The Lay of Galadriel and Gimli

From a rec.arts.books.tolkien posting by @#$%!?! <smryan-aaaaaaat-netcom-dawt-com>, dated 15 January 1996.

I like to wander around old book shops, poking in the corner and seeing what there is. In one rather strange volume, something about some Y'golonac, a tatterred and yellowed parchment slipped out. It took me a while to translate it, and even now there are gaps because of the decay, but I though you might enjoy it, even as it is. I suspect that even in the Fourth Age there was still some traffic between Middle Earth and the Blessed Realm, perhaps Olorin returning to nag King Elessar, and that is how this history from the Elvenhome came into human hands:

     ...         Galadriel
     with long labour  that lucky Gimli,
     on pleasant shores  they played their game
     in morn and noon  and misty night
     with Legolas so gay  in their games so private.
     Their wild sport  in willow meads
     brought joy to Valar  so jaded and vain,
     and Elvenwives  eating bonbons
     while peering deep  in Palantirs
     for morning talk  and moralising shows.
     Yet Frodo ignored  the frolicks and fun
     sitting friendless  on sighing beaches:
     nobody likes  a boring downer.
                 Where claw the mountains
     Celeborn,  that cuckold fool,
     was an aching burden  to Elros and Elrohir
     and garlanded Arwen,  his grandchildren,
     who forsook the West,  that sunny strand
     of endless bliss  and emerald woods
     upon the breast  of pearly beaches;
     who forsook the West  in sincerely hoping
     of hiding free  behind the Dark
     from Celeborn  that cowerring boob.
                 The Doublemint twins,
     the dynamic duo,  the daring bipeds,
     Elros and Elrohir  ...
     ...         In a pale ship
     of palm and beech  in bitching purple,
     did Celeborn  cross the Sea
     to greet again  his gracious wife
     Galadriel  who gave so freely
     to weary walkers  worn and tired.
     And giving freely  to Gimli the Dwarf,
     she bounced their bed  while berthed below
     her husband's boat.  "Honey, I'm home,"
     he called at once,  Celeborn,
     while walking through  the willowed grounds.
     So deep their passions  (and so darned loud),
     they never heard  his nervous tread
     on tiled courts  until he came
     to the chamber's door.  How chaste she looked
     as Celeborn  kissed his babe.
     Her loneliness  had left her ill
     and thus explained  her thunderred pulse
     and disarray  of dress and bed.
     He kissed again  and cuddled long,
     blind, benighted,  and blithe to lies.
     In dread and shiverring  and dressed in naught
     but garterred hose  Gimli stood
     upon the parapet  where perched he found
     Bilbo and Sam,  a bunny of Easter,
     a Maia or two,  ...
     ...         Galadriel
     with labour long  released her burden;
     her aching womb  was eased of weight.
     Galadriel  the golden braided
     has given life  to a lissome girl
     so fair of face  with furry feet...

< Previous Theory / Back to Crackpot Theories Page / Next Theory >
"The union of love is indeed to [the Eldar] great delight and joy, and the 'days of the children', as they call them,
remain in their memory as the most merry in life..." - JRRT, Morgoth's Ring, p. 213

"You're tellin' me this ugly little kid is my aunt?" - Arwen