Copyright (c) 1986 by Dr. E. Henry Thripshaw. Film rights purchased by Gwen What's-her-name with a rubber check for $15.00. All other rights reserved.
FADE IN: INTERIOR: DETECTIVE OFFICE - DAY Camera comes up on NICK ARCHER, sitting at his desk. He is reading a copy of the paperback novel "The Narvik Concession", and looks extremely bored. A knock at the door. RHONDA, his shapely brunette secretary, leans into the room. RHONDA Somebody to see you, Nick. (Nick doesn't look up) A client. NICK (looking up) Yeah? She got cash? RHONDA Could be. NICK Send her in. Rhonda exits. A moment later, SOPHIE RODGERS - a particularly nice-looking brunette - enters, looking worried. SOPHIE So you're Nick Archer. NICK Could be, sweetheart. You must be the dame I saw in the paper. SOPHIE Paper? NICK Yeah. Nick holds up a copy of the New York Times. Large headline: MILLIONAIRE RODGERS FOUND SLAIN. Smaller print below: HEIRESS DAUGHTER SOUGHT AS SUSPECT. SOPHIE Let me see that... hmmm... (handing the paper back) Nope. It's not me. NICK I meant this headline. Nick turns to the middle of the Sports section, points at a headline about halfway down the page. A one-column article: PLOT COMPLICATION DISCOVERED. A picture of Sophie is above the article. SOPHIE Oh, yeah, that's me. I discovered this plot to rob some penguins, see- NICK (interrupting) Yeah, sweetheart, and I'm Cab Calloway. You're giving me the runaround and you haven't been in the room one minute yet. SOPHIE Who's Cab Callo- NICK Something's going on, and it's bigger than you think. I've got no time to play games with broads who want to play dumb, so we'll talk later on at O'Reilley's bar, and then you'll play it straight. For right now, you'd better grab your bag and get out of here - and quick, because you were followed. SOPHIE Me? Followed? NICK (standing up and pushing her towards the window) Yeah. Quick! Out the fire escape. Nick pushes Sophie out the window, and slams it shut; Sophie begins climbing down the fire escape. The door opens suddenly. Somebody is pushing Rhonda into the room. RHONDA Nick, there's- NICK Yeah, fine. Send 'em in, toots. Rhonda steps aside. In comes ALEXANDER HAIG, followed by SECRETARY OF STATE GEORGE SCHULTZ. SCHULTZ You Archer? NICK That's me. What do you two want? SCHULTZ Just want to give you a warning. Stay off the Rodgers case. NICK You mean the heiress, the millionaire killing? SCHULTZ No, dummy, the plot complication. HAIG You want me to rough him up a little? SCHULTZ Easy, Haig... NICK (putting his feet up on the desk) All right, Schultz. You think you can come in here and boss me around. Well, I've got news for you. I've put up with two-bit hoodlums like General Haig there before, and I've been threatened by better Secretaries of State than you. Why don't you go waste your breath on something you can handle, like Soviet Foreign Secretary Gromyko? SCHULTZ I've handled Gromyko before - NICK Bull. Don't play games with me. You're no match for Gromyko and you're no match for me. Get out of my office. It'd scare away my customers to see me hanging out with ugly gunzels like Haig here. HAIG Why, you... SCHULTZ Easy, Haig! (to Nick) All right, Archer, we'll let you off the hook this time. But we're only doing this to advance the plot! You come across us again and we may not be so nice! NICK (sarcastically) I'm shaking in my boots. Oh, and Haig - your shoe's untied. HAIG (looking down) Wha-? Where? SCHULTZ (grabbing Haig, heading for the door) Come on... They leave. Nick waits a moment, gets his coat and hat, leaves the office. Nick's voice is overdubbed onto the scene along with some exciting detective music. NICK (over) I wouldn't have thought much of the dame's story by itself, she was obviously lying, but Schultz and Haig had got me interested. EXTERIOR: FORTY-FOURTH STREET - DAY Nick is walking down the dingy pale sidewalk. Other pedestrians stare at him in awe. Taxicabs slam into parked cars to get a better look at him. Tough-guy music. The voice-over continues. NICK (over) If those two were in on the case, then that meant the President was in on it too. I've had more problems with the President than with the Guccione family, so if the White House thought this broad had a story then I wanted a piece of the action. Nick climbs into a cab. A brunette is driving. NICK (over) Before I went to O'Reilley's I thought I'd drop by the Soviet Consulate for a quick drink. The cab drives away. EXTERIOR: THE SOVIET EMBASSY - DAY The cab pulls through the magnificently barred gates. The guard looks into the car, smiles, waves them on. INTERIOR: THE SOVIET EMBASSY RECEPTION ROOM Nick enters, and SOVIET AMBASSADOR VLADIMIR K. SARATOV comes in and shakes his hand. Saratov is all smiles, as always, as he greets his old friend. SARATOV