Pulp Tolkien

From postings to rec.arts.books.tolkien by Andrew Solovay <solovay-aaaaaaat-netcom-dawt-com>, Caroline Christian <cchristi-aaaaaaat-bu-dawt-edu>, The Dark Knight <abbk-aaaaaaat-maristb-dawt-marist.edu>, Bob-Nob <rpmachem-aaaaaaat-unix-dawt-amherst.edu> and myself, dated 3 May - 17 September 1995.
Photo from
Pulp Fiction of Frodo and Sam, guns drawn

It was Andrew Solovay who first hit upon the idea of filming a Lord of the Rings movie in the same style as Quentin Tarantino's film Pulp Fiction. This set off an interesting string of posts on the subject, a few of which I have quoted here.

Posted by Andrew Solovay:

Frodo: And ya know what they call a "Quarter Pounder with Cheese" in the Undying Lands?

Sam: They don't call it "Quarter Pounder with Cheese?"

Frodo: Nah, they got Feanorian weights. They wouldn't know what the fuck a "Quarter Pound" is.

Sam: So whadda they call it?

Frodo: "Valar with Cheese".

Sam: "Valar with cheese..." Whadda they call a "Big Mac"?

Frodo: Big Mac's a Big Mac, but they call it "Big tar-Mac".

Sam: "Big tar-Mac"... whadda they call a Whopper?

Posted by Caroline Christian:

What's it got in the suitcase? The jewels? The rings? The thief, the Vincent, we hates him forever...

Posted by The Dark Knight:

Photo from Pulp
Fiction of Marsellus Wallace's wife Arwen

Frodo: Whose horse is that?

Gandalf: That's not a horse, it's a steed.

Frodo: Whose steed is that?

Gandalf: Theoden's.

Frodo: Who's Theoden?

Gandalf: Theoden's dead, baby...Theoden's dead.

Hey...this could work!!!

Posted by Bob-Nob:

Would that mean Frodo had the ring that says "Bad Mother F***er" on it? Would there be a scene in which Sam grabs a hammer, then a shotgun, then a chainsaw, and then ultimately Sting, before storming the tower to save Frodo from goodness knows what? Would Gimli take Galadriel out on the instructions of Celeborn and win the Jack Rabbit Slim's twist contest? And most importantly, who would be The Gimp?

Posted by O. Sharp:

(Restaurant table. Vincent sitting across table from Gandalf.)

Vincent: I heard you did a pilot.

Gandalf: That was my "fifteen minutes".

Vincent: What was it?

Gandalf: It was a show about a team of secret agents called WizForce Five.

Vincent: What?

Gandalf: WizForce Five. "Wiz" as in we're a bunch of wizards. "Force" as in we're a force to be reckoned with (though we're forbidden to use it). "Five" because there's one, two, three, four, five of us. There was a blond one - Saruman O'Neill - he was the leader. The Japanese wizard was a Kung Fu master; the other blue wizard was a demolition expert; Radagast's specialty was sex.

Vincent: What was your specialty?

Gandalf: Fireworks. Character I played - Mithrandir McCoy - his background was he grew up raised by circus performers. According to the show he was the deadliest guy in the world with fire. And he knew a zillion old jokes. His Vala, an old vauevillian, taught him. And if we would've got picked up we would've worked in a gimmick where every time we destroyed a Great Ring, I would've told another joke...

And, much much later, at the foot of Mount Doom, after the Ring has just gone into the Fire...

Frodo: We should be fuckin' dead, man... This was divine intervention. This shit doesn't just happen... What happened here was a miracle, and I want you to fuckin' acknowledge it!

Posted by Andrew Solovay:

Nazgul: Describe Sauron for me.

Saruman: Well, he's dark...

Nazgul: And?

Saruman: ...and he's tall...

Nazgul: Does he look like a bitch?

Saruman: What?

<thud> <scream>


Saruman: No!

Nazgul: Then why'd ya try to fuck him like a bitch?

What Was In The Briefcase?
< Previous Theory / Back to Crackpot Theories Page / Next Theory >
"I'm gonna get medieval on your ass!" - Marsellus Wallace