I've always suspected the people at Jay Ward studios were a little kinky - particularly when elements like the King who loved spankings, and the Wolf with the obviously-pornographic "good books", began making furtive appearances in Fractured Fairy Tales. If you're going to be kinky, though, there's just no substitute for bondage... and hence the silly, bondage-oriented episode of Dudley Do-Right which follows.
(The cartoon described here is copyright © 1987 by Jay Ward Productions, and also © 1990 by Filmtel International, at least if I'm reading the fine print at the bottom of the TV screen correctly. For those who are wondering, no, this is not an actual shooting script, though it does follow the actual cartoon accurately.)
Fade up on the Canadian wilderness. Dudley rides in on his horse.
Narrator: Into the northern region of Canada, at the close of the nineteenth century, rode Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties, lonely defender of justice and fair play: handsome, brave, daring... and hopelessly lost.
Dudley: These service-station maps are impossible! Can't even fold up the thing... I think I should have turned left at that last tree.
Camera pans to Snidely Whiplash, who is tying a blonde to some convenient railroad tracks. He seems to be having some trouble with the final knot.
Narrator: Meanwhile a short distance away, Snidely Whiplash was up to his favorite pastime: tying women to railroad tracks. He soon had unexpected company!
Snidely (spotting Dudley): A Mountie!
Dudley (taking no notice of the situation): Correct! Pardon me, sir, but do you happen to know the way to the Royal Canadian Mountie camp?
Snidely (politely): Why, yes, I do. ...Oh, this pesky knot! Could you give me a hand, or rather, finger, heh heh?
Dudley: Always willing to help a citizen in need. (offering an index finger) There!
Snidely immediately ties Dudley's finger into the knot.
Snidely: Hah-hah-hah-haa! Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties! Get out of thaat if you can!
Snidely exits. The blonde glares at Dudley as he realizes he's been tricked.
Dudley: Oh, fudge.
Cut to Nell Fenwick skipping through the forest with a basket. She soon runs into Dudley.
Narrator: Meanwhile Nell Fenwick the beautiful daughter of Inspector Fenwick, was out gathering chestnuts. Suddenly she stumbled onto the biggest nut of all, Dudley Do-Right.
Nell: What, Dudley Do-Right, are you doing with that other woman? I thought you always did right!
Dudley: I was doing right, Nell. That's how I got in this predic-a-ment. But could I tell you about it later? I think there is a train approaching...
The scene is obscured by a whistle and huge train wheels...
Fade to the RCMP camp, then to Inspectior Fenwick's office. Dudley's index finger is conspicuously bandaged.
Inspector: And so, Do-Right, there's a fiend running loose in northern Canada.
Dudley: A fiend, Inspector?
Inspector: A fiend who goes about Canada tying defenseless women to railroad tracks!
Dudley (looking slightly guilty): Oh.
Inspector: I know it must be hard for you to believe, you with your eyes of blue and heart so true, but - what happened to your finger, Do-Right?
Dudley (quickly putting finger behind back): Never mind about my finger, sir! This is far more important than mere flesh-wounds! A rope-tying fiend is at large and should be brought in at once!
Back to Canadian wilderness. Dudley rides his horse with determination.
Narrator: And so the remorseless man-tracker started on his way. He didn't have far to track!
Sure enough, Dudley immediately runs into Snidely Whiplash, who is now tying a brunette to the tracks.
Dudley: Here, here! You oughtn't to do a thing like that: going
around tying defenseless people to railroad tracks.
(taking off his hat)
It's not the Canadian Way!
Snidely (suddenly falling to his knees, pleading for mercy): You think I've not tried to stop - to stop tying? I'm hooked! It's a habit with me now! Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! I swear to you: after I tie up this one defenseless woman, I'm going to swear off, so help me! ...Could you just put your finger in this knot?
Dudley (tenderly): Well... if you think it will help you kick the habit...
Snidfely (disguising a malevolent grin): Oh, it will! It will!