Ah, Nick! You decadent capitalist! Care for a drink? NICK You know I never turn one down, Saratov. SARATOV The usual? Bourbon and lemon, no ice? NICK Yeah. You oughta try it - better than that vodka stuff of yours. SARATOV Ah, Nick! One of your American jokes. Saratov pours the drinks, and hands one to Nick. NICK Exporting any good revolutions lately? SARATOV (shrugs) Times are bad, Nick. Sometimes everybody want revolution - sometimes nobody want it. (drinking his vodka) So what brings you round to the Embassy? NICK Business. SARATOV (sadly) Always business. You never drop by for a game of Krachtowvich. What is it this time? NICK A broad. Sophie Rodgers. Brunette. Heard of her? SARATOV (with a worried look) That's classified Embassy business. What do you know about it? NICK Not much. That's why I'm asking. SARATOV (turning away) I can't tell you anything. NICK Look, Vladimir, we've been friends ever since the Kruschev case. Level with me. It'll make the plot run a lot smoother. SARATOV Hmmmm... (after a pause) All right, Nick. But only because we're friends, and because I want to get this exposition scene over with. (writing down an address and handing it to Nick) Try this address. You'll be able to get some information there. But if anybody there asks, you didn't get it from me. NICK Thanks. INSERT SHOT of the paper in Nick's hand. The address reads, "Abu-Khazad Ware- house, 55 West Seventeenth Street, Al-Jihaz, Saudi Arabia". SARATOV Be careful, Nick. NICK Why do you say that? SARATOV Because this is a cheap detective movie, and the hero's friends are supposed to tell him to be careful. It artificially raises the suspense. NICK That's a goddamned cheap trick. SARATOV What do you expect from a screenplay written in two days? NICK (ominously) Better dialogue. Nick walks out of the Embassy. Saratov stares after him. Ominous detective music begins playing. Send your request along with $15.00 to cover postage and handling to E. Henry Thripshaw Enterprises for a cassette of ominous detective music to play as background for scenes like this. EXTERIOR: O'REILLEY'S BAR - EVENING Nick walks down the sidewalk and enters the bar. NICK (over) I had a lot to think about as I entered O'Reilley's Bar that night. The Saudis were in on this caper, and I'd heard they were dangerous customers. INTERIOR: O'REILLEY'S BAR A really cheap, low-class dive. Hardly any brunettes. Nick goes to the bar and orders a drink. NICK (over) With them and the President in on this caper, I knew I was gonna be in for a hard time. I was hoping to talk to Glasgow - one of my old adversaries who I'd sent up to Sing Sing a few years back. Glasgow was no good, but he knew every detail of underworld gossip that went along the grapevine - and I wanted all the information I could get on this caper. Nick, drink in hand, walks across the bar to a dark booth in the back corner. JOE GLASGOW, an old-time Mafia hood, is slumped over a bottle of cheap whiskey. NICK Hello, Glasgow. GLASGOW (looking up) Nick Archer... what do you want? NICK Information. GLASGOW (getting up) Forget it. I don't even want to be seen near you. Being near you's trouble right now. NICK What have you heard? GLASGOW Shut up, Nick. You ain't heard nothun' from me. NICK It's the President, isn't it? He talk to you? GLASGOW No, not the President- NICK Who, then? GLASGOW (grabbing his coat) Forget it, Nick! I've told you too much already. You sent me up for killing Aldo Moro - I don't owe you nothing! (shouting) Nothing! Glasgow leaves quickly. Nick sits down at the table. A long moment with no punchline. Sophie comes in, walks up to Nick's table. SOPHIE Hello, Nick. NICK Sit down. Sophie sits across from Nick. NICK Now tell me what this is all about. SOPHIE Well, it all started about three weeks ago... EXTERIOR: AN ALLEYWAY NEAR O'REILLEY'S BAR - NIGHT Glasgow is standing in the alleyway, hands raised, looking scared. A dark shadowy FIGURE points a gun at him. GLASGOW No - wait! I didn't tell him nuthin'- The shadow fires six bullets into Glasgow's body. GLASGOW (collapsing, holding his stomach, desperately) -I didn't say nuthin!