Adapting The Book For Hollywood

From a rec.arts.books.tolkien posting by David Salo <dsalo-aaaaaaat-usa-dawt-net>, dated 15 September 1997.
TO: Miramax Studios
FROM: Storyline Editor
RE: 'Lord of Rings' story

Ok, Jack -- I read this grossly oversized book, and I think we can handle it, but we have got to slim-n-trim this one big time to get it into our 2:07 frame. Luckily, 2/3 of this book is just dead weight. Proposed cuts:

Some general critiques:

Dividing up the plot into two lines after they come down the Big River. No good. Keep the plot straight, have them all go to Minas Tirith, then all go to Mordor.

This reverse-psychology business with the Ring -- no good. Confuses the audience. Suggest new ending: Frodo takes the ring, then fights duel with Sauron. Big fight on Mount Doom. Sauron blasts him with electric bolts from his fingertips. Frodo lies dying on the mountain. Suddenly the Chief Nazgul says 'I am your father, Frodo,' picks up Sauron and throws him down the volcano. Big eruption. Segue to final ceremony scene. Whaddaya think?

P.S. Can we get some submachine guns in this story? Maybe studded with spikes all over to give them a medieval look?

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This sounds entirely too accurate for my comfort...