
     
86   THEIR POINT OF VIEW: SPACE                             86

     A small, gleaming object can be seen in the
     distance, a tiny speck, coming nearer and
     nearer...
     
                        ZYSTRA
               It's coming this way...
               Fielding glove to the Bridge!
               
87   THE BRIDGE                                             87

     The officers quickly clear a space. Disciplined
     Klingon officer RICKEY HENDERSON enters and
     stands at the rail, adjusts his mitt, watches
     carefully, and as the object comes in he easily
     one-hands it and passes it off to Zystra. Zystra
     takes the object and examines it...
     
88   INSERT: THE OBJECT                                     88

     Zystra's hands hold the object. It is the bottle
     Spock threw from the lifeboat. The scribbled
     parchment can be seen within.
     
89   BACK TO "WOMBAT" BRIDGE                                89

     Zystra hands the bottle to another officer. As he
     speaks Henderson tips his cap and leaves,
     declining all requests for autographs.
     
                        ZYSTRA
               It came from that way. At last!
               Helm! Come to starboard, 13892
               point 5! Crowd on sail.
               Harpooneers stand ready. This
               time we'll be putting an end to
               the White Whale!
               
     The Klingons CHEER...
     
                                                       WIPE:

90   EXT. SPACE - THE PLANET MARACAYBO                      90

     Establishing shot. A smallish, sandy-looking
     planet with some areas of jungle and a fairly
     defensible lagoon.
     
                        KIRK
                   (voice-over)
               Captain's Log, supplemental.
               The seven of us are now
               marooned on this tiny desert
               isle. Ginger and the Professor
               seem to think they can get the
               radio working.
               
91   EXT. MARACAYBO - THE SHORELINE                         91

     In the left background, the lifeboat lies beached
     on the shore. Chekhov and McCoy lie next to it
     playing gin rummy, McCoy playing slowly as he is 
     holding his head in massive pain. Right
     background Uhura and the two crewmen are hacking
     down coconut trees. Right now they are using
     machetes. It is slow work.
     
     Kirk and Spock are in foreground.
     
                        KIRK
               Okay, let's hear it.
               
                        SPOCK
               I have scanned the area for
               approximately six thousand
               meters. No sign of Klingon
               invaders or anyone else at this
               time. No signs of ruined
               civilizations, no mysterious
               energy fields and no ancient
               machines which cause Time to
               run backwards.
               
                        KIRK
                   (who was counting on
                   finding one)
               Damn.
               
                        SPOCK
               Chekhov and McCoy are
               investigating increasing our
               communicator's range to signal
               for help. Uhura's party is
               building primitive shelters to
               protect us from the weather.
               
     In the background we see that Uhura has grown
     tired of using the machetes, and is now chopping
     down wide swaths of forest with a hand phaser...



And that's what there is, so far. Perhaps one of these days I'll feel the need to add some more.


A Comment On Wesley Crusher
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Do you think Gene Roddenberry would approve?