-- FIGURE (deep ominous voice) That's a double negative. GLASGOW (screamed as he dies) Noooooo-thinnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...! The dark shadowy figure leaves. A long pause. Two alleycats come over and eat the body. A drawing of the dark shadowy figure can be obtained from E. Henry Thripshaw Enterprises for $15.00. Be sure to mention this offer. Accept no substitutes. INTERIOR: O'REILLEY'S BAR -- THE FAR BOOTH Nick and Sophie. The table is covered with empty glasses. Both Nick and Sophie are still perfectly sober. Nick opens the ninth bottle of Jack Daniel's. SOPHIE ...and that's the whole story. NICK I believe you this time. All right, I'll take the case. Come on - we've gotta go to Saudi Arabia. SOPHIE Saudi Arabia? What for? NICK (pulling out the note) A Soviet Diplomat friend gave me this. Seemed to think it might be important. (getting up) Let's go. And quick, too - I've got a feeling something's happened to Joe Glasgow. SOPHIE How do you figure? NICK We got through an awful lot of exposition real quickly - I figure there must be a reason. Ominous detective music. Nick throws two quarters onto the table as a tip. The actual two quarters Nick used to pay the tip are available from E. Henry Thripshaw Enterprises for the astoundingly low price of fifteen dollars. Truly rare items. Collect the whole set. EXTERIOR: THE STREET OUTSIDE O'REILLEY'S BAR - NIGHT Nick and Sophie come out of the bar and walk down the dingy street. Quiet, suspenseful detective music. (NOTE: This music is available on the cassette of suspenseful detective music mentioned earlier. Still only fifteen dollars from E. Henry Thripshaw Enterprises. Get 'em while they last.) MONTAGE: THE WALK DOWN THE STREET Eerie, chilling camera shots. Suspicion in the air. Nick's voice-over is dubbed in. NICK (over) The case was getting suspicious. Too many unresolved questions. How did Sophie get mixed up in this affair? Was she still trying to hide something? Why was the President in on this caper? Who was putting the thumbscrews on Glasgow? Who in the hell was Narvik, and what did he have to concede? Sophie points into the alleyway. SOPHIE Nick - look! EXTERIOR: THE ALLEYWAY - NIGHT Nick picks up Glasgow's empty coat, looks at the marks on the ground. NICK Hmmm... Glasgow. Eaten by alleycats. A VOICE FROM THE SHADOWS That's right, Archer. From the shadows of the alley come DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR LATHROP and two uniformed POLICEMEN. NICK Lathrop. LATHROP Hi, Nick. Thought you'd show up. NICK Glasgow... murdered? (Lathrop nods) Who did it? LATHROP We've got a hunch you did. NICK Me? Cah-mon, Lathrop... LATHROP Look, Archer. We've got fifteen witnesses said you had an argument with him in O'Reilley's Bar a few hours ago. There's been bad blood between you and him ever since that Aldo Moro thing. And there was that stock market swindle a while back - NICK Face it, Detective-Inspector. You got nothing on me. Glasgow had a lot of enemies. I'm not the worst of 'em. LATHROP Then maybe you'd like to explain what Thorpe's chauffeur was doing. Found him dead in the East River. NICK Thorpe? The numbers runner? LATHROP That's right. NICK Can't pin that on me, either. But I'm glad you told me. LATHROP (with a suspicious edge) I'm sure you are. (a pause) I can't get you yet, Archer. But remember this: I've got my eye on you. You make one slip, and you're in the cooler. For keeps. NICK (sarcastically) I'm shaking in my boots. Oh, and Lathrop - your shoe's untied. LATHROP You pulled that joke back in Scene One. And just because it works on Alexander Haig doesn't mean it works on me. (as Nick and Sophie start to leave) Hey! Where you going? NICK Saudi Arabia. DISSOLVE TO: EXTERIOR: A LONG SHOT OF THE CITY - DAY Panorama shot. Al-Jihaz and the Oman Deserts can be seen just past Harlem. Exciting Phil Collins music. NICK (over) Saudi Arabia was located in a bad part of town. Nobody went to Saudi Arabia if they had a choice, but then I didn't. I didn't know where Thorpe's chauffeur fit into all this, but I figured I'd find the answers somewhere. And somewhere out there... I'd find Narvik. EXTERIOR: THE ABU-KHAZAD WAREHOUSE, SAUDI ARABIA - DAY An old, worn, wood-planked warehouse built back in the Twenties. An actual nail from one of the rotting floorplanks can be purchased from E. Henry Thripshaw Enterprises, at a cost of one cent. (A shipping and handling charge of $14.99 must also be included. Make your check out to Dr. E. Henry Thripshaw.) The exciting Phil Collins music is replaced by an exciting Jimmy Page guitar solo. Nick walks up to the weatherbeaten door, tries the knob. The door opens on creaking hinges. Nick goes inside. INTERIOR: THE ABU-KHAZAD WAREHOUSE An assortment of large crates. Dim lighting. Nick enters quietly. Looks around the warehouse. Finds nothing in particular. Sees a door to a small shipping office. Goes to the door. Nick pulls out a lock-pick and forces the office door open. INTERIOR: THE SHIPPING OFFICE Nick turns on the light. Looks around. Picks a clipboard off the desk. INSERT SHOT of the clipboard. A lot of writing in Arabic, Elvish, and the Dwarven Cirth Runes. One phone number can be read clearly: LAkeside 5-8718. Nick looks at this number, sets down the clipboard. There is a THUMP somewhere in the building. Nick quickly sets down the clip- board, turns off the light. The music changes from