The Lord of the... whatever, Book V, Chapter 6:
The Battle Of The Cowboy's Field
As the alarm sounded the Lord of the Nazdaq looked at his watch,
proferred an inappropriate expletive for a kid's amusement park and ran
out the gate again, muttering something about being late for his lecture
on the arts in war. Seeing this, Gandalf went back to "cheering" the
defenders with his peddler's trick. His real purpose was of course to
steal their purses while their concentration was elsewhere. Since he
absolutely hates to pick money off a dead corpse, he always tries to
do it before they die.
Going back in time a bit, let's look at what really happened before
HeyHoDen sounded his horns. As HeyHoDen was galloping towards Minas
Tirith the injuni leading him saw the cowboys ahead and left in
disgust, leaving the Rohirrim suddenly in the front of the battle.
Meanwhile his army of seven acrobatic dwarves insisted on making a
small detour by their house which was close by. When they got there,
they went in and left a message that read as follows: Snow White, we
have gone to help HeyHoDen defend Minas Tirith, as soon as you come
back home with your Prince Charming, could you send him along with his
army to give us a hand, thank you. After this small interlude they
continued their dash towards the battle field, to find it all aflame,
and they figured that no one had heard their horns since none stopped
to great them. At this, HeyHoDen felt that his special greeting for
Aragon was definitly deserved. His whole plan rested on Gondor
believing him to be an ally and thus letting him through the ticket
booth. Once inside, he could safely prepare a greeting for Aragon that
he would remember for the rest of his days - since his days would
scarcely exceed his entrance into Minas Tirith.
As he was riding hard for the gate, HeyHoDen came by all nine Nazdaq.
They were intently listening to one who appeared to be their leader by
his girth. He was rambling on about something, and the words art and war
kept coming up pretty often. While he talked he kept on pointing at
different parts of the battlefield and the fortifications. When
HeyHoden was level with them he clearly heard him say "break time" and
next thing he knew they were all signing and clapping rhythmically while
one of their number danced jerkily; which brought them all, including
HeyHoden, into fits of laughter, and a weird state of physical
attraction for them. Sadly for him, HeyHoden learnt that one should not
laugh hysterically or look to the side for too long while riding as he
toppled and his mount fell on him. His wounds were so extensive that
he had but a few moments of life left.
Close behind him Dirthead tried to reach him while he was still alive,
but the chief Nazdaq was in her way. When he saw her he yelled, "You
may not pass; we are on a class field trip and have priority, you have to
let us pass!" This led to a long-winded bickering match on who would
pass first. The hissy fight was settled in the following fashion:
"No man as small as you may force me to go against the rules of courtesy!"
Dirthead removed his helmet and answered, "But I am no man, I am
Eowynifred!" and she nimbly dodged around the huge girth of the Nazdaq to
attack him with her secret weapon. When she reached his back she grabbed
onto his underwear, yanked them up and shouted "WEDGIIIIIIIE!". At the
same time Otto, who had fallen off the Harley, was picking up a sword to
ineffectively defend himself; but the great girth of the Nazdaq had caused
the wedgie to have terrible effect and he stumbled forwards and onto the
blade which Otto was holding up. It stabbed him straight through the heart
and he died instantly. Try as he might afterwards, Otto could never find
his blade again amidst all the folds of the Nazdaq's stomach. Seeing their
teacher fall in such a way, the rest of the Nazdaq fled in despair.
Arguing over who had killed the the Nazdaq (they both had good arguments,
one being the bearer of the weapon and the other having gotten the Nazdaq to
fall), Otto and Eowynifred decided to settle the matter with a fist fight.
To their future despair they each managed to knock the other unconscious, and
to this day this feud hasn't been settled.