Dudley (offering his finger): There!
Snidely: Ahh-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaa! Yeah.
Snidely immediately ties Dudley's finger into the knot and flees. The brunette glares at the Mountie.
Dudley: Curses! Foiled again.
Snidely (leaning back into shot): Hey! That's my line...
Montage of Dudley chasing Snidely down the railroad tracks. Suddenly Dudley finds a redhead bound to the tracks.
Dudley: Uh-oh! Another woman. He didn't swear off!
He unties the woman and dashes forward to find the bound figure of:
Dudley: A man! Confound that Whiplash!
He unties him, only to find a few feet later:
Dudley: Inspector Fenwick!
And then his horse, who looks up from the tracks and smiles cheerfully.
Dudley: Snidely Whiplash!
He frees Snidely in turn, continues down the tracks, then stops and realizes:
Dudley: "Snidely Whiplash"? Now, I wonder...
And as he stands on the tracks contemplating this, he is again obscured by a train whistle and massive engine-wheels...
Fade back to the RCMP outpost, where the Inspector meets with Dudley and Nell.
Narrator: But Inspector Fenwick did not get his nickname of The Canadian Fox for nothing!
Inspector: Now all of you have heard the old proverb, "If you give a Snidely enough rope, he'll put his foot in it."
Dudley: Why, no, Inspector, I don't believe I've heard that proverb-
Inspector: Don't interrupt, Do-Right! We're going to use deception. We're going to disguise you as Nell!
The Inspector proceeds to disguise Dudley as a perfect copy of Nell.
Dudley: Me, sir?
Inspector: With those baby-blue eyes, you are a natural.
Dissolve back to the wilderness. Snidely spots the Nell-disguised Dudley hiding behind a tree, looks about, and begins putting on costume pieces.
Narrator: What the Inspector did not know was that Snidely, realizing that the heat was on, disguised himself as Nell!
Snidely, dressed perfectly as Nell, approaches Dudley.
Snidely (in crummy falsetto voice): Dudley, where are you?
Dudley: Nell! You heard your father's plan. Go on back to camp!
You'll give the whole thing away!
(Snidely encircles Dudley with a rope)
Nell! Nell, what are you doing?
(He ties Dudley to the railroad tracks)
Nell, this is no time for high-jinks!
Snidely: Ha ha ha hoop!
A lasso encircles him, and he in turn is bound to the tracks by Nell!
Nell: There, Snidely Whiplash! Caught at last... oops!
She, in turn, is lassooed and dragged to one side by... Inspector Fenwick!
Inspector: So, Snidely Whiplash! You thought you'd catch the Mounties' counter-counter intelligence napping-napping, eh?
Nell: But Father, I'm not Snidely Whiplash-
Inspector: And don't think you're fooling me with that crummy falsetto voice! You must think we're pretty stupid at Headquarters...
We hear the sound of a train's brakes being applied loudly. An Engineer walks up to the Inspector, carrying the Nell-disguised Dudley in one hand and the Nell-disguised Snidely in the other.
Engineer (Brooklyn accent): Hey, buddy, don't leave stuff lying around on the tracks, huh?
Inspector Fenwick stares at the three identical Nells, then continues:
Inspector: Trying to confuse me, eh, Whiplash? Well, it won't work! As if I wouldn't know my own daughter and my favorite constable. Inspector Fenwick always gets his man!
And he drags Nell away. Dudley removes his false Nell-head.
Dudley: Well, Nell, I guess all's well that ends well, eh?
Snidely (removing his own Nell-head): My sentiments precisely, Dudley.
Dudley stares at Snidely. Music reaches triumphant ending. Fade out.
Thanks to the miracle of YouTube, that haven of online video, you can now actually watch this cartoon online (assuming you have a reasonably up-to-date browser, and a reasonably good connection, and that YouTube hasn't crashed and burned or lost funding or decided this material is too racy or anything like that).
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