exciting Jimmy Page solo to exciting Vivaldi concerto. INTERIOR: THE ABU-KHAZAD WAREHOUSE Nick steps behind a crate. Two ARABS come in with rifles. ARAB #1 (in Arabic) Khlefarm... doldi est khalazd nushdi ben Nick Archer. ARAB #2 (in Armenian) Jlasjh! Kuhlamma bine sulggg! ARAB #1 (in Japanese) Wakarimasen! Archer-san ben Nikido dozo Sophie-Rodgers-sama! ARAB #2 (in German) Icht ben Sultengaarde! Eine das Archer been Huulstenkarden? ARAB #1 (in German) Nein. (called out in Swahili) Ar-cher! Hodi! Na kupa hati m'zuri! (a pause, then in Mongolian) St-thong. Olstel thal Nick non guilldo. ARAB #2 (in an obscure dialect of Betelgeuse V) Blurb blbbbl oosloofloo poog Nick-bloog enelblOOGloo. Ilbloog boof boodle oobelebloob Sophie Rodgers-bloob. ARAB #1 (in perfect English) I guess Nick's not here, then. Let's go. The two Arabs leave. Voice-over of Nick. NICK (over) So that was their terrible plot! Sophie was just an unwitting pawn in an international ring of smugglers. But what were they smuggling, and how did Guido fit into this racket? Nick looks out from behind the case. The warehouse is quiet. He pulls a crowbar out of his shirt pocket and wedges open one of the crates. The crate is full of plastic bags filled with white powder. Nick opens one and sniffs at the powder. Tastes a bit of it with his finger. NICK ...Salt. A VOICE FROM BEHIND HIM Salt indeed, Mr. Archer. Nick turns suddenly. ABDUL IBN-KAREEM stands behind him with a submachine gun. (Abdul's lines are delivered in perfect English, but are given Mongolian sub-titles. I don't know why. It'll give the Mongolians in the audience something to relate to.) NICK You must be Narvik. ABDUL Narvik? Who the hell is Narvik? NICK You know - "The Narvik Concession"? ABDUL I don't know what you're talking about. I am Abdul - Abdul Ibn-Kareem. It is good to know the name of the man who will kill you. The exciting Vivaldi concerto is replaced by an exciting Slim Whitman/Diana Ross duet. NICK You're planning to kill me with that music, right? ABDUL Joke while you can, Archer. Your life is short. I suppose you have realized what it is we are up to by now. NICK I've figured out most of it. You had plans to double-cross the Big Boys in Washington, and that's why you needed the warehouse for a front. But that's when Sophie Rodgers came into the picture. She held the deed to the building. So you had to get her out of the way. Abdul nods. NICK But you killed the Rodgers millionaire by accident. Set up some poor heiress for a fall. But you missed your target. Wrong Rodgers family entirely. ABDUL (sneering) It was all Kihladda's fault. NICK That's when the Soviets got interested. You were moving in on their side of the street. That's why you had to bump off Fidel. ABDUL If we could have got to Ambassador Saratov in time... NICK Yeah, but you didn't, did you? Now it's too late. ABDUL That's what you say, Archer. We were too late for Saratov - but now I can kill you. NICK You talk pretty big for a man who's in serious trouble. ABDUL (with a laugh) Serious trouble? Who do you think's in charge here, hmm? NICK I'd look behind you, if I were you. ABDUL Hah! You think you can fool me with that old trick- NICK (diving for cover) All right, Abdul! You asked for it! At that moment a sixty-foot-tall motorized scorpion covered with deadly laser rifles and nuclear particle cannons crashes through the back wall of the ware- house and blasts Abdul with a barrage of terrifying photon bolts. Nick sits up. The scorpion's GUNNERY OFFICER sits up and waves a gloved hand. The cockpit opens and the PILOT gives a short salute. NICK Thanks, guys. GUNNERY OFFICER Any time. Now available from E. Henry Thripshaw Enterprises: a working copy of the gigantic scorpion robot war-machine. Complete with replicas of the Pilot and Gunnery Officer. LIMITED QUANTITY ON HAND, so order today. Make out your $15.00 check or money order to Dr. E. Henry Thripshaw. Nick turns and leaves. EXTERIOR: OUTSIDE THE ABU-KHAZAD WAREHOUSE - DAY Nick steps out of the warehouse, walks down the street. Exciting Wagner opera aria from "The Ring of the Niebulung". NICK (over) A few of the pieces had begun to fall into place. But there were still a lot of questions that needed answering. He walks further along, steps into a phone booth. A couple of jet planes crash nearby as the pilots try to get a better look at him. He dials the operator. NICK (over) How much did Glasgow know? Who had murdered him, and who had murdered Thorpe's chauffeur? How was the President tied in with all this? And who the hell was this Narvik character anyway? OPERATOR (filtered through the phone) Number? NICK Lakeside 5-8718. CLICKS AND BUZZES over the line. A long pause. The phone RINGS. VOICE ON THE PHONE The number you have dialed has been