As all of this happened Eonard realized he had been left alone on the battle-
field, and tried to find his "army". He did find them, but HeyHoDen was
almost dead and the other two were already unconscious. He went to his
father who made him swear to kill Aragon at the first occasion he could
find when he could make it pass as an accident. Eonard swore and asked his
dying father whether he could do anything to ease his last moments, at which
"The only thing which would make me happy is if you found a way to make my
death fake, or resurrect me (which is quite plausible in this story) so that I
may retired at an old folks' complex, much like the one we passed on our way
With that HeyHoDen King of Edoras died. As he saw the seven dwarves weep for
the late king, Eonard told then not to weep; for now Rohan had a strong king,
and he would not have let those pigs desert them, he would have chained them and
dragged them behind Harleys to get them to respect his might. "But no more
fretting," he said, "let us join this fray once more to find Aragon!" So he
left, too happy to be King to care for his safety, and did not see Otto wake up.
Otto awoke painfully. He groggily brought Eowynifred to the city ticket booth,
paid the exhorbitant entrance fee, and dragged her to the infirmary; he really
wanted to know how to ride like her. If he was going to take over Morrie's
drug cartel, he had to have an awe-inspiring skill like that one.
As the men of Gondor, who by then were totally demoralized by
Gandalf's lame tricks, saw Eonard fight, they were inspired to perform
deeds of glory. They aranged a sortie with the cowboys of the Pelennor,
and started circling the students of Mordor. To their dismay they
found out that the graduates and men with black feet and white hands had
been kept as reserves by the late rector of Mordor university. His vice
rector, seeing the turn of events, decided to send them in, so that they
in turn started circling the cowboys, but they were obviously going in
the opposite direction as the cowboys were. From far off on the Anduin
Aragon's party was rowing up the the river on a barge, their number was
the same as when they entered the Paths of the Living plus one goofy
looking character. However, the current being as it was and they having
only two paddles, they had a hard time getting there. But Aragon was
rejoicing; he had read all of Goscinny's books, and he knew how to win
the fight considering the twist it had taken. He only hoped that Jolly
Jumper would be up to the task.
Babar! Aragon again sneered at HeyHoDen's insolence. Babar! To give
Aragon a steed that bore a kingly name! It was as if HeyHoDen was saying
that Aragon was less-kingly material than his bearer. So it was that at
the first available opportunity Aragon had halted his group, stood before
the mumak, announced, "I hereby rechristen thee Jolly Jumper", and
broke a bottle of Dom Peregrin across its head. Aragon smiled at the memory.
The subsequent memory of the angry mumak picking him bodily up and throwing
him into a tree, and the subsequent pain in his side, he tried with difficulty
The battle for Gondor went on and on and on. After approximatly 1 hour
of rowing, or circling depending on who you listen to, the fight was ended,
the cowboys mysteriously turned out victorious, the Mordor students were
fleeing, many of them planned on complaining to the Student Society of Mordor
University (SSMU) for the low quality of their frosh week, and Aragon's
barge reached the shore. Seeing a group of five students who seemingly
wanted to steal their raft, Aragon directed his meager force into a
defensive position, and coordinated the defense from a safe distance
behind his men. As the last orc died, he rushed towards it and made
sure to be splattered with blood; that way he could pretend to have been
in the heat of the battle. At the same time as the barge reached shore
Eonard directed his steed at full speed towards the barge, hoping to
reach it on time to pretend a fumble at the same time as he killed
Aragon. Sadly, he reached the shore 30 seconds after the last orc died
and his plan fell to shambles. His only option was to pretend to be
happy to see Aragon again. And Aragon was only to happy to explain to
all how he had played a crucial part in the fight, and he had a briuse
(which he got the last time Jolly Jumper toppled under his weight), and
blood all over him (which he poured himself).
This chapter of this epic work is presented through the courtesy of
Carl Blondin <carl-dawt-blondin-aaaaaaat-mail-dawt-mcgill.ca>.
Copyright © 2001 by the author. All rights reserved. Some variance between this
e-text and the original printed material by Professor Tolkien is inevitable. Using this
as an electronic resource for scholarly or research purposes may lead to a certain
degree of academic embarassment. All agree that the printed version of the text,
available from respectable publishers such as Houghton Mifflin and Ballantine Books,
is to be preferred.
Minas Tirith and Gondor are trademarks of Saul Zaentz and Tolkien Enterprises, who hold all merchandising rights to Gondor and its subsidiaries.
This chapter has been translated from the original Esperanto version.