disconnected. NICK Hello? VOICE ON THE PHONE Please check the number you have dialed, and dial again. NICK You can't fool me that easily. VOICE ON THE PHONE Damn! He caught on. -What do you want? NICK Abdul told me to call. Said to mention the President. VOICE ON THE PHONE We know about the President. Look, we've got another job for you. This Sophie dame is on ice over at the Ritz. Go pick her up and bring her to headquarters. I want her here before Air Force One lands. NICK (raising an eyebrow) Sophie. On ice at the Ritz. Got you. VOICE ON THE PHONE Oh, and there's a giant metal scorpion in your area. Does Abdul know about it yet? NICK (after a short pause) Yeah. He knows. VOICE ON THE PHONE Okay. Get on it. A CLICK on the phone. Nick hangs up. NICK (to himself) The Ritz... EXTERIOR: THE RITZ HOTEL - DAY Establishing shot. Beautiful people wearing beautiful clothes. A genuine Ritz cracker is available from E. Henry Thripshaw Enterprises for fifteen dollars. INTERIOR: THE RITZ HOTEL - LOBBY We can see Nick crossing to the desk. A bespectacled DESK CLERK greets him. DESK CLERK Yes, sir? NICK Rodgers. Sophie Rodgers. What's her room? DESK CLERK Oh, let me just check... The clerk looks through a book on the counter. DESK CLERK I'm afraid there's nobody registered under that name- Nick grabs him by the lapels and lifts him bodily over the counter. NICK Look, you soft-bellied worm, tell me the truth or I'll rip your lungs out. DESK CLERK But- NICK I eat meaner things than you for breakfast. You want me to break you into perfect thirds? DESK CLERK Okay! Three-forty-three! It's room 343! Here's the key! NICK (taking the key) That's better. He sets the clerk back down and turns towards the elevators. The clerk reaches for a phone. NICK (without turning around) You call them ahead and I'll personally make you eat Fourth Street. DESK CLERK (backing away from the phone) Uh... yes, sir. Nick heads for the elevators. INTERIOR: RITZ HOTEL - THIRD FLOOR HALLWAY An ARAB is leaning against the wall by the door to Room 343, reading the Koran. As Nick turns the corner, he quickly puts it under his robes and pulls out the Daily Racing Form. The Racing Form that the Arab was reading that day is now part of the Thripshaw Archives, and it can be YOURS for a mere fifteen dollars. Nick walks up to him. ARAB (trying to sound American) Hey... uh - Hi there, . . . chum. NICK Hi. ARAB How you like these, uh, Red Sox? NICK (playing along with it) Doing pretty well this season. ARAB (holding up the Racing Form) I like these, uh, how-you-say, horse races. How you like this Princess Favor in the fifth? NICK Looks good. How about Velvet Dawn in the eighth? ARAB (looking at the Form) Oh, I am sorry, I, uh, like this Salty Val by a nose. This David Baze - he is a fine jockey. NICK Yeah, I guess so. How about Kick In The Balls in the ninth? ARAB (flipping through the Racing Form, agitated) -Where is this, Kick In The... Nick kicks the Arab hard in the groin. NICK (unlocking the door) Well, you asked. He enters the room. INTERIOR: THE RITZ HOTEL - ROOM 343 Nick walks in and finds Sophie, who is bound thoroughly to a chair and gagged. He pulls the gag off her. SOPHIE Nick! NICK Here - let me untie you. SOPHIE Don't bother. I rather like it. Nick nods, pulls off his coat. Sophie wriggles sensuously. DISSOLVE TO: INTERIOR: RITZ HOTEL - THIRD FLOOR HALLWAY The Arab is just waking up. He looks up just as a dark shadow appears over him. His eyes widen in terror. ARAB No - no - Aaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggghhhhhhhh! DISSOLVE TO: INTERIOR: RITZ HOTEL - ROOM 343 It is dark outside the windows. Evening. A clock reads seven-thirty. Nick and Sophie walk towards the door. SOPHIE (just making conversation) Say, who is Cab Calloway anyway- NICK (shushing her, listening at the door) Quiet! Nick listens at the door, throws it open. INTERIOR: RITZ HOTEL - THIRD FLOOR HALLWAY Robes and a copy of the Koran and Racing Form by the door. Nick and Sophie look down. Small animal footprints are on the robe. NICK Hmmm... cats. Alleycats. ABDUL Most perceptive, Mr. Archer. Nick looks up. Abdul and two other Arabs stand there with guns. NICK Abdul! You're still alive. ABDUL If you remember the original novel, you'll recall I was supposed to die by falling down a well. ARAB #1 (in Sanskrit) Ilglrorrf shagga r'wq, klathath rrrrauous. ABDUL Shut up. NICK How'd you survive against that scorpion? ABDUL Lucky break. Now you answer MY question. Why did you kill my man here in the hall? Hmm? NICK I didn't kill him. He was alive when I went in. ABDUL You must think I am gullible, Mr. Archer. Abdul raises his submachine gun. Exciting music: Groucho Marx and Bing Crosby singing a duet of "Go West, Young Man". ABDUL Now we will go to the Boss. To the elevators, please... The group walks down the hall to the elevators. Nick pushes the Down button. NICK I didn't kill him. You know that. I don't have any alleycats. ABDUL That is not my concern, Mr. Archer. My concern is to send you to the Boss. Ahmed and L'Heem will escort you there safely. NICK And you'll stay here? (Abdul nods) Orders? ABDUL Of course. NICK It'll cost you your life, you know. Abdul exchanges a worried glance with his two henchmen. NICK See, if I had those alleycats, they must still be on this floor somewhere. Ever think about that? ABDUL (without conviction) You're bluffing. NICK They could be lurking around the corner... or just inside the door... or they could be coming down the far hallway right now. ABDUL I don't believe you. Nick reaches behind his back and completely rewires the elevator buttons. He continues talking as he does so. NICK You're playing with your life, Abdul... Just think... a life of worshipping Mohammed, fighting back the unholy invaders, your pilgrimage to Mecca, all wasted... because you took one chance too many and turned into Purina Cat Chow... ABDUL Enough! The elevator doors open. Nobody notices that there's only a shaft waiting, and no elevator. ABDUL We'll leave you here. The Boss can come to you. We'll just wait downstairs in case you try to escape. (to his men, in Arabic) Ak-ludll! The three of them step into the open elevator shaft and fall to their deaths. SOPHIE Well, that was easy. But wasn't he supposed to die by falling into a well? NICK (as the elevator slides into place) Dramatic license. The two of them get into the elevator. The doors close. EXTERIOR: OUTSIDE THE RITZ HOTEL - EVENING Nick and Sophie step outside. SOPHIE So the case still isn't solved, huh? NICK Hardly. We don't know who killed Glasgow yet, or who he was working for; we don't know who killed Thorpe's chauffeur; we don't know who Abdul's Boss is - and we still don't know who the hell this Narvik guy is. SCHULTZ Well, maybe now you'll get to find out. A hand falls on Nick's shoulder. Nick turns to see Secretary of State Schultz and General Haig. SCHULTZ You're going for a ride. Get in the limo, both of you. And don't try anything clever - we have six B-52 Bombers with nuclear warheads ready to blow the entire city off the map if you pull any funny stuff. Nick and Sophie reluctantly climb into the black limo. An official State Department report on various aspects of the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks is now available from E. Henry Thripshaw Enterprises for the incredibly low price of fifteen dollars. Collect the whole set. DISSOLVE TO: EXTERIOR: A BLEAK AND DESERTED HILL - DAY The black limo pulls up. Nick and Sophie get out, followed by Haig and Schultz. Schultz gestures up the hill. They walk up. Nick's voice is dubbed over the action. NICK (over) I knew what to expect. I knew who would be there, but it wasn't the sort of thing you look forward to. On top of the hill is THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, flanked by two or three WHITE HOUSE AIDES. NICK (over) Sure enough: there he was. The President of the United States. Along with a couple of gunzels I'd seen in countless mug shots. The President smiles, extends a hand. Nick shakes hands reluctantly. NICK (over) I never have liked the President's looks and I never will. The President smiles a little wider. THE PRESIDENT Nick Archer. I've heard a lot about you. NICK I've heard a lot about you too. THE PRESIDENT And this must be Sophie. Glad you found her. Wouldn't have wanted the Arabs to keep her. More useful to us. NICK Yeah, sure. Maybe you'd better tell us what you want. I've got a dentist appointment. THE PRESIDENT Tough guy to the last. All I want from you, Nick, is some infor- mation. You know where the Saudi Arabian warehouse is. I want to find it. NICK They're beginning to cut into your profits, eh? THE PRESIDENT (no longer smiling) What profits? NICK From your drug-smuggling operation. Don't act so surprised! You've been running cocaine into the country by the ton. Air Force One, right? The Customs boys would never dare touch that. The President glowers angrily. THE PRESIDENT Don't be an idiot, Nick - NICK And that's not even touching those military cargo planes... THE PRESIDENT (trying to act nonchalant) All right, hey - this is a capitalist government. A guy's entitled to make a few bucks any way he can... NICK Sure. But then the Saudis started switching your cocaine shipments with ordinary table salt. THE PRESIDENT (losing his nonchalance) A shipment here and there... NICK But it added up. And meanwhile they were selling your cocaine on the streets for big bucks while you came out with nothing. THE PRESIDENT (it finally bursts out of him) The dirty bastards were cutting into my profit margin! (looking at Nick suspiciously) But how'd you figure it out? NICK Federal deficit. Dead giveaway. You were losing money and you had to make up for it somehow. (the President nods) Why'd you kill the chauffeur? THE PRESIDENT (growling) Thorpe was making a bundle. Kept betting high odds that my cocaine shipments wouldn't get through. I got mad at him. I killed his chauffeur to let him know how I felt. NICK (nods) And Glasgow? And the Arab? You kill them too? THE PRESIDENT (with a frown) No... NICK What? THE PRESIDENT No! I didn't kill them. NICK The alleycats? That wasn't you? THE PRESIDENT Alleycats? What the hell would I be doing with alleycats? Look: all I want is to get these damn Arabs off my back. NICK What about the Boss? And what about this Narvik? THE PRESIDENT Narvik? Who the hell is Narvik? A long pause. Finally Nick takes Sophie's arm and turns down towards the limo. NICK All right, Mr. President of the United States. I think you're telling the truth. I'm gonna let you go this time. But you keep these small-fry of yours off my back, you hear me? One more appearance of Schultz or that bimbo Haig, and you're out on the street before you can say recall election! Nick and Sophie get into the limo and speed away. The President and his aides stand on the hill for a long moment. THE PRESIDENT Dammit, he makes me mad. DISSOLVE TO: EXTERIOR: FIFTY-SIXTH STREET - EVENING The limo pulls up. Nick and Sophie get out. Entire buildings collapse because of the weight of people inside rushing to the windows to get a look at the famous detective. SOPHIE What now? NICK I don't know. If we only knew where this Boss was, and what he wanted... but we have no way to find him. AN ALLEYCAT Well, you're in luck because he wants to find you. Nick and Sophie turn around. Three ALLEYCATS - a Siamese Persian and two Tabbys - are pointing submachine guns at our heroes. SIAMESE PERSIAN Inside. The Boss wants to see you. The cats move them into a building marked "DAVID O. SELZNICK BEHAVIORAL RESEARCH CENTER - Founded 1872". INTERIOR: DAVID O. SELZNICK BEHAVIORAL RESEARCH CENTER - RECEPTION ROOM The cats lead Nick and Sophie through. Five or six other ALLEYCATS are here, including a black-furred RECEPTIONIST with white paws. SIAMESE PERSIAN We have them. RECEPTIONIST Go on in. He's waiting. INTERIOR: DAVID O. SELZNICK BEHAVIORAL RESEARCH CENTER - INNER OFFICE The three cats bring Nick and Sophie in. SIAMESE PERSIAN Here they are, Boss. Behind the desk, THE BOSS stands: DR. DESMOND MORRIS, behavioural anthropolo- gist. DR. MORRIS Ah! Welcome, Mr. Archer. Miss Rodgers. NICK So you're the boss. Desmond Morris: best-selling author on behavioral anthropology. DR. MORRIS That's right. I hope my cats didn't frighten you. A badly-done print of Dr. Desmond Morris walking down a staircase wearing a cheap leather jacket is available from E. Henry Thripshaw Enterprises for the easy-to-afford fee of $15.00, about $14.98 more than it's worth. DR. MORRIS Remarkable, aren't they? A true breakthrough in behavioral research. They're strong-willed, keen-witted, and can make life-or-death decisions in a flash - and yet, as common alleycats, they can go almost anywhere unnoticed. NICK Then they're the cats that killed the Arab outside our door. DR. MORRIS Of course! I had to make sure you got here safely, and to do that I had to get the Arab out of the way. You see... Miss Rodgers' old warehouse is more valuable than you seem to realize. NICK That's what the Arabs seem to think. DR. MORRIS (with a derisive laugh) The Arabs! Pawns in a much bigger scheme. I was just using them to keep the President busy while I continued my work. They're expendable now. Now my plot is complete. SOPHIE What's so valuable about that old warehouse, anyway? DR. MORRIS Nothing! Totally useless. It's the land that's valuable. Nick and Sophie exchange a glance. DR. MORRIS Underneath that land, there's a new mineral form of acetylcholine - the most powerful behavioral drug ever to be seen by the eyes of man! It's responsible for these cats! And I can do that with anything - - birds, dogs, plants, television executives... NICK And you want the deed to the warehouse - DR. MORRIS (completing the thought) - so I will have the exclusive supply of the drug. NICK And use it in other, more powerful, scientific experiments. DR. MORRIS Wrong! No money in that. I'm going to sell it on the streets for thirty times the price of heroin! Nick and Sophie stare at him in amazement. DR. MORRIS (thoughtfully) Of course, I still have to have the drug made illegal. No drug really sells very well until it's made illegal, you know. But that will be a relatively trivial problem. And soon - I will have more money than anyone else in the world! SOPHIE Why, you're mad! NICK It all makes sense now... DR. MORRIS I knew you'd see it my way. NICK ...except for one thing. Why did you have Joe Glasgow murdered? A pause. Morris looks surprised. DR. MORRIS Glasgow? NICK Yeah, Glasgow. He was murdered. Why? DR. MORRIS Why would I murder him? He was working for me! I thought you murdered him! NICK No! But - if you didn't murder him... DR. MORRIS ...and you didn't... NICK ...then - SIAMESE PERSIAN -WE did! The Siamese Persian and five other alleycats stand on top of the desk, holding submachine guns and a variety of tactical nuclear warheads. SIAMESE PERSIAN Glasgow got too wise to us. ORANGE TABBY He overheard our plans to take over the Behavioral Research Center once and for all, so we had to silence him. ANGORRA We just couldn't take any more! Look at the flashing lights, push the food buttons, run down the maze, salivate when the bell rang... BROWN TABBY We were being driven nuts by this behavioral research bullshit. SIAMESE PERSIAN But now it's all over! We're taking over now, Doctor Desmond Morris - we're sick of your behavior tests, we're sick of your goddamned drugs, and we're sick of you! Let him have it!! DR. MORRIS Noooooooooooo.......! The cats open fire, and Dr. Morris falls to the ground riddled with bullets. The alleycats throw down their weapons and rejoice. ANGORRA We're free! We're free! Now let's get even with those goddamned dogs who've been annoying us all these years!! SIAMESE PERSIAN (to Nick and Sophie) You're free to go. We have no quarrel against you. But if you ever give any of that mind-drug to any dogs, or any mice... you'll be hearing from us. The cats run from the room. Nick reaches down, grabs the dying Dr. Morris by the throat. NICK I've only got one last question, Morris, and you've got no reason not to answer me now. DR. MORRIS Whaaat...? NICK (slowly and clearly) Who the hell is Narvik, and what the hell's he got to concede? Dr. Morris takes his last breath, and speaks his last words. DR. MORRIS Archer... Narvik isn't a person. It's a goddamned city... on the northern border of Norway and Sweden. (with a gasp) The author just needed a good title, that's all. You've been reading... too many cheap paperback novels. (slumping) Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrnolpff. Nick stands, looks at Sophie. A pause. NICK Let's get out of here. They head for the door. EXTERIOR: FIFTY-SIXTH STREET - OUTSIDE THE INSTITUTE - NIGHT Nick and Sophie step out of the building. Flames are beginning to gleam in the upstairs windows. Occasionally a cat runs out. NICK Well, that's the end of that. SOPHIE Oh, Nick, you've been so helpful. NICK Yeah. Well, you're off the hook now, baby. I just wish I were. SOPHIE What do you mean? NICK (gesturing to the burning building) There's dead bodies all over town, there's a building in flames, somebody's gonna find those dead Arabs in a little while... My old pal Detective-Inspector Lathrop is gonna be looking for a way to pin this all on me. And this time he's probably gonna find it. We can hear approaching SIRENS off in the distance. NICK I've only got one way out of it. I'm gonna talk to my old friend Saratov, and defect to the Soviet Union. SOPHIE What? (a pause) You can't do that! NICK No choice. It's been nice knowing you, sweetheart. He turns and begins walking towards the limo. Sophie watches him silently. He opens the back door and steps in. NICK (quietly, to the driver) Soviet Embassy. DRIVER Very good, sir. The door begins to shut. SOPHIE (shouting it out) Wait! The door opens again. Nick looks out. Sophie rushes to the car, stops. SOPHIE (quietly, trying to play it cool) You'll need something to live off of. I'm... getting a little bit of lease money off this warehouse... NICK (trying to play it cool, and easily succeeding) Oh yeah? (Sophie nods) You planning to give me the deed? SOPHIE No... I'm trying to say I'll go with you. A long pause. Nick looks into Sophie's eyes. NICK Good. That ought to start to make up for all the trouble you've put me through. Sophie smiles, gets in the car. NICK To the Embassy, driver, and step on it! DRIVER Yes, sir! The door shuts. The car pulls away into the night. The David O. Selznick Behavioral Research Institute burns to the ground. FADE OUT FINAL CREDITS Be sure to see Nick Archer's next exciting mystery, "The Andropov Papers". Coming soon to a theatre near you. Nick Archer Picture Postcards are now available for only $15.00 from E. Henry Thripshaw Enterprises. Order while quantities last! This offer is not guaranteed in the state of Wyoming due to new antitrust laws.
Copyright (c) 1986 by Dr. E. Henry Thripshaw. Film rights purchased by Gwen What's-her-name with a rubber check for $15.00. All other rights reserved.